Transcript
WEBVTT
00:00:03.000 --> 00:00:14.310
Hello, I'm Rachel Richards and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hog where we use research by experts and our own experience to discuss everything and anything to do with parenting teenagers.
00:00:15.289 --> 00:00:22.850
Hello, I'm Susie Asli, mindfulness coach, psychotherapist, and musician and mother of three teenagers, two of them are twin.
00:00:23.670 --> 00:00:45.570
As a parenting coach, I've seen the transformative power of listening to how other parents work. We can feel supported, get fresh ideas, and even if we disagree, it helps us to think more clearly about the way we parent and why. So welcome. Pull up a chair. And let's begin. Now in this episode, we're going to talk about the SU of teens making friends. But first, let's start with our nuggets.
00:00:45.600 --> 00:01:02.909
Yay. Love these go on. Should I go first? Yes. So we've talked in the past about parenting teenagers, the idea that it is part time job as opposed to to full time when they're little and full time availability. So you never know when they're going to need you.
00:01:00.179 --> 00:01:32.609
But when they do need you, there's often a Mom, where are you. And I experienced that last week and half term where my kids are at their dad's in Denmark where he lives. And I had a very late night text from my daughter who was worried and stressed about something. Fortunately, I was still awake because it was quite late. And she was worrying about some school stuff and different things. And she couldn't sleep and she was having a bit of a panic and reaching out, which was lovely.
00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:52.319
And I was able to text her back and I sent her a couple of voice memos. So she could hear my voice and explained a few things gave her some ideas as to how she could manage it. We went backwards and forwards a little bit. And her final text was. Ah, thanks, Mom. That was really helpful. I can sleep now. Yeah.
00:01:47.909 --> 00:01:52.319
Which was really heartwarming.
00:01:53.969 --> 00:02:07.500
reminded her of her breathing techniques. And then I could touch in with her the next couple of days. She was there for a couple more days and how you doing? How's it going? And we, you know, we went back and forth a bit more. But it was that? Yes.
00:02:07.620 --> 00:02:28.680
And then obviously, to a whole on their own without the support they need. That's brilliant. I love that. Yeah. I mean, for me, it's similar sort of thing where I had a teenager who really wanted to do some public speaking. So it's not just that she was put in the position, she was keen to be in a public speaking role.
00:02:25.379 --> 00:02:35.729
But whenever she tried it the first time she tried it, she totally choked. And when I what I mean by choked is her throat closed. So she couldn't speak.
00:02:35.819 --> 00:03:08.669
She had hot sweats all over and she was shaking. It was that level of physical response. And she asked me like, What am I supposed to do? What Yeah. And so, you know, we talked about it extensively, and I came up with tips about how you calm the amygdala and how you that you know, the yogic breathing and all the sorts of things you can do. And you can visualize being successful. There are lots and lots of techniques that are known to be successful. But still, this persisted. So then I said, Okay, well, should we look at it from a different angle.
00:03:08.699 --> 00:03:38.819
And perhaps if you tried public speaking, in a situation where it was low stress, so I found a course where she could go for a week. And she didn't know anybody. And it was a beginners course. So literally, right from the start, they'll teach you the techniques. And she said, Well, that sounds great. And you know, not everyone can afford these things. I completely understand that. But there were always things maybe online or whatever.
00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:48.030
But I put her on this, and it was transformative. And what we realized at the end of this was, it's not that she can't do it.
00:03:48.060 --> 00:04:18.389
And it's not that there's anything wrong with her is that she didn't have the skills. So it's this when your child is a teenager suffering anxiety, this kind of physical response. And we've always said, it's a signal, what's going wrong, what's happening here and keep digging down. So not just trying to get rid of that feeling. What was causing the feeling was the lack of skills. Yeah, really interesting, because now they're gone. Yeah. It's amazing Imperator. It empowered her so that that was a really transformative thing for us.
00:04:19.800 --> 00:04:42.029
Now, back to our theme for the this episode, we have touched on it in the past when we've talked about friendship groups, but this is a sort of different thing, because it's about how you make new friends and how you keep friends. We've got two curious things that have been happening and one of them is the on the upsurge and some online.
