This blog is long, but it's my attempt to give you the best I know in understanding how to approach this as a parent. I've broken it into sections and highlighted some messages in bold so they're easier to scan.
I'm going to start by summarising my key thinking just in case you don’t have time ti read the rest:
If you think your child is ready to have a phone - and it’s not a flip phone- then it’s time to talk to them about pornography, sexting, grooming, drugs, the addictive nature of apps, body image, and online etiquette. If you don’t think they’re ready for those conversations then they’re not ready for an internet-linked phone.
When your kid is nagging you about how everyone else has xyz it's very difficult to say no, I get it. But do you want to be the person who broke ranks first? Why not be the person who reaches out to other parents to discuss when and how they should be given one?
Nobody is saying it explicitly, but parents are having to do almost all of the heavy lifting when it comes to safety on these apps, which is why teens are now growing up in a hyper-sexualised culture.
I hate to be cynical and negative about something that can be so positive, (I really like social media when it's used in the right way) but it's absolutely critical we begin with understanding the landscape before we hand our kids devices.
I think that it's because of the hyper-regulated real world that parents are often blind to how unregulated it is online.
What about the laws? Listen to debates about putting laws in place that safeguard our kids from porn on the internet and you'll hear people arguing against it with the concept of personal privacy or 'that's the parents' job.' There's a strange kind of cognitive dissonance when we live in a built world of countless laws to keep us safe, and yet online it's still the Wild West. Even where there are regulations, such as a site's legal responsibility to remove photos that have been reported, there is very little interest in complying. This is why there are now class-action suits in America being brought by parents.
Of course, I can completely understand why people say parents should take responsibility, but even parents who really care struggle with how to do this. It's hard enough dealing with the messy rooms, their anxiety about starting a new school, and all the friendship issues, without expecting us to become experts in an industry that's moving at warp speed. Some parents respond by trying to monitor everything, forbidding all social media and apps, and removing devices at the slightest trouble. Others find it so overwhelming that they hand over the device and say 'well this is their world now, so they need to learn for themselves.'
I completely understand both extremes, but neither is safe or healthy.
Meanwhile, the people who own the apps our teens will download, or the sites they can access, seem to care far less about safeguarding than they do about money. Look no further than Facebook, which recently implemented end-to-end encryption on its platform. It means that paedophiles can share images of child abuse, using Facebook, without being detected or held to account. They have done this in spite of lobbying by police, child protection agencies and various other concerned bodies.
New Mexico investigators have filed a lawsuit against Meta and CEO Mark Zuckerberg3 for allegedly failing to protect children from sexual abuse, online solicitation and human trafficking on Facebook and Instagram. They claim that when they searched for child exploitative material on Pornhub they found 646 results, but on Facebook it was 15,900 and on Instagram 19,900.
On Twitter I've seen developers and concerned parents discussing Roblox, which looks like a child-friendly platform, and the sorts of things that our kids can end up seeing which would make your hair curl. The 'nice' independent developers tell parents to beware. This should tell you everything you need to know about the interests of these companies, and how little they care about the safeguarding of your child.
SO WHAT SHOULD WE PARENTS DO?
A recent report by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine, grapples with important questions such as: 'Is social media harming teenagers? What can parents, and the government, do about it?' 1 For the purposes of this blog, I’m most interested in the part that talks about strategies. 'Age affects how well certain strategies work. In adolescents (13 and older) overly restrictive and controlling parental rules, like confiscating a phone for punishment, are often associated with that teenager taking more risks online.’ 2
I wanted to start with this, because it backs up everything we talk about in the podcast, it's the same approach used by Natasha Devon MBE, and frames everything I’ll say in this blog.
HANDING OVER THE DEVICE:
I'll start by being very clear that I would try to hold off giving your child a device for as long as possible. I did this and my kids thank me regularly for giving them a childhood. I do, however, understand the pressure. I actually had a good friend tell my kids, when all they had was a push button phone, that they deserved an iPhone. It still annoys me today, and if I had written this blog then I would have asked her to read it and then come to me and apologise.
Tweens and younger kids need very tight restrictions on their devices, and no social media apps. Any game that connects with other players should be avoided. At the very least, I would urge a parent to sign up pretending to be your child and play, to see what they might see. I had a rule that all devices that connected to the internet had to stay in the kitchen.
You can look into the Bark phone, Pinwheel, Qustodio app, things are moving really fast so I'm not going to try and answer how to implement restrictions. There's a Facebook group called Parenting in a Tech World which can be very useful in finding out what's working best for other parents right now.
Regardless of all the above, the issues I talk about in this blog should be covered at any age where it's possible. Use articles in the paper to prompt discussion, things you've heard others say, make it little and often and non-judgemental.
At 13 and above, give them devices with filters in place, but we need to be realistic about how long they may stay there when it comes to curious teens. The filters can also make us rather complacent in thinking that we’ve done what we need.
If only it were that easy.
Personally, I think it’s more effective to have a contract. Trying to create one gives everyone involved a chance to think about the issues, consequences, and what owning a device is actually for. I like to think of it as a speedbump in the road.
