Transcript
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Susie, hello and welcome to teenagers.
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Untangled the audio hardcop For parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters.
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Hi there. I'm Susie asley, mindfulness coach, mindful therapist and musician and mother of three teenagers.
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Two of them are twins.
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Let's go straight into it. What's your nugget today?
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Oh, my nugget is I always take something that's just happened because, yeah, my memory is not great. So yesterday, so my kids are away at the moment. They are at their dads. Well, two of them are at the desk, and we are going on a bigger family holiday a bit later in the summer, and my daughter wants to buy a whole load of outfits. Of course, she, you know, they will absolutely essential, and she must possibly go without them. And I looked at this, so she sent on text. So we text a lot when she's away. We don't ring that much. It's just, I don't know, have it, I guess.
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And I was like, well, they all look really lovely. You can really see why you want them.
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And let's cut this list down.
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And she's awful at making choices. I'd say this stuff, hey. She, she finds it really challenging to to, you know, edit stuff and and choose. She finds it really hard to choose.
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So she, she went away. She was going on a big, long bus journey over there. And so she sat and she she she edited, and she took a few off, and I sent me, and I was like, Yeah, you need and we were going anyway. Long story short, we were going back with some forwards, backs and forwards. And it got to the point where I was beginning to get a bit irritated. To be honest. It was like, come on.
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Like, you know, that's too many things. Yes, I think, I think I've been quite clear, but I hadn't, like, we sent in the nugg. I guess my nugget is that sometimes I think I'm being super clear, and I'm not. She needs, she's needs specifics.
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So, like, what like, well, like, this many this top is, yeah, this, this number of tops, this, this number of you don't need five bags. You need one bag. I'm exaggerating, but well, kind of and, you know, you we that's not appropriate for where we're going, and she doesn't get it.
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So I need to
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be really teenager, and she needs coaching with her stuff, yeah. And
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you can so quickly think that they're being, you know, spoiled or entitled or not understanding. Anyway, in the end, she said, Mum, should we call brilliant idea? And that was much easier. And we had a real laugh going through it, actually. And she was going, Well, what about that one? And, no, okay, okay. But you know, we presume so much, don't we? They need specifics. And then she was like, oh, okay, I get that.
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No, I love that. And I think we, we all fall into that. Mine's kind of, it's, it's about these girls who came and stayed with us in in on holiday, and six girls, and they don't eat anything, cars, don't it's amazing. I mean, I have to say to the fathers and mothers who are feeding sons, my heart goes out to you. It's very expensive, really expensive, and takes a lot of shopping. But the girls, I'm just like, well, I bought some breakfast. Oh no, we're not hungry. It's fine. So that was amazing. But they did eat breakfast, and it was a complete mess, like I had beautiful surfaces all cleaned that I'd cleaned total carnage, and I took a deep breath, because they all disappeared off to go and get their clothes on because we wanted to go down to a lake. And when they came down, I said, Oh, girls, we can't leave until it's all packed away and in the dishwasher and everything. So come on, let's clear it up. And it was, it worked like magic, yeah. And my daughter said to me later, you know, they're not used to doing all of that, but the way you said, it just spent they just didn't mind. Yeah, and I did that just today when I was my daughter wanted to lift to the shops, and I said, Oh, yeah, no, I I'll get we just need to unpack this dishwasher. Oh, I've just got to run upstairs.
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Dishwasher was unpacked.
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Everything put away. Oh, that's good. Top tip. So if you're just, if your kids want something, just throw in the job just before handing them, really, like, handed away and just go, oh, we can't leave until that's done. Yeah, I love it. I'm
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going to steal that really works and be specific as well. Okay, yeah, and make it simple,
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yeah.
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Brilliant, brilliant. So your review? Have you got a review there? I
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have got a review which is called incredibly helpful. Ooh, I found your discussion on reducing nagging through routines incredibly helpful. The practical tips for managing common teen challenges like bedtime, healthy eating and screen time were spot on. I appreciate the focus on adapting successful strategies from other parents looking forward to trying these in my own household. Wow. Thank you.
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That's really helpful.
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That's yeah, and that's actually, I need to do that more. I need to ask other parents, what are your tips? Because I found it incredibly helpful. Yeah, I learned a lot from other parents. Going, all the parents going, well, it's a routine. And you go, oh, oh, okay. I brilliant. Yeah, right. So I. Do that more grateful parent, you have such a wealth of inspiration and support to me with my three teenage boys.
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Whenever I felt at a loss, I just dip into one of your podcasts, and immediately I get reassured by the voice and sound and honest advice which helps me navigate this difficult journey of being a parent that's nasty.
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Thank you.
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Thank you. I'm glad we're making a difference.
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Yeah, you've got the three hungry boys, so extra kudos goes
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in phases. I think the food boy thing, like, sometimes they growing, and you're like, you've literally just eaten, and there's like, a loaf of bread disappearing.
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I had a barbecue and we had most of them were boys. So there were girls, and then boys, and I suddenly thought, Oh, dear, I, I should have doubled the bread, doubled the quantities. No, they weren't eating carbs. They were eating the meat,
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the meat. Yes,
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they all just didn't, you know,
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I had
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a big pasta salad. They were just,
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I, yeah, no, that's
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true. Boys eat some car,
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but then it just I find with mine anyway, that, you know, they'll eat me out of house at home, and then suddenly the growth spurt stops, like overnight and I've been shopping, and then suddenly I've got loads of rotten food. Can I have a warning please on these growth spurts? When are they starting? When are they stopping?
