Transcript
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Hello, I'm Rachel Richards and welcome to Teenagers Untangled the audio hug where we use research by experts and our own experience to discuss everything and anything to do with parenting teenagers.
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Hi there. I'm Susie Asli, mindfulness coach, mindful therapist and musician and mother of three teenagers. Two of them are twins.
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As a parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters, I've seen the transformative power of getting people together to share ideas and support each other. So here we are. Welcome. Pull up a chair. And let's begin. Now Susie, we both have teens who are revising hard for exams.
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How's it going? Pass pass? Okay, we'll come on. We'll talk about it in a minute. Given that we're both dealing with this, you suggested we talk about it and how we can support them.
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I don't know what I was thinking.
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Well, I think there are lots of other parents who probably going through this level of stress. So it's definitely something we should cover. It did occur to me that some of you might not want to listen to our nuggets, or, you know, if we've got reviews, if that's you don't worry about it.
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I create chapters in the podcast. So just flick to the next bit, if you don't want to hear all these things. So let's start with the nugget.
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Yeah, that's pretty clever. You do chapters, I don't know how to do that. My nugget this week is I've had lots of discussions with my eldest this week, a few anyway, some to do with exams, he's the guy doing exams, hitting a levels. And also other other things. And ages ago, I talked on this podcast about I have a two minute thing. I remember it Yes, particularly works well for boys. So it's like they don't want to talk. Or they certainly don't want to talk for very long. So we set a time I think a viewer wanted
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they don't want you talking for very long, no, that's more precise.
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And he doesn't wanna talk either. So it's probably both ways. But two minutes is a doable, short amount. It makes me focused. And it's hard to say no, I haven't got two minutes to listen. I mean, he's done it. So there was something we both needed to discuss. And I said, You're gonna have 30 seconds I went, and then that's too short.
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I said, Okay, two minutes, two minutes. And he literally got his phone out, set the timer.
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And I was very efficient and said, what I needed to say, went slightly over, he actually paused it in the middle, which was interesting, because he wanted to speak.
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How interesting.
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And then yeah, that was quite funny. But it's so worth trying. So particularly for boys, maybe for some girls, my daughter doesn't need it, or doesn't find it helpful. But for some boys, they don't want to talk they don't want to hear.
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But if you say okay, I'm going to talk for two minutes, and then you have to be willing, that's an end after two minutes.
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And he was the one who suggested it. Love it.
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What a great one. For me, I do a dance exercise class on Saturday mornings, called Boost fit. Now she corrects people and says it's not a dance class, but it's kind of like just an energy class. And it's really good. I took both my girls and they both loved it as well. And when I asked them why they both said, it's because they can just be themselves, there's no need to perform to a standard, they can just enjoy moving their bodies, because the class teacher is very explicit about how there's no judgment, if you go one way, and the teacher is going the other way. It doesn't matter if you want to put down the weights, put them down. She's very, very explicit about their lack of judgment. And I thought, you know, how many spaces do we have in our lives where there is no judgment. And I think for teenagers in particular, they feel judged all the time, you know, their school environment is entirely set up to judge them. And we worry about whether they're fitting into certain norms, so they feel judged. And it reminded me of something one of our listeners mentioned to me, a lady called Charlie who said she'd watch this program where the contestants had to live in the dark. And I said, that sounds absolutely awful.
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And she said, Well, funnily enough, there were two larger ladies who came out and said it was fantastic. And I said, really? Why? And she said, well, because they felt for the first time in their lives unjudged.
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Wow. So reflecting on this, it made me realize that we all have too many situations where we are judged. Yeah. So coming back to this whole revision situation, I think when your kids are being difficult, and they're pushing back, I think a lot of it's to do with just feeling there's too much pressure.
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Yeah, because we get external judgment, which we then internalize, and we
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all interact Yes. And then and then it continues to be our own conversation with ourselves on a daily basis. And I always say to my kids, when they say something like 'Oh you stupid, you know to them selves. I just say just be careful what you say because you're listening. Yeah. So let's have a quick look at we've got to had a couple of reviews Susie, do you? What do you got there?
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Well, I've got a lovely one, actually. And it says, Dear Rachel, thank you so much for the latest podcast on underage sex. I'm the mum who requested it. Wow. It's amazing.
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And your advice has really helped me have better conversations with my daughter.