I also think about owning a device as like having a car. It gets us around, we can be far more sociable, and have more fun, it’s also extremely useful. However, we don’t hand cars to people and let them get on with it. We put measures in place to keep everyone safe. They have seatbelts installed, we agree the rules of the road and have developed driving tests to give everyone the same information.
Unfortunately, there are no equivalent driving tests for devices. Anyone can have one. Some five year olds have them, criminals have them, and so does your grandma. There are also few real rules. When it comes to social media apps, the only constraint is that you have to be over 13. Actually, that’s not even true, you have to say that you’re over 13. A lot of kids lie to gain access, making them vulnerable. Criminals can lie too, so, a 46 year old man can masquerade as a 13-year-old girl, because who’s really checking?
When you explain having a device in these terms, and are really honest and open about the issues, it’s more easy for our teens to understand the need to have regular check-ins so they can grow up safely online, rather than doing dangerous things which could ultimately cause a nasty crash.
One more point. They’re also very expensive, so if your teen damages it who pays? Who owns it? Talk these things through with your teen.
KEY ISSUES:
- Time spent online and what we miss offline.
- What we use our devices for.
- Which apps we download and why there are age specifications.
- Porn.
- Sexual photos or messaging.
- Grooming.
TIME SPENT:
As we discussed in the screen time episode, Screen time it’s not how long you spend online, it’s what you’re doing there, and also what you’re missing. It’s really important to give our teens the sense that we’re not trying to stop them from exploring the world and growing. We want to help them understand that we don’t see their devices as enemies, but we do see real human connection as vital to everyone's wellbeing.
When our devices start replacing important things we should be doing, like making connections in real life, sleep, getting our work done, going out to exercise etc then we need to stop and take stock. Setting out right at the beginning with this understanding in mind will really help us manage our teens. It means we can easily refer back to our original conversation about what their device is for and how it’s impacting them.
The truth is, some kids will struggle far more with this than others, so we need to be flexible in our approach. I’ve always told my kids that my default is to give them freedom and responsibility, but it’s watchful. If I see that they’re struggling I will step in to support them. sometimes that will be to remove their device altogether, but it should never be done as a form of punishment. It should be done in a loving way with full explanation of why it’s needed.
I’m not perfect by any stretch, but here’s an example of my own approach. I recently had a conversation with both my daughters about their social media use. I’d noticed it had increased and that they weren’t fully present. This usually happens when they’re feeling tired, or using it to escape discomfort or stress.
We have been having these conversations regularly ever since they got their devices, so when I raised the issue they both listened, acknowledged it was a problem, and discussed with me the best way of tackling it. Often they will hand me the phone and spend a weekend detoxing.
This time, one decided to delete the app she was using and we agreed an exterior incentive for staying off it (entirely her choice). For the other, I explained that our connection was suffering; that she was coming across as rude and lazy because she wasn’t noticing that she should be helping out, and she was missing out on vital emotional and relationship skills. All of this really matters to her so we agreed that when we are together we will make a phone sandwich, which must remain untouched. We also changed the time she would hand in her phone at night. She mostly listens to books on it anyway.
Setting out our stall as the person who is there to help them manage their use, rather than wielding it as a punishment or our source of power, is incredibly potent in building trust so they can come and discuss any issues. If they fear being reprimanded or having their device removed they might hide even the gravest problems from us.
BEING OUR BEST SELVES ONLINE:
Owning a device is a luxury. It connects us to the world and allows us to access a universe of knowledge or all the games we want to play.
From the beginning, I instructed my kids on how other people using social media might view them. If we are going to allow them to go on any apps it’s a good idea to sign up for them, with their correct age, and then go through it with them, looking at what people are posting. What do they think of that person, given what they are seeing? What is that person trying to say? How do they come across?
Interview about being their best selves online
Turn it into a game. Help them to think about the agenda of the person posting.
I use my private Instagram account as a diary of lovely things we've done as a family. I don't care what other people think, but am also careful not to brag, in case it makes the small number of friends who see it feel uncomfortable. There are others who wield it to taunt people who can’t afford the same lifestyle. Show them some feeds and ask them what they think is the motivation behind the message.
I showed mine the social media feed of people they know in real life and asked them compare what they were seeing online with what they knew about them. I asked them whether they recognised the person they were seeing online; was it accurate? It’s a really useful way to give them perspective on how glamorous the online world looks compared with real life.
I frequently stop in a supermarket, or anywhere else I happen to be with my teens, and ask ‘How many of these people are like the people you see on social media? Do you think that’s just because of where we live, or is it real life?’ Give them a chance to pause and notice how the world they inhabit online differs from reality.
The other key issue is the way they talk with others online. I use my own social media, and messages about other people, to model acceptable behaviour. I have told them to engage with others in a way they would if that person was in the room with them. Yes, put your point across, but only use language that you can justify to an entire audience, including your parents and grandparents.
There’s huge social pressure to respond as soon as our teens open a message. Help them push back against this by doing the same yourself. Model waiting to think about what you are going to say if you feel upset, write down what you are going to say then sleep on it so that you can reread it before sending. Explain to them that once a message has been sent it is out there and almost impossible to retract. Show them examples of when adults got this wrong.