00:04:38.069 --> 00:04:59.399
So we're not touching, snap sniffing smelling people, we're not you know, you're not reading face to face things as much. You know, we're still doing that, but nowhere near as much as we used to. And the other thing that's happening is COVID has taken the teens we've got now and for a big chunk of them.
00:04:55.379 --> 00:05:11.850
They've had one two years when they've been told don't socialize, do not when you're in a classroom do not look left or right. Keep your mask on. Yeah, right around in these Yes, walk in this pathway do not go out.
00:05:11.879 --> 00:05:20.850
So that fluidity about friendships has gone. And we've all gone over, we'll just go back to normal. But for them, that was their new normal.
00:05:21.119 --> 00:05:29.819
Yeah. And they didn't learn the skills in that, that couple of years that are really crucial for, especially for young teenagers, how to learn to make friends.
00:05:29.850 --> 00:05:36.449
And interestingly, I got a daughter who's really, really academic.
00:05:31.889 --> 00:05:48.660
And she because of COVID, she got used to getting into a classroom, having her mask on, and studying. And she was really focused on every single lesson, she finds them fascinating and riveting, but she hasn't been talking to the kids either side,
00:05:50.370 --> 00:05:51.149
have that problem.
00:05:52.319 --> 00:05:54.930
Then my other child is rich. He said, That's my main social time.
00:05:58.139 --> 00:05:58.889
Throwing thing.
00:06:00.509 --> 00:06:07.379
And there was a chap called Scott Galloway, who was talking on Diary of a CEO.
00:06:03.269 --> 00:06:20.250
And theme was one reason this generation is struggling. And one of the things he said was the number of kids who see their friends every day has been cut in half over the last 10 years.
00:06:13.230 --> 00:06:34.949
And also, I was talking to my older daughter, when she finished Catcher in the Rye, which was, you know, quite a big book, when it came out. It was banned in some schools because they thought it was a bad influence. And she put it down.
00:06:29.310 --> 00:06:45.899
And her response was basically Well, the writings pretty sloppy, so she wasn't that impressed with it. But she was really struck by this as an sort of socially alienated teenager.
00:06:41.519 --> 00:07:02.550
But she said he's spending so much time with people. Yes, really interesting. And I thought, Gosh, that that in itself makes me realize that our teenagers have not I mean, some teenagers are not experiencing this. Obviously there are lots of darest teenagers are spending lots of time with their friends.
00:06:59.430 --> 00:07:02.550
Yeah, so it's not all teenagers.
00:07:02.850 --> 00:07:19.800
But there are a huge number of teenagers who somehow the support, things have dropped away, you know, the youth clubs have closed down the, you know, some of the other things that were being done to keep them together to do things together, where they could meet new teens, other people outside their classroom, yes, because
00:07:19.800 --> 00:08:11.459
we and they don't, you know, they didn't hang out on the streets so much, because we don't want that we. I mean, they do have the online sphere, which isn't the same. But I also think that and I've been told off a little bit by my teens, of, you know, belittling that space, because for them, it's actually a really lovely space where they do meet people, and they feel that they are real, proper friends. And because I'm a boomer, I don't really get that. So they've tried to explain to me, you know, especially my eldest, you know, these are the, the I know, this person is proper friend, and then you know, they can choose to meet up face to face, sometimes he doesn't, but I also know others that do. So it's, you know, being careful that there's not the same as being face to face, but we shouldn't also belittle it, it's actually really important to some of
00:08:11.459 --> 00:08:30.240
them. But if everybody you know, who is like you is somewhere else, then that's hard. Because we need emotional connection, we need physical interaction. And when you're in a room with somebody, and you're bouncing ideas off them, their face looks different. Yeah, I think there's different Yes.
00:08:30.569 --> 00:08:44.759
I mean, kids can get to know people from you know, the other side of the world by using the online stuff, which is amazing people they would never normally meet. So that's incredible. But I think you're absolutely right, if the we need the interpersonal skills are crucial. We are social beings.