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There are multiple red flags with this boy, which my daughter is unwilling to acknowledge. But by listening to your wonderful podcasts, all of them, I've managed to move from a position of panic and confrontation, which I could see she switched off from too much calmer informed conversations. Thank you so much for tackling an uncomfortable topic with such excellent information, especially around consent.
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Looking forward to your future podcasts. Wow. That's a really lovely, wonderful feedback.
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Back.
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Yes. Because it was a difficult one to research and it tied me in knots. So it was lovely to hear that.
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Absolutely. And I've got one here from Claudia, who wrote great episode, as always, thank you. I loved your episode on overreacting, I hadn't realized I respond exactly the way I was brought up. We are a family of over reactors. And it explains so much must be our Italian genes. And I will definitely try the acronym and put it on a Post It in my mirror. Thank you again, for such invaluable advice, Claudia.
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Oh, amazing. Yes, it's always are worth looking back and thinking patterns.
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Now. Let's start with this revision situation. And I'm going to start off by asking, Susie, what support did you have from your parents when you were studying for your exams?
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Yeah, that's a really good question. Because I think it's really different now.
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I was a really hard worker at school. I went to music college.
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So actually, I didn't need my A levels, I needed two passes. But I took it upon myself that I needed to do really well. So that was internalized. And I worked really hard. And so my parents were kind of a bit like, oh, take a break. And didn't really get involved didn't need to get involved. And they also didn't, and my friend's parents were just sort of quietly supporting, as opposed to being really on it.
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Interesting. So I asked my husband, he said his parents did nothing, he ended up at Oxford, but it was, you know, pretty much self motivation, and probably very good teaching good structure around him. For me, I at sort of the the younger, senior school level, I didn't really do my homework, I didn't study very hard because I couldn't understand the point.
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And I was in an environment where nobody really tried that hard. I was in the top classes.
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So I tried a bit. It was only when I got to A levels that I really thought, wow, my life is going to be awful if I don't actually study. Yeah. And and again, it was all self motivated. In fact, my parents were anti help anti support, and I moved out and lived in a tent in the second part of my exams, because it was just so appalling at home. So the reason I'm bringing this up is because
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incredible story, by the way. Yeah.
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It's sort of now I look back. And I think gosh, that's just says something about me, I guess, but I'm quite a determined person. But I think what it says is that the most important thing, I think, is how the person feels inside; the self motivation makes a massive difference, whatever the reason for the self motivation. You need that because you can put someone in a room and make them study, but they won't study.
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Right? No, they've got to find it in themselves. Because there has to be a reason.
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I think it's a really tricky balance. I think you're absolutely right. I think it's a really tricky balance. So my eldest is doing A levels, which is the, for those who don't have the joy of knowing what an A level is; lucky you.
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It's the final exam at age 18.
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Yes. And he breezed through his GCSEs at 16. They were under the COVID years so he did do exams in his school. Some schools didn't do any exams but he did.
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But the level of the of the content whether he'd done exams or not was never that challenging for him. He obviously didn't get, you know, full marks and everything but it wasn't a problem. A Levels he's found really difficult. And so he is, you know, the self motivation thing I think is crucial. However, their brains are also not super developed, as we've talked about ad nauseam here. And I think particularly boys need a kind of container where they're nudged and kind of pushed a little bit but it also has to come from them. So I found it more useful with mine to kind of go, you know, what do you want? What do you want at the end of this, rather than you've got to get, particularly what happened once, and if you want, you know, whatever you want, I'll back you 100%. But what if you want something and you're going in the opposite direction, which is what was happening for quite a while, then, I felt it's my job as a parent. And actually, we had this conversation the other day again, because you can't just have them once. To kind of hold up a mirror to him, and this is what I'm seeing. And I explained what I was seeing, he didn't particularly like what he was seeing, but he actually agreed with it, because it was a calm, sort of rational conversation.
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And then you you know, then he has a choice within that. And then at the end of it, I can say, well, how can I support you in it? Because this is what I'm seeing. Yeah, he agreed. Yeah.
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How can I support you in it?
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It's, still his bag. And I can tell him, I've got your back for you. 100%, what do you need, but this is yours.
