I began this podcast in December of the year my youngest was 13. To be honest, if my friend hadn't told me she needed me to make a podcast to help her it simply wouldn't have occurred to me to start one.
Yes, my skillset is audio/visual and presenting, but I'd never made a podcast, and used to have someone else filming and editing my TV pieces. The upside was that I'd already spent some time coaching parents in poorer areas of London, and my journalistic skills were causing my brain to rev constantly with nowhere to go.
Ever since my girls were born I have felt as if I am in a race to understand the job of parenting. It's a journey of trying to unwind all of the poor parenting I'd received and replacing it with new skills, but also needing to reframe the pretty toxic societal norms of the 80's; 'Greed is good'. 'If you want a friend get a dog'.
The difficulty is always that, when we see the light, we should be mindful of dropping everything and running towards it. There are lessons our parents, and those before them, learnt which should not be discarded. Picking out what the best lessons are is the trickiest part of it, because when society shifts it takes broad shoulders to hold strong against it.
Here is my rundown of the top ten. To be honest, even rereading it has brought up other important things, such as knowing your values, so I'll probably keep editing this over the years.
I'm nearly finished writing a course to help all of us parents in sorting out the foundations of fearless parenting. It's the course I wish I'd had right at the start, even before I'd had children. But my mantra is 'it's never too late', and I've yet to learn otherwise.
1: Connection with our kids is the most important thing to get right. So, if you are going to focus on only one thing, make it this. When our kids know that we care more about them than we do about being right we set up a situation where they will want to listen to us. Researching for my consequences episode and blog really drove this message home.
A lovely listener emailed to say, yes I realise it's important, but how do I develop a connection with two teenage boys who barely talk to me. This is the sort of question I love, because it illustrates the problem we all face. Some expert tells us the answer to our problems, and we nod in recognition, but it's not obvious how to do it in our own home.
I'll start by saying that we need to let go of the idea that we can control our kids; we really can't. Once we fully accept that, we can look at the relationship differently. Our job isn't to control or mold them into someone, our job is to find out who we have brought into the world and bring out the best of them.
Part of getting to know them - and form that connection - is about giving them a safe space to unpack their thoughts. The thing Benedicte was struggling with was that her sons don't unpack their thoughts with her. She's not alone, it's a common complaint
In my interview with Mike Nicholson he said it's not the case that boys don't want to talk, in fact he said that when they realise they're in a safe, judgement-free space, he can't shut them up. So why won't they talk to us at home? There will be lots of reasons, but one of the ways in which we can break down barriers is by doing things with them that show we are genuinely interested in their life rather than in what we can make them do. For example, if they love video games try to understand their world. What's the game they love the most at the moment, why, what makes it so good, how does it work, ask if you can see them in action. Don't push too hard because they'll become defensive; not trusting your agenda. The great thing about this is that they'll be the expert in the conversation, which is something that rarely happens for teens, and can give them a powerful sense of belonging and being appreciated.
Another dad in one of my parenting classes told me that he and his son love fixing up bicycles. He said that whilst they do things together he finds the conversation wanders on to other topics. If the topic is uncomfortable try to hold steady, keep curious, and remain judgement-free. The way we respond to anything they say will tell them whether they're in a safe space and feed into further opportunities to tell you about their world.
Giving them a space to voice their thoughts and opinions is invaluable. We may think they ample opporunity to do this but many boys have very few options for really airing their thoughts. Recently I read that as kids grow up we lend them our prefrontal cortex (the bit of the braind responsible for thinking through and making good decisions) until theirs is developed enough to be given full responsibility.
I love the way that describes the relationship. The development of this part of the brain isn't linear and happens at different ages for different kids; it’s not a process we can rush but we can help it along by allowing them somewhere they can voice their thoughts and fears so they can start to understand themselves better. The episode on how to talk to our teens is my go-to on this topic where we talked about super silence and active listening. They win every time.
The vital importance of connection is also another reason why I don't like punishment. Punishment is about power and control; not only does it destroy the connection we’re trying to build, I’ve also read neuroscience research that suggests - when it comes to teenagers – it doesn’t actually work to change their behaviour.