00:08:44.759 --> 00:08:45.480
Yes.
00:08:45.809 --> 00:08:51.929
It's all very well, if we're great parents, and we're very connected with our kids, but it's not the same.
00:08:52.500 --> 00:09:41.580
And there's a guy called Joseph Allen at the University of Virginia, who conducted a study of nearly 200 participants who and they start he started when they were 13 years old. And they were asked to rate the quality of their social relationships and romantic relationships, depressive symptoms, work performance, and he said, the results are unambiguous that the teens who had quality friendships when they were younger, had a better outcome later on. Now that I read that and it made me feel a bit panicky but I don't think it's necessarily in one leads to the next but I think what he's trying to underline is that this these there's so much more to a person being happy and successful. Yeah, then there is their their academic grades, or being good at sport. You know, you've got this others all this soft skills, stuff
00:09:41.580 --> 00:10:06.509
that's important is crucial. Like if the teenagers are happy in their friendships, then they're happy. Like, obviously, if something awful is going on at home, then they're not but but it's so important and even even from an academic perspective, if you're, if the kid is happy, they will learn if a child Old is unhappy doesn't have friends at school is not thriving. They're not going to be focusing on their work.
00:10:06.929 --> 00:10:39.960
No. And that's a brilliant point because one of the case studies a woman called Isabella said that when she was a teenager, she really struggled with her friendships and she became withdrawn, irritable, reclusive, she missed large chunks of class. Yeah. And it impacted on her family because she ended up with excessive mood swings and panic attacks. And there was so much guilt and shame for her that she didn't want to talk to her parents about what was underlying all of this. So her parents were seeing this moody, difficult teenager who was skipping school, were actually what was happening was she was struggling with her friendships.
00:10:40.379 --> 00:10:56.580
And we only have so much capacity in our brain it's not limitless. So if it's full up with friendship issues, which it will be when stuffs going on, then there's not a lot of space for anything else. You know, it doesn't it makes sense, then you need to be happy in friendships for teenagers are crucial.
00:10:56.580 --> 00:11:13.200
They're crucial. And they're different, aren't they? So some teens need loads of friends and some need just one some, you know, they we need to teach our children to find out what what kind of friendships suit them and how much how little it's, it's not a one, one size fits all at all.
00:11:13.320 --> 00:11:38.429
I love that point. Because that's absolutely spot on about what I've read is that we need to not project onto our teens, because some of us will be extroverts and panicking about our introverted child and vice versa. And it's about finding out where they sit and how they feel about their friendships. So what do we do we can start a conversation and talk to them generally about school hobbies, friends, try and get them to open up.
00:11:38.460 --> 00:11:56.700
Yeah, I like when I if I've been in doubt with mine, I've kind of gone oh, oh, when is nonchalantly as possible? Oh, who did you hang out with at lunch today? Or who did lunch today? Or who's sitting next to an English or are they nice? And what did you do at break today?
00:11:53.429 --> 00:12:07.409
So you just kind of get a little gauge as to whether they were on their own or whether they were hanging out and whether they're hanging out with the same people? And often, you know, if they're fine, then they'll tell you. And whether it matters to them. Yeah, I found that it's been quite a
00:12:07.409 --> 00:12:28.350
good day. I like that's a really good technique, yes, and being able to sort of validate their feelings. So if they see, if they tell you something, rather than feeling really uncomfortable about it, we have to say, well, I can see how that might feel and relate to it by maybe putting in a story of yourself or how you had that problem. But that's just how you dealt with it OR,
00:12:28.500 --> 00:13:21.179
and NOT problematizing it I mean, when I when I have clients who are teenagers, I nearly always spend quite a lot of time, especially in the first session, just trying to normalize, you know, some of the things they're experiencing are not comfortable or not very nice. And yes, we'll look at them and tips, tools and manage them differently. But feelings like that are nearly always a normal response to an uncomfortable situation or a stressful situation. Nobody likes at the age of 14 going into a classroom and not knowing anybody or, or not feeling like they have any friends. So a stress response to that or an anxious response to that is normal human response. There's nothing wrong with them. They're not broken, they're not weird, or ill. And you just see their shoulders once they've heard it a couple of times go. Ah, oh, that was nice information. And then stage two, you know, what can we do to help?