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Yeah, it's such a smart way of going about it in actually, there's an amazing book, called the only study guide you'll ever need, which is written by a young woman called Jade Bowler who's only just finished university. So she's young. So she's going through this, she's been through this system. It's not a sort of, because we all went through an older system. So we can say, well, it's different. And she says, the one thing you get to choose is how hard you work and how you work. And absolutely, what you're saying is vital, because it's the 'why'. And the context. So a piece of paper isn't stressful it's the context around, it's a stuff that's going on around it.
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And hard work actually even mean that conversation with with my son, because he thought he was working hard. And it wasn't getting him where he wanted to go. So it's, you know, it's lots of things in it.
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Well, that's an interesting one, because my younger daughter was the second one to pick up this book, after quite some time with my older daughter using it and saying, oh, it's brilliant. It's brilliant mummy. The second one picked it up very recently, and literally said, Mummy, this is life changing. I've been doing it all wrong. I thought I was working. I wasn't amazing, which is fascinating, isn't it. And what Jade talks about is she says the way we are scored is insecure competition. And if we really wanted individuals to achieve, we'd be comparing them with their previous results, not with each other. So the system is set up to create stress. And what we're actually looking at is a game. And if school is not set up, really for all of us to develop our own wonderful personal attributes. It isn',t because it was set up to basically create people who work in factories, or who will go and work in administrative classes and be compliant. So let's just accept that. And be honest about what we're dealing with here.
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Because I think when we tell our kids, this is the be all and end all and you've got to succeed at this. It causes enormous stress.
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And it's not true.
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No, it's not true.
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And it's so mean, there are some amazing just do to make sure that we're not giving a funny picture. There are some amazing teachers and there are some, amazing things within the education system that are created for all the right reasons and a really beautiful.
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However, I'm really opinionated about this subject ask my partner, I can soapbox about it, I really feel that the education system is a culture of fear.
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It's like you're saying it's it's fear, it's stress, it's, this kind of scarcity mentality of are you going to be alright?
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Are you going to be right in life, if you don't get these grades, you're not going to be alright. And we kind of put it's kind of almost comical we sometimes we put kid doing really well. Right next door to my kid's gonna be homeless. And it's kind of like either or. And if we can just maybe just stretch that out a little bit.
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There's a million options in between? And are we educating?
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Are we are we thinking about all these topics from a place of love? Or from a place of fear that.
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Or joy, because Because actually, one thing that Jade mentioned, which I thought was brilliant, where she said, you know, kids get to senior school. And suddenly, once they're going to all this other stuff, like who am I? How do I feel about life? Oh, I've got these genitals that are doing things and all that stuff. And suddenly, all you hear about is exams. Yes, you know, I'm going to have to sit these exams and it's just nonstop. And that's quite a shock. And it's a lot to deal with. So she says, Look, you you need to treat school like a game and it's a game that you can win it's about how you approach it. And she said, learning to love studying and learning is a radical act of self love, self care. She says what you were saying really which is let's start at the end with what do you want and I did this. If you haven't listened to Episode Five do because the we talked about motivation and we talks about all this stuff then.
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And the conversations I had with my daughter transformed her.
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Yeah, they, they really, really, really changed her trajectory.
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Because it's about what do you want? And now let's look five years down the line and where that is.
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Yeah, and a lot of kids don't know what they want.
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So it doesn't have to be like a precise I want to be at university doing this ... It could be much more abstract than that. Like, do I want to do well? Do I not want to do I want to do a perhaps something practical? Do I want? What subjects am I interested in? It can be as precise or as abstract as that particular child needs.
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But also it's that, okay, I want you to imagine its results day, and you're leaving about school? How do you imagine that feeling? Are you going to be I put everything I can into this situation. And here's what I got. And then I can feel good about myself, because I've done what I can, or are you going to have a pang of regret thinking I should have, because most adults, when you talk to them will say, I wish I made more of my school time.
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Yeah, or maybe that particular kid isn't going to do very well in their exams, because that's not how they tick. And they've also made a choice that maybe that's not the most important thing for them, and maybe they're going to do go off and do something really practical or something else. So how they feel on results day has to be kind of taken into consideration for that, maybe they'll be fine because they know they're going to go and do something else. But they're not going to then panic.
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And talking about this where, for example, you've got one who's highly academic, and you know, heading for the top universities, and you've got another who doesn't work like that at all, and neurodiverse, or whatever.