So, when one of my kids does things that I find troubling I’ve learned that, rather than punishing, I first need to ask why I'm troubled by it; both so that I can explain my reasoning and think about whether it truly matters. I then need to have a discussion about it, invoking pre-agreed consequences.
When I discovered my daughter vaping she knew that one of the consequences was going to be a reduction in her allowance because we have already discussed it, and she knows that I refuse to pay for her to harm herself. But more importantly I engaged her in a conversation about why she was doing it. Because I’ve invested so much in building our connection, rather than punishing, she was prepared to talk about it. She explained that all her friends vape but she doesn’t really know why she’s doing it, and then she said she’d give it up. Since I've learned to foster a curious mind, and use it to help my teens unpack their thinking, I then asked her why she would give it up. She said she’d do it for me. I explained that’s not a good reason to do anything – again, research shows it doesn’t work - and that my love for her isn’t dependent on her doing anything. So she needs to find her own why. I know this is anathema to the way many of us were brought up, but I'm convinced it's the best way to support her in making good choices. All of the people I've spoken with - who were punished harshy - went on to develop more problematic habits.
In summary – connection is about giving my kids a safe space where they can talk without judgement so they can hear their own thoughts and work out whether they make any sense. It’s about helping them to learn how to think for themselves and analyse and question why they’re doing things, rather than trying to force my kids to do things that matter to me.
2: This leads me onto number two - It’s not personal
If I catch myself thinking, why are you doing this to me? That’s my signal to stop. Most of the time our kids aren’t conscious of their behaviour, and aren’t really in control. If they’re doing things that piss us off, our first job is to ask why it pisses us off and then try to find a way to explain our own feelings to them, calmly. We're trying to model the sort of behaviour we want. If we react with anger we’re just teaching our kids that reacting with anger is the right way to behave when something doesn’t go the way we like.
Obviously, we’re all human and we’re going to get angry or upset. It’s normal. Being able apologise if we do get upset helps to keep that connection strong and it also lets our kids know that it’s OK to make mistakes and apologise.
I love the phrase: They’re not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.
So when my daughter and I were playing padel but she kept checking her phone and then playing badly, I felt angry. I managed to calm myself by saying ‘it’s not personal.’
I didn’t simply put up with it. I called a break and explained that there was no point playing because of her behaviour so I suggested we leave. It was only at that point – because we have this connection - that she stopped to think about why she was behaving the way she was. We talked it out and came up with a solution which involved her leaving her phone in my bag and realising that winning at a game isn’t about the points you score, it’s about being there in the moment, and having fun together.
3: The bullies
We all hate bullies, but I've come to believe that the worst bullies aren’t in the playground, they’re in our heads. You know the voice that says you must, you should, you aren’t good enough, you’re falling short. When we say these things to our kids we are handing them a bully to keep them company at night, and often that bully is one who’s been occupying our own mind for far too long.
Over the course of this podcast I’ve learned to notice when one of those bullies crops into my thoughts and to challenge it. The first thing I do is think, where is this bully from? Is it from my own parents, maybe they’re the words of people in my friendship circle? Or are they things I have read?
I then ask, is it true? I had a family member who made me feel constantly judged, to the point that I hated my life and couldn’t enjoy my kids because I spent every day feeling inadequate. Once I’d realised what was happening, and where the voice was coming from, I pushed back and realised that none of the things I was being judged for actually matter to me. The most important thing was the connection with my kids and my husband.
It cropped up recently when a listener contacted me to say that she's been trying to use lists to help herself, but it’s really hard with ADHD. It made me think that we often forget the tools to help us in life are just that; they’re tools. We forget that and use them as weapons against ourselves. We beat ourselves up imagining there’s some mythical person who’s got the perfect list-keeping strategy and we’re somehow bad people for not being able to keep up. Drop the judgement, use I could, I might, is this what I really want, does this really matter?
4: It’s not our job to tell our kids who to be, it’s our job to find out who our child is.
There's a really troubling strain of parenting articles in which parents of multiple kids got them all into medical school or onto a space programme etc. I find this really disconcerting because it's not realisitc for 99.9% of parents, nor should we be trying it.
We don't want a fictional character that doesn’t exist, or next door’s child. Our child isn't something we designed in a lab, they are sentient human being and the pressure on them to live up to the crazy ideals all aroudn us is intense. For some, it can be motivational, for many it feels crushing.