00:13:21.450 --> 00:13:37.409
Yes, yes. So where did those skills come from? You know, for me, I was in a family that didn't really have any social interaction with most other people. It was really hard. Yeah, how does this work?
00:13:32.759 --> 00:14:20.669
How do people be happy to get invited to parties, I actually did end up being invited quite a few parties. But that's possibly to do with how I learned to, you know, relate to people. Just be open, have your taxi light on so taxi, light, bright yellow, sunshine, smile, but not a desperate open just, I say to my girls, just smile, smile at people and say Hi, Hi, how's it going? And you don't have to do anything more than that. Because all you're doing is your face is open. You're inviting people into? And that you can say how's it going? If they don't answer you doesn't matter. If they do, then maybe they were ready to have some kind of exchange, but don't place everything on black.
00:14:15.899 --> 00:14:45.929
So those whenever you have an interaction with anybody, just keep it light. You know, if they're open to you that day, don't go Oh, my God, a bad friend. What you're trying to do is not find any friends. You're trying to find your tribe. So you've got to sort of open up to as many as I take say to market it's a number game. So you won't necessarily find your tribe in the in the classroom of 30 people that you're in.
00:14:45.958 --> 00:14:55.769
Yeah, I think that's great advice is to keep it light. I'd wish I'd known that at that age. And just exploring and being curious about different people is really great advice. It's not all or nothing.
00:14:55.919 --> 00:15:18.210
Yes, and that's the same thing with everything in the teenage years. Be prepared to do explore and experiment and close whatever it is your teenager you're supposed to do this. It's okay. Family friendship. Yeah, yes. And teach them how to have a good conversation. And this is again, these are social skills. They're called social skills. They're not something you're born with.
00:15:13.980 --> 00:15:19.740
Right? So some are some, but some people just seem to be naturally they
00:15:19.740 --> 00:15:21.360
probably have had parents.
00:15:22.590 --> 00:15:36.600
Yes. So encourage, you know, whenever you've got those times, when you're at the dinner table, encourage them to chat about easy topics like music films, you know, I've had my kids say to me, so what do we talk? What do I talk about? I don't know.
00:15:34.259 --> 00:15:43.470
And I said, Well, what about music? To say, Oh, I've run out of good music to listen to what's on your, what are you listening to? Great, easy, easy.
00:15:43.889 --> 00:16:03.389
Just find little things to connect. And then when you're in the community, you're in a shop to say, make small talk with that person. You know, that's the shop. With b2c, actually, there are lots of lots of opportunities where you can say try and make money, your job, your your your fun. Here's a fun challenge. Try and make small talk with that person, anything and get them to respond to you.
00:16:01.830 --> 00:16:03.389
Yeah.
00:16:03.720 --> 00:16:14.009
And we're often in danger I think of because that's, that is anxiety inducing, isn't it, especially for some people, and we shouldn't ever force kids to be doing it. If it's like, really uncomfortable. Of course not.
00:16:14.220 --> 00:17:33.599
That would be really weird. But we can nudge them, we can nudge them into that. And the idea of you know, taking away anything that feels anxious or anxiety inducing that, we remove it for them, because that's, that's not a good thing, or we do it for them every time. That's not, that's not really helping them in the long run. I love that nudging them to try. I remember, once my eldest and he went by me saying this, I'm sure. He thought he was really socially awkward for ages. And he he wasn't he was a bit shy. It was really normal. And now he's not at all really he's quite good in social situations. But he we had his we had his girlfriend's parents round, who were lovely, and they've known each other for years, that's fine. But he was trying to offer one of them a cup of tea at the end of we were eating and, and he couldn't kind of break into the conversation to to offer her this T. And he kind of he looks up with me, I was in the kitchen getting something. I don't know how to do this help. Because he thought, well, that'd be really rude. But I can't get in what I do. So I was like, Okay, well watch. out, I know, I did what I do, which was hover a little bit and then sort of jump in when there's a breath or and then really sort of organic way.