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Reputations are also glass ceilings for both. So when your expectations are too high for somebody, then what happens is they just worry that one bad grade will bring the ceiling down and the stress will be enormous. And the other is true, where they're saddled with a reputation of being average, they tilt their head away from goals, because it's it doesn't feel comfortable.
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yeah, that's really important. And we still you know, we very much we've talked about this before we equate, you know, good grades and doing well in school with being a better person. We do, you know, you're more valuable. If you're good at school, you're regarded more highly if you've got at all, you've got haze, or well done.
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And if you're if you you know, scraping by then very easily these kids can feel that they're of less worth. And I feel very strongly that so wrong. Yeah.
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Because, you know, we that's just one way of judging somebody if we have to judge them at all.
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But if we want to categorize people, which we like to, we have so many forms of intelligence, and academic and particularly scientific academic, which is the one we can measure the most, is the one we value the most, and anyone who you know, you're good at brilliant or cooking, or in all the other music arts, or you're an amazing friend, or you're brilliant with all these other beautiful things we can be natural and talented at are of less worth.
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Yeah, And so we really need to keep that monkey on our shoulders. That yes,
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we need to have a real good look at what am I valuing? What am I putting on as even if I'm doing it unconsciously, what signals Am I sending out, because if if that kid's not stepping up to the mark, they're not going to feel great about themselves.
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So it is about but it's about coaching. So it's about saying, What do you want?
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Let's assume that they're going up for these exams, and they would like to get the best out of it. Yeah. So the question is, what's causing low motivation?
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So do you feel motivated? No, I'm really not enjoying this.
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I'm finding this really hard. So what is it? Do your friends not like studying? Are you surrounded by people who are not? Who think really
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important? Because this matters? That's really important the five people? Do you know mates who like studying?
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Exactly what I mean? Or do you not understand how this can be applicable or useful or applicable or interesting,
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or relevant or relevant?
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For example, when you look at geography, you're actually studying things that have happened to real people across the world. So it's about taking what it is you're learning and thinking, Well, why are you studying this and it so you can actually help your your child understand the benefit of doing something then that can be very valuable to them. The problem we've got is that we are in a world - our kids are in a world - now that's different from ours in the way that they are swiping. There's a lot of swipes a lot of technology. And we can't only study the things that we find interesting, which is what our brains are been trained to do when we're online, and we can't absorb things in just six seconds.
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Yeah, it's a real balance, isn't it between and I've had this convert session as well. You know, it's a real sort of almost a dance between, you know, being motivated finding the relevant getting engaged and being interesting. And just sucking it up. Yeah, no one likes revising. No one, there's always part of learning that we don't like, just got to do it, mate. Yeah, get on with it. And
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I'm going to come on to the key ways that she talks about because she's studied, what techniques really work, right, which I think's very interesting. And just think, you know, when you when you're surrounded by friends who don't really want to study, just think in five years time, would I make this choice in five years time are these friends going to be the people who were the most important to me, so. And also, let's be honest, I mentored a girl who was a part of a refugee family living in London, they lived in a flat, which had two bedrooms, parents in one bedroom, her and her much younger sister and another bedroom. And then there was one space apart from that, where they would cook everything, watch TV, this was very, very difficult. So for some people, your circumstances are very difficult. And for a situation like that, for example, the only place she could work was in her bedroom. So I would say why don't move her into her parents bedroom. So it's not where she normally sleeps, put up some boxes on the bed, and she can actually have a desk of her own.
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And you can improvise these things. That's what you can do as a parent, where you look at the circumstances and say, these aren't ideal. But I can improvise. And it's the fact that you're looking at the situation and saying, I know this is hard. I'm going to support you with whatever I can.
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Yeah. So the starting with the motivation, the 'why'. And if you think that you're not good at something, then you're going to find it hard to do. So it's it's encouraging that growth mindset we talked about before, which is I'm not good at chemistry, YET. Well, but this is really interesting, because so my, my younger daughter, who has struggled, because she's dyslexic, and there are all sorts of issues there. She read this book. And then she came back to me and said, I've learned this spaced repetition.
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So we have a forgetting curve.