THE APPS THEY DOWNLOAD, AND AGE VERFICATION:
Firstly, it’s well known that many kids will lie about their age to download apps early. At the every least, it exposes them to illegal data gathering by companies, but it also really compromises their safety. I have a link to our grooming episode further down this blog.
It’s important you know that even if you sign your child in as a five-year-old they could still be sent deeply inappropriate material, even porn, on ANY of the media platforms.
Talk to your teen about the apps they want to download. If you want to know what they might experience, sign up with a profile like theirs ie 13 year old girl, and see what she might see.
The other, really important, issue is the addictive nature of these apps. Snapchat addiction
They are actively designed to keep us on them, because more eyeballs mean more data-gathering and money from advertisers; it’s as simple as that.
Our screen time episode talks about this. I have found that the best approach is to tell them it’s not their fault, that they are up against the finest minds in psychology who are tasked with hijacking their focus, which is why I want to help them combat it. Admit that it’s hard for you too, and that we can all help each other. They will be far more likely to turn to you for help, or listen to you when you talk about the problem.
PORN
Many parents don’t want to think, or talk, about it. They feel disgusted, and uncomfortable, or they think it’s not really an issue; kids will watch porn, it’s normal.
Whatever your approach, it’s critical to understand that what our kids are seeing isn’t ‘normal’, particularly not age-appropriate. What they are likely to see, using free porn sites, is graphic, misogynistic, and some of it very dangerous; such as choking. Putting a porn filter in place on their devices is vital so that they don’t stumble on it by accident. The difficulty is that teens are curious about sex; it’s completely healthy and normal, which is why we need to be actively engaging in discussions with them about normal, healthy sexual relations, and what they might be accessing online.
We can’t leave this to schools because many of them don’t cover porn properly, the ones that do cover it tend to be ambivalent and accepting, rather than porn-critical. What I mean by porn-critical, is not that we should be shaming our teens for wanting to look at it, we need to question what it is saying to us about sex, consent, and healthy relationships.
Interview with Culture Reframed about how to talk to teens
Without our input, our teens run the risk of trying things that cause shame or are dangerous. Do we really want our teens to be educated in what is normal by a porn industry that has no interest in emotional connection or viewers’ physical safety?
I read a recent report from a GP who said she’s getting more and more young teen girls coming to her with incontinence issues as a result of anal sex. She claims it’s not something they even wanted do, but it’s been normalised by the porn industry and ‘required’. They then suffered internal injuries but are too ashamed to talk with their parents about it.
An MP recently stood up in parliament and suggested we should be teaching young teens about how to choke safely during sex, because his 15 year old nephew died trying it. Apparently this is another fashion as a result of the porn industry, as many women will attest who have had the ‘treat’ of this surprise on a date.
Choking isn’t safe it’s more like Russian roulette. Adults who engage in it 'safely' use safe words and have a clear protocol, but even then some end up injured or dead. Suggesting that young teens should be taught how to do it is completely stepping away from our responsibilities.
SEXUAL PHOTOS AND MESSAGING:
Many teens start sexting or sending nudes well before they realise that it’s a form of child pornography and illegal. The Internet Watch Foundation warns that the number of self-generated pictures and videos of underage sexual content circulating online has risen dramatically.
If you hand your teen a means of taking a photo or video, and they have a means of sharing it, it’s vital that you first explain the issues with taking any photos of any form of sexual nature. Be absolutely definite about the rules, and the ramifications. Your teen is likely to find themself in an environment where it’s being ‘normalised’ and considered no big deal. For the record, it is a big deal, and the rise of sextortion and online grooming is something we should all be talking about.
I’ve told my kids absolutely no nudes. If they ever do feel a desperate impulse then they must ensure that there are absolutely no identifying features that could make it clear who it is, including the room in which it’s taken.
Even with these guidelines our teens can be impulsive and screw up. Be explicit that if they do, they can come to us and we will do what we can to help them.
A really good book on this topic is When you Lose it, by Roxy and Gay Longworth.
GROOMING:
Staying on that subject, the online abuse of children and teens has increased dramatically. With the advent of lockdowns it was clear where the groomers needed to go to meet their prey. They went, they succeeded, they stayed.
The latest money-spinner is sextortion, where kids are lured into sending photos then the groomer demands money or more explicit content in exchange for not sharing the photos. I’ve spoken with good parents from middle class backgrounds whose kids got targeted and fell victim. The extortion doesn’t stop if you give money; it escalates.
Make sure your teen has a clear understanding of what a groomer is, what behaviour they might exhibit, and why it’s such an issue. Keep checking in with them and thank them any time they ask you for advice or understanding.
I hope all of this has helped you to see a path through this minefield. I'd love to know what you think teenagersuntangled@gmail.com, or message me on the site.
Remember, be kind to yourself too. As parents we're bound to make mistakes. It's never too late to start those conversations and we need to support each other as much as possible in this
2: https://news.yahoo.com/report-says-restricting-social-media-031141633.html
3: https://dockets.justia.com/docket/new-mexico/nmdce/1:2023cv01115/496039