00:17:30.990 --> 00:17:42.029
Because I've done it a million times. I also couldn't do it aged 17. And he just kind of went, Oh, okay. Okay, I've got that.
00:17:43.440 --> 00:17:54.660
I really love that. So you're making it possible for them to say, because they're not going to know what skills they need to know until they're confronted with them. And you're making it possible for them to turn to you and say, I didn't know what how do you do? How do we do this?
00:17:54.660 --> 00:18:03.569
And just not making it like, Oh, for God's sake? Just just Oh, god. Okay, well, let's, let's I'll show you watch me how I do it. Brilliant. I like that funny.
00:18:03.569 --> 00:18:21.660
And then afterwards, I could say to him, do you know what are your age, I was hoping to be hopeless. I was really shy, I would have just gone no, you give them to. Also, knowing that I was really hopeless, and now I'm not is also quite a nice thing for them to
00:18:21.660 --> 00:18:24.750
know. And things like making reservations.
00:18:24.900 --> 00:18:54.990
So I was very scared of picking up the phone when I was a teenager. And I remember seeing a job advertised and desperately wanting to be a waitress there and being terrified about calling them and I put the phone down several times after I picked it up to try and call them. And I've written down what I was going to say. And now it wouldn't cross my mind to be uncomfortable. So I get my kids if we're going to do anything, I get them to call and make the reservation for yes. Because why not? Because then I can sit with them. And you know, they stumble, I can help. Agree.
00:18:51.569 --> 00:18:56.400
Yeah, just just this stuff, because they've got to do it at some point.
00:18:57.089 --> 00:19:14.609
I think it's also important to have the balance between sometimes I see younger families, maybe, you know, they're sitting at dinner in a restaurant, and they're sort of making their kids order when the kid is off obviously really uncomfortable. It's really not.
00:19:10.500 --> 00:19:14.609
It's kind of feels very forced.
00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:21.119
And I don't like that. So I think the learning has to be organic and a good time and in a good way.
00:19:21.150 --> 00:19:35.279
Yeah, wait till they're ready when you notice something, but you don't want just sit back and say, Oh, they're gonna Yeah, at some point, they'll learn it. Because if they're excruciating ly shy now, then use you to help model things and not to them and be interested in other people.
00:19:35.309 --> 00:20:18.660
Yeah, I keeps. I've said this to my kids over and over and slowly they've completely got it. And it's that the most interesting person to most people is themselves. So it's because I used to worry about what should I talk about? Yeah. And you can do that on Apple. People are mostly interested in you asking, and actually my daughter said that the other day she said, Mommy, you know what I've realized is such and such she's she I really like her I like her so much. And I said, why is that? She said, because she's really interested in me. She said, so I've learned, I've realized that that's why that's where you keep saying to me be interested in people because it makes you feel great, or what great connection thing. So you keep saying it, and then eventually they'll go, Oh, yes.
00:20:18.660 --> 00:20:19.140
Is that
00:20:19.679 --> 00:20:39.778
true, though, if we can, if we can learn to be good listeners, and to be a good listener is also a skill, a skill, because that takes practice to because most people are hopeless at it. They're just waiting for the gap to say what they want to say, rather than actually listening. So learning how to listen is a massively useful skill.
00:20:39.809 --> 00:20:41.700
Yes, again, something we can practice.
00:20:42.960 --> 00:21:00.059
Again, be interesting. So if you're on tick tock all day, you're not going to be interesting, because you may try and tell the story of the last thing you scrolled through, but I didn't see it. And it's not, you know, just, they need to find other things that are their thing that they can talk about.
00:21:00.119 --> 00:21:16.410
Some kids are going to find things very easy. They watch the way other people do things. They learn from that, and then they practice it. A lot of kids won't be like that. And they don't even have to be, you know, neurodiverse they just might just not get things out easily.
00:21:11.549 --> 00:21:20.430
So, actually, I have said, right, practice telling a story.