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So first of all, we have to understand it, and the understanding, it can really take deep thought coming back to it coming back to it. And I've said to my kids, if you are in a lesson and you don't understand something, don't leave, stay behind and say I didn't quite understand that. Because it's not going to go away, you're going to need to know it. So it's worth going to the teacher and saying, Can I have some more support? Yes, quite often the teachers are there. And actually what they want is they want people to want to lay
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too, and doing that early. I mean, I wish I had, I wish my eldest had done that earlier. Because I think very quickly becomes overwhelming if you if you don't understand stuff. Yeah. And then that that escalates. And then suddenly, you're like, Well, I don't get it. Yeah, because if you've gone the first time and unpicked it the first
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yes. And my friend who ended up he got a
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Yeah, I was because my son is dyslexic as well. And double first and Oxford and went to NASA. I asked him, you know, how did you do so well, and he said, You know what, I never left a class without understanding. And he just said, then when it came to revision, I was just going over stuff I already knew, I understood, but I just didn't remember it. So coming on to the forgetting curve. So memory starts strong, you can revise a concept, understand it, recall it tomorrow, it drops off very, very quickly. So seven times, you have to have it, you have to what you have to do is there's I mean, and again, this book gives it to you clearly, but you need to know how long it will stay in your brain. And there are fairly consistent results with this because people have done research into this. And the thing to do is just repeat the revision within that that time.
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So it goes it fills back up again. And then the gaps get longer. And she said you can even create a spreadsheet where you look at the information, then the next day you look at it, and then you can leave it for a few days. And you keep going. That's the way to revise.
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So there's a very specific pattern, you can use spaced revision, active revision. So the active side of it is about how you're revising. So first of all, you do need to understand it if you don't understand it, you've got to go and understand it. But the act of revision for example, my older daughter does this. She says I blurt so she writes down absolutely anything she can remember about that,dates everything. And then she looks at her notes and compares them with what she's actually remembered. And then she knows what she hasn't got.
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So this is a very active way of remembering if you're using flashcards you can write down, for example, you write down to a cell. Don't put all the things on the cell, write down the cell and then on the flashcard Look at the flashcard and think, Okay, what should be on that flashcard? What do I remember?
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we call them memory hooks, yes, yeah, find something that was Turn it over? That's what I forgot. And this is about active recall. It's good for visual learners. Yes. And it's it. It's also about it's very easy to be highlighting things, writing notes, all those things that we think are actively helping you remember, you're not. So the active recall happens from dragging that damn stuff out of your brain. You can, you can spend far less time revising, by doing it this way. Can you make associations, so you ended in a party, someone's introduced to you, and you've got to try and remember their name. And the whole point is you need to create an association, either with someone you know, or something, you know. And these associations are very, very powerful. And it's the same with revision, if you are trying to revise something, it needs to be hooked onto something in your brain that is already there that you can hook it to.
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relevant to him and make a memory hook. And then it's much easier
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actively creating those memory hooks is very, very powerful. And the fourth thing is it needs to be desirably. Difficult. So working at a pace where you're not finding it stressful. So once you get either you're bored, or you're stressed, that's probably time to take abreak.
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Yeah, that's, that's a really good way of looking at it.
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So there are lots of flashcard apps that you can use. And I think there's a really interesting thing called Flora, which both my girls were using, and it's an app on your phone, where you set a time that you're going to work for, and then it switches off your phone.
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And if you try and use your phone during that period of time your flower dies,
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oh, my friend of mine was talking about that lovely
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idea. But my older daughter was using this and she I came home one day, and I thought she's looking really sad. There's something wrong.
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And this is another thing as a parent, you can just watch your teen, and just check in with them to say how're you feeling.
00:27:09.630 --> 00:27:40.710
And she wasn't looking good. And I said, what's going on. And she said, Oh, nothing nothing. And as the evening wore on, and then she hung out with me, she eventually showed me the Flora app. And what had happened was she and her friends had decided to track each other on their revision schedules as a way of motivating each other. And she showed me these revision schedules. And one person was filling in eight hours a day.
00:27:36.930 --> 00:27:44.430
And she said, look, look, and I just said, this is utter rubbish. We know this person.
00:27:44.430 --> 00:28:04.650
First of all, her eight hours is not the same as your eighth house. And secondly, I guarantee she's not spending eight hours a day actually revising. This is rubbish. So my point is, these are a double edged sword. Yeah, check in with your teen and find out what techniques they're using. And if they are causing this kind of stress, I just said to her delete it.
00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:21.849
It's not helping you. Yeah, it's a really difficult one. Also, the idea of how much do you do? How do you structure your day? Obviously, when they're in school, it's different. And you know, what else are you doing? And that's where we can help them? Yeah, I made a timetable with mine.