During the Paris Olympics my husband showed my daughter a 16 year old Olympic sprinter who is destroying records. She responded ‘I hate these things, I just look at them and think ‘What am I doing with my life, I’m nothing, I’m useless.’ Nobody was telling her that’s who she should be, but she feels the pressure.
I’m so grateful she has the space to feel safe saying what she really thinks. We inadvertently put pressure on our teens to be something they’re not but what if we focus on trying to really understand the child we have instead?
So what should we be saying to our kids? Using the words of Angela Duckworth – the woman who did the TED talk on Grit – don’t ignore your passions. Her parents wanted her to go to medical college, she ended up veering off into education, which was what she wanted to do from a young age.
I’ve discovered that I’m passionately obsessed psychology and parenting teenagers. I can have a guess at why, but it’s not entirely clear. What’s really interesting is that I recently remembered mentioning studying psychology when I was a teen. My father said, only mentally ill people study that subject. It was a throw away comment, but it was enough to put me off following that path, which is really stupid.
I’ve made it my job not to dismiss anything my kids are interested in, so when one kept mentioning how interested she was in cults, instead of thinking ew no, that’s a weird thing to find interesting, I bought her a book and told her not to ignore it. She’s now interested in studying criminology. Great. I’ve seen too many miserable adults who have tried desperately hard to do things they were told they should rather than the things they felt inspired by – to send my kids down that path.
5: Routine
This is one that completely eluded me. I had a solid routine for my kids when they were little then, as they became teenagers, it all began to unravel. Part of that was because I grew up in a chaotic household with no real routine so never really understood how useful it is.
From the research I’ve done, I’ve realised that routine is one of the key things that can pay dividends; reducing nagging and making everything run more smoothly.
Again, there’s a danger that we can use it as a weapon - and punish ourselves for not having a routine, but I’ve read enough now to know that a solid routine, lightly held, is the greatest gift of all.
Why? Well, because every time we stop to think about what we should do we run the risk of losing track, caving in to pressure, or simply not starting.
The key routine things I would focus on are:
- Sleep/Wake routines that work for the whole family.
- Routines around devices – most importantly keeping them out of rooms at night.
- Have some sort of mealtime routine that everyone knows and understands.
- Keep an open dialogue with your kids about their own routines, helping them to develop structure that works for them.
The important thing about this is that we parents need to walk the walk. We can’t just tell our kids what they need to do, and have an adult/teen divide, we need to look at our own screen time use, bedtimes etc and figure out what routines work best for everyone in the house
6: Assume they’re trying they’re best.
Being a teenager can feel overwhelmingly difficult, so don’t panic if things seem to be going wrong. All of the expectations ramp up rapidly at senior school. It’s not just extra work, they’re expected to manage their own time, develop new friendships, develop their own identity, and cope with raging hormones. Don’t panic if they seem to change overnight, they’re not their usual self, their grades drop or they’re being rude and sullen.
The amount of judgement they will be experiencing is hard to fathom, but it will feel intense. As a result, I’ve realised that the best thing we can do is be the voice that isn’t all about judgement. Always start by assuming they are trying to do their best and make a n effort to notice whenever they do good things, whilst trying to support them when they screw up. When our kids feel we see the good in them they’re more likely to try and live up to it.
So much of my research for this podcast has been trying to understand the world through our teen’s eyes. My daughters feel so safe coming to me with their problems because they know I get it. It makes parenting so much more enjoyable and I feel far more compassionate.
7: Try to have clear expectations, boundaries and consequences, but be ready to discuss and negotiate them.
There’s a big difference between boundaries and rules. Boundaries show us the edge; rules try to control us. Many of us grew up in households where there weren’t clear boundaries or where our parents tried to control us with rules, so it's natural that we can find this a difficult area to unpick.
If we don’t set clear boundaries it can make our kids feel very insecure, and they are likely to keep pushing to find them, so it’s important to create them with a clear eye, and be prepared to uphold them with consequences.
Consequences are something we can discuss beforehand and the great thing about them is that when they’re clear and we stick to the ones we have created, it’s the process that becomes the bad guy, not us. In other words, 'Oh no, you didn't manage to get back in time. I'm so sorry your curfew is being moved forward. Hopefully you can make it back in time on the next occasion.'