00:21:16.410 --> 00:21:43.230
So hear a good story that you think is a good one that other people won't have heard. And now practice it on me. Oh, lovely idea. And so you know, we had this fascinating guy around who told us hilarious story. And I said to my daughter gonna tell me that story, because it's a really good story. And it was a really nice way of her to practice hearing a story that someone else told retelling it or seeing something, retelling it. And that gave her confidence.
00:21:43.319 --> 00:21:47.279
I love that. That's brilliant. That is really brilliant. I'm gonna try that.
00:21:45.450 --> 00:21:47.279
And
00:21:47.279 --> 00:22:11.190
just and then IP back to the Makaha was raised. Wow, you really told them? Yeah. And just understanding so teenagers will socialize differently. So maybe the teenager does like to socialize online. So rather than, you know, saying, you've got to do it this way, understanding that, but if they're socializing online, obviously, they need to be safe.
00:22:06.599 --> 00:22:13.619
So that's another whole area, which we haven't got time to go into at the moment. But yes,
00:22:14.069 --> 00:22:32.309
yeah. And also teaching a teenagers that the ones that find it really easy to make friends and that they have, you know, millions of friends and it's just never been a thing for them, to have their antenna out for those who are feeling awkward and to teach them.
00:22:27.240 --> 00:22:41.400
Compassion and empathy that actually the awkward kid in the corner is not feeling very nice inside and it does no skin off their nose to to reach out.
00:22:41.789 --> 00:23:02.039
There's no skin off their nose. But also for that awkward your your teenagers that awkward one that needs to find more friends, come back to the light touch because if someone reaches out to you do not cling to them, like you're about to drown. Because they will instantly go Oh, that was a bad idea. That is so you actually I've had that where they're gone. Oh my God, why did I do what? I'm the nice person.
00:23:02.039 --> 00:23:05.279
And now I've got this cling on?
00:23:02.039 --> 00:23:06.180
Yes. So you have to be f9 I've experienced that too. That's
00:23:06.180 --> 00:23:07.259
a really, really good point. I
00:23:07.259 --> 00:23:26.339
know that when you talk to your teenager about this, say, you know you find someone they're nice to you don't suddenly make them your new best friend that you've got to do everything with just see that as one chip. Okay, next one, you know, and find your tribe. So I was listening to a fantastic piece about ADHD kids.
00:23:21.029 --> 00:24:09.480
And he was saying that he was a teacher. And he said, what I've done with students is that I've set up I knew there was one girl who was struggling with her friendships. She wasn't really making friends, because she's not like everybody. Yeah, people, people look at her and go, she's a bit awkward or something. Or she to interrupts all the time she and he said, first of all, you've got to teach these kids skills, you've got to actually say so you and what happened there is you interrupted all the time, and that's going to be uncomfortable for people. So this is how to stop. Yes, this is how to make friends and not do that. And then also, he said, I just set up a group of looking students who'd like Twilight, the book and he said, I didn't want to read Twilight, but I knew that she loved it. And then suddenly, I had four kids in this group, bam, friends,
00:24:09.509 --> 00:24:36.480
that's a great teacher, teacher flicks. So teachers that is a great thing to do. And also the I love the idea of teaching them skills like you've talked about with with various things but with friendship or teaching them skills because especially if they are struggling or they have ADHD or whatever they're struggling with, we can be a bit hands off bit scared, can we are we better not? We've no we don't want to offend them more. But actually, if they don't have the skills then we're not
00:24:36.599 --> 00:24:58.769
in the hills base. So don't pretend that your child is you know, nothing there's no problem actually address it to say okay, there's a skills gap there. So and then every time they go into a new scenario Okay, so last time to remember what happened then let's make sure that this time you know, just remember these skills and just be matter of fact about it. It's not that you're a bad person is just these are the skills this is what people are expecting. Yeah.
00:24:58.829 --> 00:25:26.759
And then based on their own feelings of who they are, and their self worth and their self esteem of, of they don't have to you don't have to feel that they have to be who they're not. But that they can, these little skills can be additional to who they already are. They're not behind it. I remember I remember being a teenager and like watching this girl who was really socially able and, and then thinking, well, now I need to be like her.