00:28:22.630 --> 00:29:35.920
before Easter, which, which he needed, he didn't want to. And I also, I'm very much a believer in letting them do it themselves. And if he had been able and and wasn't where he is at, I would have let him do it himself. So but he's not we are where we are. And he was kind of also shocked as to how much I thought he should be doing, which was good learning. And then we did a colour coding. I said, Let's do the news. The classic, you know, traffic lights of get all your topics, get them all out, get us you know your topic subjects, just really the basic ones. And it's color code, you color code. And he was really reluctant. So it was a bit like, Oh, I'd have to do for maths as well. Yep, go and do it and do it now. And I felt like it was a bit like schoolmarm. But he did it and he color coded it and then it was a really good visual for him to see. Okay, these ones are red, I'm a bit screwed on them. I really need to look at them. And then we can change it. So over the Easter holidays, you know, you've done a good session on that topic that you really didn't get before. What would you do now? What would you call it now? Or it's still red. Okay, we'll keep it red then. Is it gone to Amber yet? Yeah, it's gone to Amber. And it's a really nice way of checking in great.
00:29:36.130 --> 00:29:51.849
And then we managed to do a timetable and again, maybe for another kid, you don't need to do this. And I don't even know if I have to do this for my others. I've no idea. Probably not. But in all the topics and just to make sure in his head.
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He knows he's covered them all by the end of the holiday.
00:29:54.609 --> 00:29:59.740
Because you know, Dyslexics are notoriously bad at time management
00:30:00.049 --> 00:30:08.240
That's brilliant support, because you know your child and you know that there are specific things that he finds more difficult and that you can step in. And
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I have to say, we've had years of, for various reasons building up a relationship where we can have difficult conversations. So he didn't want to do this, of course. And I kind of again, held up a mirror. I, I'm going to, I'm your, I'm not your mate here. I'm your support, and I'm going to be honest, do you want to do this or not? And he said, Okay, let's do it.
00:30:29.509 --> 00:30:47.839
And helping them understand their pattern of study is really powerful. So are they better with short breaks at regular intervals? Or can they have longer study periods with longer breaks? Because some children just can't study for that long, but your brain gets better. The more you do it.
00:30:48.019 --> 00:30:58.039
I've heard, one of his mates came around and was saying, you know, and he's worked really hard and all sorts of things. I don't don't know him that well, that he was thinking I'm revising, but I'm finding the breaks really hard.
00:30:58.039 --> 00:31:06.769
And I know, I know, my son does as well, and I remember this myself start a break, and suddenly, you know, 45 minutes is gone. Yes, yeah,
00:31:06.859 --> 00:31:09.170
this is a great time you break time the break.
00:31:09.170 --> 00:31:48.140
So plan stress buster activities during the break, and make sure those activities aren't over stimulation. So the classic one is they pick up the phone, and now they're gone, those gadgets will suck them in. So it's really easy for them. So one thing you can do is you can have a list of short break activities and a list of longer break activities that you can compile with them so that when they come out of the break, you put a timer on you say okay, you pick something that you like, so suggestions for a short break, you know, a cup, they can have a cup of something warm, like a hot chocolate with some marshmallows if has to be that step outside into nature, because nature doesn't
00:31:48.140 --> 00:31:52.460
care about your exam. Light sunlight is good for your brain, it
00:31:52.460 --> 00:32:00.349
is great dance to your favorite songs, stretching your muscles, just things like that, eat a fruit salad, or make a fruit salad.
00:31:56.630 --> 00:32:13.670
And with a longer break, you can play a bit of tennis or knock something around practicing your favorite activity. power nap, go for a walk. Plant seeds, my daughter loves planting seeds in the greenhouse, bake a cake.
00:32:13.700 --> 00:32:26.299
Yeah, you can as a really great activity with your teen, brainstorm the sorts of things that they would like to do in a break that aren't going on to a game on their phone or whatever that will then suck them in.
00:32:26.779 --> 00:32:33.140
Really kind of trying to time that being a little bit strict with themselves because you know, 10 minute break is suddenly an hour,
00:32:33.230 --> 00:32:47.509
suddenly an hour. And it's it's classic. And my older daughter is brilliant at going back. My younger daughter has said to me, I need to be in the kitchen with you mummy the whole time. Like I need to study in the kitchen with you because I won't go back to it. And just fine.
