Feb. 13, 2024

77: Standards: Setting high expectations without the pressure.

77: Standards: Setting high expectations without the pressure.
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77: Standards: Setting high expectations without the pressure.

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One of the trickiest questions for parents is how to set expectations that help our kids thrive and grow without crushing them or making them feel low self-esteem or shame.  

If we don't set expectations we run the risk of making our kids feel like nothing they do really matters, so they can feel overlooked and apathetic about life, but we've all heard about parents who damage their kids through unreasonable demands. Our expectations are born out of our own ideas of what matters, so how do we know that we're not pushing toxic ideas on to our kids?

In this episode we talk about how today's society has come expect very little of our teens, whilst seemingly piling on pressure and expecting too much. We talk about how critical the growth mind set is, the stages we go through in learning a skill, and how we parents can support out teens to grow a wide range of important skills without damaging their self-esteem in the process. 

PREVIOUS EPISODES THAT ARE RELEVANT:
 
Episodes 5, 10, 38 & 40

  • https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-10-helping-your-teen-navigate-friendship-groups-particularly-girls-and-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-giving-up-at-the-first-hurdle/
  • https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-5-how-do-you-motivate-a-teenager-who-isnt-very-academic-what-to-do-when-your-teenager-says-they-want-to-give-up-their-musical-instrument-or-other-activity/
  • https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/40-exam-revision-parenting-through-the-pressure/
  • https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/38-talking-to-teachers-about-your-teen-how-best-to-do-it-and-why-it-still-matters/

THE SKILL MATRIX:

  • Unconscious incompetence.
  • Conscious incompetence.
  • Conscious competence.
  • Unconscious competence.

QUESTIONS THAT WILL EMPOWER YOUR TEENAGER:

  •  Are the expectations placed upon me realistic? 
  • Do they align with my values? 
  • Is meeting those expectations within my control? 
  • What and how do I communicate if the expectations are unreasonable or make me resentful?

https://www.sec-ed.co.uk/content/best-practice/nqt-special-what-do-high-expectations-actually-look-like/

  • To check out the experiences JENZA offers, visit: www.jenza.com
  • The JENZA Travel Group consists of heritage and dedicated Summer Camp USA brand BUNAC, Irish youth work and travel brand, USIT, and youth-led work and travel brand JENZA. That's over 60 years of experience.
  • Founded in 2023, JENZA arranges flexible working holidays and international internships in Canada, Japan, Australia, New Zealand, the USA and UK.

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Chapters

03:27 - Nuggets: Supporting a teen doing exams

05:17 - Nugget: The importance of giving clear feedback

07:11 - Review

08:01 - The books that inspired this discussion.

11:30 - The Pygmalion Effect

14:09 - Setting expectations

14:39 - The journey is more important than the goal

17:09 - How expectations affect achievement

18:19 - Corrosive expectations

20:24 - Setting boundaries on expectations

22:25 - Managing our own emotions when setting expectations

24:09 - The skill matrix

25:50 - How to support with high expectations

34:35 - Allowing our teens to do things that are hard so they have the chance to grow

37:47 - Summary