00:25:23.099 --> 00:25:35.549
Yes. And I was never going to be like her. I never, you know, with hindsight, I never wanted to be like her. But thinking that I had to be different from who I was to be accepted. It's really important
00:25:35.848 --> 00:26:13.409
that you know, that's a really interesting point you make, because I've told my children to be like magpies, because if they noticed something, they're drawn to somebody, and they notice something, look at the what they what are they doing? What is it that you find appealing, and you don't have to be that person, you take that little bit. And well, I can try and practice that skill and be like that. And then slowly over time, you're going to meet lots of people who've got really interesting skills, or that you know, their social in a way that really appeals to you. If you feel drawn to them. That's you're, you're emotionally being told, there's something there that you'd like to get a bit more of.
00:26:13.409 --> 00:26:13.528
I
00:26:13.529 --> 00:26:29.250
love that. And that's coming from a really different place. So that's coming from a place of self acceptance that you don't Okay, who you are right now. And what Oh, I like that, and what I can like that I can add that on, or discard it when I don't want it anymore. I think mine was more like, oh, I don't feel great. I want to be her.
00:26:30.480 --> 00:26:34.259
We've all there's so many teenage books that are written like that.
00:26:35.789 --> 00:26:37.799
Yeah, and I know that one.
00:26:38.099 --> 00:26:54.809
And then at the end of the book, I find that her life isn't that great. Yeah. And also the depth of the friendship, because because when you make new friends, it can be lovely. But the misunderstandings can be very quick to set in because you don't know each other that well.
00:26:54.809 --> 00:27:25.049
So you don't know that that person does that not out of spite, it's because they're like that, right? So you actually have to there's a little bit of coaching you can do you don't have to, but help your team to think about, you know, what are you saying on your because they're messaging all the time and snaps and things? What are you saying? Are you is your friendship deep enough? Where they're really understand that as being non confrontational or not, it's a lot of room for getting things wrong? Yeah. When you're not a deep, deep friendship,
00:27:25.529 --> 00:27:38.579
or the other way, you're, you're not sure of who you are. And then you become the, you know, the stereotypical good girl people pleaser, don't want to offend anyone, and then you're not really being authentic with your friends, and then it's all a bit,
00:27:38.909 --> 00:28:39.088
and then they're not friends with you, because they don't know, you know, because you're not actually being yourself. And that's critically important that you just be who you are. So we can also we can just geographically, we can set up things. So we can, if you look at them, and you think, okay, they're not, you know, they're stuck in their little class, and there are only there are this many people in the class. And then they're not really socializing beyond that. And now how, you know, that's not really doing it for them. How can I do this? So, you know, obviously, sports clubs and things like that are an easy hit, if they're sporty, but lots of kids aren't, you know, the drama groups again, if they're not drama. So, I mean, I've been talking to local kids here and saying, Well, why don't the ones who may be, you know, want to branch out a bit more from their current groups? Let's set up a cinema club. So they can order you can say, right, this film is on? Why doesn't everybody meet for an hour beforehand? You can have a drink and chat, and then you have a film. That's a great idea. Okay. When you don't want to talk to anyone?
00:28:39.119 --> 00:28:43.380
Did they think that was the night? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what age are they then?
00:28:43.710 --> 00:28:46.740
Oh, 13 through 217.
00:28:46.769 --> 00:28:48.210
Amazing. I love that idea.
00:28:48.240 --> 00:29:02.819
I think it's a really because then it's, you know, actually what happens is, and you sort of open up to just like being a friend. All right, so anyone can come. And then it gives you a chance to meet other people and start to fight because it's finding your tribe,
00:29:03.150 --> 00:29:09.150
finding your tribe a fit, feeling good about who you are, and finding the tribe that matches that rather than changing yourself.
00:29:09.329 --> 00:29:27.539
And what's been really helpful. For my I've got one who's very group oriented, and one who's a floater. And they're both very valid and I'm a floater. And the floater. She said it was amazing to go on a trip where there were lots of other floaters. Oh, wow. Yeah.
