I've had the immense privilege of hosting a bunch of girls for five days, being entrusted to listen in on the highs and lows of their lives. It prompted me to ask listeners who follow me on Instagram what they would like to know. The questions were terrific, and so were the answers, so I thought they were worth sharing:
Top tips for good teen friendships:
Starting afresh:
- Find classes or hobbies you like and you're more likely to find your tribe.
- Go up to people and talk. Be the person who makes the effort because when someone comes and talks to you you think oh she’s so sweet she’s really nice.
- Do this fast because people are forming groups quickly and you don’t want to be outside a group.
- If you’re trying to join an established group be less overt. Ease into it because it takes a while for people to get to know you.
- Within the first three months of joining a school accept every invitation you get.
- If you’re tagging along then you need to make a different choice. Don’t keep forcing when nobody really likes you.
Managing friendships:
- Don’t be the person that tries to control your friend's other friendships.
- If you’re in a friend group you need to be clear when you tell someone something that they can't tell the others otherwise they'll assume it's something the group knows.
- If someone does tell you something don’t tell anyone else because it will definitely get back to that person.
- If you’re going to talk about people be careful about the way you say its. There’s a difference between venting and cricitising.
- Don’t make jokes unless you know the humour of the people in the group. It’s a very important way to bond but it can easily land wrong. You need to understand what kind of people they are first.
- We’ve all said that one thing where everyone stops and looks at you. A lot of friendships are trial and error.
- If you're upset by something someone has said, tell that person, not everyone else.
The need for friendship:
- I’d rather have toxic friends than no friends at all.
- If you have nobody you will get depressed and become a target. You go to lunch and you have nobody to sit with they’re all looking at you.
- If you have no friends, and only family, you can’t really talk about things that matter to you. (Not true, but this is something we parents need to help them with.)
- Looking at other people going out and having fun can be very painful.
Friendship groups:
- Big groups are good but if it’s too big then ‘beef’ is created within.
- Be friendly with everyone. A trio isn’t a good number.
- Four or five is a nice number.
- If you're only best friends with one person you have a bigger chance of not having a friend.
For more on this, listen to https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/friendship-girls-and-toxic-groups-also-resilience-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-g/
What do they think of the smartphone-free-childhood campaign?
They're not really aware of it:
- It took a while to understand what was being proposed, but once I had explained that the idea was to somehow create rules or laws so all young teens couldn’t access social media they said it was a great idea.
- They’re basically on social media because everyone else is and they talk wistfully of the days before they got it.
- They would prefer SM to disappear completely so they didn’t have to either be on it or feel completely socially isolated, and they’re sad to see young girls in makeup and sexualised before their time.
Given the world they are currently in, what do they think?
- I think kids shouldn't have TikTok and Instagram before the age of 13 or 14, but 10 is OK for Snapchat.
- Before that it’s more damaging than useful because I’ve known a lot of people who say they wish their parents hadn’t given them access to YouTube etc too early because it made them grow up too soon and they would have liked to not know that stuff.
- They then said kids should be allowed phones before year 7 because they can make friends that way. It’s really hard without and they 'need' SnapChat for that.
- The problem with Insta and TikTok is it’s all about the way in which you look so you start wearing makeup and caring what you think too young.
- A lot of young kids have been influenced to buy skincare brands and kids are going into Sephora demanding stuff with Retinol in it, because they’re learning from 20 year olds and don’t understand it.
- Also, it feels really damaging to be looking at 20 year olds who look like they have perfect lives, but they’re fake. It’s hard to switch it off.
The addictive nature of the apps:
- I got totally addicted to TikTok, because when you’re bored and have nothing else to do it’s an easy hit.
- TikTok doesn’t really help you relax though, it stimulates you so your brain’s never switched off or able to wander.
Supervision:
- If you’re going to give your child access to social media then you’ve also got to trust them. Don’t keep checking on what they’re doing or sneaking a look at their devices without their permission. (I argued that there should surely be a phase of supervision) OK, but don’t sneak around. Be upfront and talk about it.
Consistency:
- Younger siblings get such an easy ride. I wasn’t allowed my phone upstairs and looking back I see the reasoning. Now my sibling has their phone in their room and never comes out.
- I had to wait for a phone but my sibling got it way younger than I did!
For more on screen time and social media, listen to these episodes: Screen time Issues with Snapchat Help your teens be their best self online