00:32:47.000 --> 00:33:58.579
I tried that with my 18 year old which I never thought I would be doing like I've been quite hands off, you judge it with your own kids. I think you get really distracted and he's finding it hard. And if we finding something manageable and okay, then it's easier to stick to isn't it? If we're finding it like it's an overwhelming mountain and it's hard, then we don't want to do it. And we're looking for you know, we're procrastinating. So I said, I have an online course that I'm doing and I'm quite behind on because I don't have a deadline. So I said Why don't I so it's a win win. I'm not going to martyr myself and be weird about it. But why don't I sit down at the table with you and we work out we have like revision accountability partners. And he was like, oh, that sounds a bit crap. But it was actually Okay, actually, that sounds okay. Why don't we try it? Because it's, you know, I'm working. He's working. His carrot is snacks. Yes. So we'll go to Morrison's big box of snacks and then we can have rewards. Yeah. So we worked together for one morning. He was massively fidgety and, and he was just trying to get into it.
00:33:59.539 --> 00:34:18.949
But he then for logistical reasons he needed to use his PC in his room. So he went back and it didn't work. We were in the same room. But the idea that I was trying to follow the same structure. And it's just a kind of a support. We can't always do that I had a week. So it was Easter holidays, you know, you're working. Of course you can't sit and do that with them.
00:34:18.949 --> 00:34:24.500
But just maybe occasionally or give them that that idea that they're not alone in the moment.
00:34:24.530 --> 00:35:11.570
Yeah. And removing any judgment from it, just say, I can see that maybe this is happening. How can I support you and then they will be more honest with you and honest with themselves rather than being defensive. So that's pretty much what we've got to offer. I hope it helps. I think we're all in it together. This a tough time of year for anybody who's got a teenager sitting exams, it can be triggering for you if you found and for some parents, they didn't go through academics and they don't really understand. And again, that's, you know, reach out look for other people. There's so much Online in terms of techniques, and just telling your teenager there are books out there, and there are study guides and other things that can help you. So even if you don't know the answers, they can find them.
00:35:11.599 --> 00:35:30.769
And also really importantly, and I think maybe for the A levels, you know, the final exams where actually there's there's much more at stake, because exams are a stepping stone. They're just a stepping stone may be an important stepping stone. But once you've got to the next step, they don't matter anymore.
00:35:26.630 --> 00:35:35.719
But if it doesn't go the way you want it to, you will be fine.
00:35:30.769 --> 00:35:39.079
Oh, there's absolutely the plan, a C Plan D plan, there's always it's not the end of the world.
00:35:39.079 --> 00:35:48.949
And I think that's what a lot of people have in their head, parents and kids. If they don't get what they need, and they have to, you know, do something else, then that's a big disaster.
00:35:48.980 --> 00:35:53.900
I'm gonna say you're spot on. That is the most critical thing for us to tell our kids yeah,
00:35:53.929 --> 00:35:58.130
tell them whatever happens. I've got your back.
00:35:58.159 --> 00:36:04.789
Yeah, we'll work it out. This isn't your whole life. This is just now. And whatever happens, you'll be fine.
00:36:04.969 --> 00:36:16.190
Yeah, absolutely. Perfect message to end on. What do you think? Have you been struggling with any of this? Are you a revision whiz, tell us your your to do and we can put them on our
00:36:16.219 --> 00:36:17.449
and quickly they're coming up soon?
00:36:19.190 --> 00:36:52.550
Oh, my goodness. I'll put the details of that book. I mean, I'm not I've got no affiliation with this, this young lady. I just think if both my kids are saying this is game changing, then it's worth putting it out there for all our listeners. If you've enjoyed this episode, then why not help other parents tell your friends so tell the school subscribe to our podcast and leave a review. If you've got the time or the inclination, that would be great. You can also sign up to receive all the latest that our own website which is www.teenagersuntangled.com. Suzy has her own website Suzy
00:36:52.949 --> 00:36:57.179
www.amindful-life.co.uk.
00:36:57.840 --> 00:37:05.039
Lots of tips there. You can have a conversation with her. It's all very chat free. And that's it.
00:37:05.070 --> 00:37:06.719
That's it for now. Goodbye. Bye bye for now.