00:29:24.390 --> 00:29:30.630
But a lot. A lot of these people were just really interesting people that didn't want to be just in a group
00:29:30.660 --> 00:30:14.190
are amazing for her to discover that. And we have to be we touched on it slightly, but maybe just to clarify that, you know, we have to be careful that our expectations and our friendships, we're not just shoving them on our kids. So if you are a massive party, anyone have always had a million friends and super sociable and an extrovert in the sense that you get energy from being with people, then it's going to be troubling for you to see your kid who maybe is an introvert It needs to fill a recharge because they get exhausted. And they may be happy with just one or two friends. And they really feel cool. And they don't need a big group. We need to have an awareness that maybe our kids aren't like us. And that's fine.
00:30:14.460 --> 00:30:17.460
And a respect for that. Yeah, I think that's really important.
00:30:17.460 --> 00:30:30.150
I've heard lots of situations where, you know, the parents are really worrying about the way the kid is either way, and the kids like, I'm fine. Problem is, we should just leave me alone.
00:30:32.099 --> 00:30:34.230
Five, if anybody's watched absolutely fabulous.
00:30:37.259 --> 00:30:45.180
And my daughter is, she's an introvert. And she's got, she's got lovely, lovely friends. And she's got, you know, a good group of friends.
00:30:41.940 --> 00:31:02.819
So it's not how many friends you have. But she's, you know, from an energy space. So she's really quite aware that she can be with her friends. And that's lovely, and get to know new people. But if she's with new people, that's going to really drain her. And that next day, she might have to do nothing. So she's quite aware of how to recharge Her battery.
00:31:02.819 --> 00:31:09.779
But as parents, we need to sort of be a bit aware of that. We're not dragging them to social things, because we think they need to have fun
00:31:09.900 --> 00:31:21.420
spot on. And my mantra with my kids has always been when you're with a good friend, they make you more yourself and you can be on your own. Yes, yes, there's something they just bring something good.
00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:30.839
And if that's not happening, then maybe think about, you know, whether this is the friendship to spend all your money on how do you feel after you've been with some things?
00:31:27.240 --> 00:31:52.019
Yes. And remember your own well being as a parent. So you've talked about how parents can project onto their children, which is a key problem, but it's also when your child, which happens a lot, can have problems with their friendships. Whether it's partying, or it's a continual thing, we need to look after ourselves, do not get too drawn into it, because you can't solve their problems for them.
00:31:52.019 --> 00:32:01.769
You can sit side by side, you can look at the problem, you can try and coach them. But we also need to not get too deep into it. Yeah, for your own health.
00:31:59.549 --> 00:32:01.769
Yes,
00:32:01.769 --> 00:32:31.769
absolutely. I love that point. I think it's really important. And remembering that we set the tone still, even when they're teenagers and older teenagers, we are a big part of setting the tone. So if we go into a situation, like it's a massive catastrophe, oh my god, your friends been horrible to you. This is awful, you poor thing. And it might feel like that. And I'm not saying that's never appropriate. But we just need to be aware what what are we saying with our body language? Can we can we lift them? Can we set a different tone? Can we lift them? Can we help them in a different way?
00:32:31.799 --> 00:32:32.309
Yes. Or
00:32:32.309 --> 00:33:06.390
just sit back and help them sit back and look at it? Yeah, you know, objectively Yeah. So you can email help at teenagers untangle.com. And if you've enjoyed this episode, then why not help other parents, tell your friends, tell the schools subscribe to our podcasts and all would a massive bonus if you managed to review us. You can do that on Apple podcasts or on our website where you can find everything that's WWW dot teenager's untangled.com There are links to every episode there. There's a blog reviews, easy ways to contact both of us.
00:33:02.970 --> 00:33:06.809
Susie has her own website which is
00:33:08.279 --> 00:33:11.519
www.amindful-life.co.uk.
00:33:08.279 --> 00:33:11.519
Yeah,
00:33:11.579 --> 00:33:15.779
she you can talk to her there. That's it for now. Goodbye. Bye bye for now.