My kids and I regularly discuss expectations and consequences so there‘s never any pushback when the consequences kick in. But I’m also conscious that I can’t tell my kids to be something that I can’t live up to myself. I know I need to model the behaviour I want to see in them, and they’ll quickly tell me if I’m full of bullshit.
Expectations should be based on our values, and when we have expectations for our kids we're showing them that we believe in them. If we don’t set any we’re inadvertently telling our kids that we don’t think they’re capable or that they don’t matter. I made this mistake and it’s never too late to be more definite about expectation to show that we believe in our kids.
I’d say that setting expectations is hardest when we have a complex kid who is maybe neurodiverse. My friend has a daughter like this and was struggling with expectations. I’ve found one of the most useful phrases is ‘Oh honey, I can see that’s really hard. But you know, I think you can do it.’ That phrase shows that we believe in them. Of course, when we do set expectations they need to be focused on growth, not outcome.
8: Community: try to build it wherever you are.
I had no community growing up, so I never really understood how helpful, and important, it can be. It’s about looking for people who share our values and with whom we can jointly raise our kids.
You can’t get the same thing online, and our kids really need us to help build a real life community where they can flourish. If we are on the lookout for it, and we prioritise it, we’re far more likely to find it.
For example, I wish I’d been more open with other parents and tried to get our kids together more. I’ve started saying ‘This seems important to me, what about you? How do you see things? And tried to see different perspectives. I can feel very disorientating, which is one of the reasons we withdraw when other parents don’t operate in the same way. But I think talking things through with them – without judging them – can really help to build a shared village.
One of the key reasons I feel strongly about this is that our kids need a community to build values. We can’t leave our kids to be raised solely by the values being demonstrated online. I also think that we wildly underestimate the community value of the school our kids go to. They spend more time there than any of the other places where our kids learn values, so taking an active interest in supporting their school and the teachers who're building their community, is a vital part of this
9: Being honest about our own failings.
So often we feel that being adult should be about getting things right and being in charge, but when we make mistakes, admit to them and apologise, our teens feel closer and safer around us. They’re watching us, so they know when we get things wrong, and the way we treat our mistakes will have a profound impact on how they feel about their own. My daughter told me that she loves it when I’m open about my own failings. It gives her the right to make mistakes and admit to them too, and she feel safe coming to me to discuss the problems she’s having.
10: Make time to enjoy the ride:
With bonus daughters in their twenties and two who’re now in their late teens, I can see how incredibly valuable it is to find time to laugh with our kids. If everything feels like a long slog then you could be forgiven for wondering what’s the point. If you had it all snatched away tomorrow the thing you’d regret most was the moments when you could have connected or had more fun.
The teen years aren't just a factory process to get kids to adulthood. Playing games like Uno, Perudo, Monopoly Deal and Empire. Putting on their favourite music and dancing around the kitchen, running outside barefoot to look at a full moon. Do silly, cheap things and enjoy spontaneous moment whenever you can.
Don’t miss those moments for fear of having a lazy teen who falls behind, lean into them. Taking time to do silly, pointless, enjoyable things together could the time you value most when you look back at these years. It’s all about building connection. Which takes me back to the most important principle I’ve learned.
See how I did that?
And now for an extra - bonus tip - from our loyal listener, the excellent chef Tara Wigley.
She writes. The one thing I would add to the list is working out what your non-negotiable is as a parent and making sure it just always happens, no excuses. For Tara it’s morning exercise - a run or a swim or some yoga, and then she’s all set up for the day to be the mum she’s going to be.
So she recommends making sure we all do one thing each day just for ourselves and have no guilt about it, even when we are asked to do something for or with our kids just as we are leaving the house.
I love this point. It's a bit like putting on your oxygen mask before helping the rest of the family.
I would absolutley love to hear any suggestions you have, so please don't hestitate to write to me at teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
Also - just a reminder - I get all of these things wrong, quite often, but less wrong than I used to, and now I can laugh at myself which can be really helpful.
Give yourself a break but remember to give other parents a break too. Anytime it looks like they're making a terrible mistake try to be curious rather than judgemental and see if there's a way you can support them rather than shame them.