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I don't know.
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Yeah, right. So today we're going to talk about another question from a listener. This is an anonymous listener. I know you're from a blended family, so I thought you might have some advice or strategies. I have two older stepsons. The eldest flunked his A levels and left with one very low grade, and the other is about to do the same.
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So, you know, really not good grades in the mocks. My husband, their father, is a great role model. Job wise, we both earn well, but he's not really the best communicator, and communications lacking with both parents. So I can't get to the bottom of why things are going wrong. There's no drive from the boys, no deep conversations.
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Even holding part time jobs is an issue. Next step.
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Conversations don't come to anything, and I find the distance with them, not living with us is really hard. As a step Mum, I haven't seen online school reports or been to parents evenings, just suffering from that kind of distance.
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That's really challenging, but she clearly cares, which is lovely. Is it too late now? And you know, they're now, they're adults. No, nearly adults. How do I best help them focus and understand and plan for adulthood? Should we still be taking them on family holidays and theoretically? Should they be earning their own money? What about mobile phones, things like that? Right?
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What are they?
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They're 19 and 17, yeah.
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And I have got some episodes, which I put in the podcast link. So there are lots of things that address some of these things. So we won't talk about absolutely everything, but I can point you towards them. So have a look through there to see if there are any that really answer the bit that matters to you. I feel like it's a huge ship to turn.
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I'm not in the driving seat.
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Help? Am I part of the problem?
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Oh golly, what a minefield. And she sounds like she's just really cares. It's coming from a really beautiful place. And as
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a step parent myself, I totally understand how uncomfortable she feels about this, because you're not. We did a piece on step parenting, so please listen to that. And the whole thing is, it's not, it's not your job to do the disciplining. It's not your job in a lot of these boundaries and things can't really be done by you. But it's really hard because you can't help loving these kids and really wanting the best for them. And and it's, it's it feels gut wrenching, and
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her hands are really tied, because it's really depends, obviously, on the family and the children and her partner and all of the communication, how they normally communicate, but it can be so easily misinterpreted. People can take such offense. It's like walking on ice, isn't it?
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Yes, and that's when in my response to her, I did actually say one of the things that I think happens is, when you've got two separate parents like that, it can be difficult communicating. If the two people aren't very good at communicating with each other, which is very often the case, it's very easy for one to be thinking the other person might be doing this, because they need clear and consistent boundaries and expectations. So the one parent might be doing this, and the other parent's doing this, and they're both thinking the other person's doing something, and they don't know. And if you're not actually having meetings or chatting about how things are going or what what you're trying to achieve, then it's it can just be very confusing, like, what are we doing here and and I do think that we assume that our kids know we love them and that we care about them, and that we care about the outcome of things they're doing, not necessarily the grades, but that we just care about how they're getting on. But sometimes we're not very good at explaining that and showing that in a way that comes across as this genuinely matters to me, rather than you have to do this, yeah, because I need the to feel good about being a parent, right? It's subtle, but it's actually really hard to get right. And I do think it's incredibly difficult, difficult when you've got to neither parent wants to piss the children off. No,
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no, potentially, yeah,
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we don't know the situation, do we? But I think often that you know, when you look at families in those situations, it could be very hard because neither of the parents, if you thinking, Oh, well, there's, you know, we don't want them just not wanting to come and see me. Very, very, this very often plays into that dynamic where you just want to be the hard parent. I don't want to be
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there. And there's also, I mean, it's what struck me, she sounds like she's amazing, and she's a beautiful stepmom and really cares and has her own kids as well. Yeah, she
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doesn't have to be that kind of stepmom, no. So, you know,
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I mean, that's, that's really valuable for those, those lucky boys to have that kind of stepmom. And also, you know, there's, maybe they have different agendas, you know, maybe her way of parenting is, is different, you know, it's, I've no idea, but it just struck me, you know, maybe, maybe it's not such a big problem for the others, you know, obviously, obviously, you mean for the boys, for the boys, for the for the parents, for both, you know, for all involved that, obviously nobody goes into an A level course wanting to flunk it. Obviously that. But maybe they have, you know, maybe they have other things lined up, or maybe they have other ways of being. We don't know, we don't get any of that information, but you know, we have different ways of being, you know, measuring success, don't we? You know, what's the agenda behind and and perhaps, you know, she has different goals and ways of thinking that children should be in the world or they're not children anymore. But you know, I mean, and that's worth taking into account as well. What's What's her need in it? What's her, where does, why is it? I mean, there are obvious things.
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Obviously she wants these boys to not fail, because that feels horrid, and what are they going to do instead, kind of thing.
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But what's her need in it would be worth looking at.
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I love that.
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And I think as I think she's got children of her own, hasn't she?
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So she's going to be looking at them thinking, Oh, well, they're setting a precedent. And she's trying to organize a life that she wants, which is going to play into it, and she doesn't say how the husband feels. We don't know. No,
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maybe he's maybe his values are different, and there's no right or wrong in it.
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And maybe they're looking at other ways of, you know, being a success in their life, whatever that even means. Yeah. And of course, there's, you know, real, real issues in it as well, but it's worth just having a look at why. Why is this so important to her? Like, apart from the obvious, I
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think always, always sit and say, why does this matter to me as much as it does? So you love that point. I want to pause for a second and actually kind of just focus in on the fact that these are boys.
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And the reason I want to do that is because I've been reading so much about boys. I don't have boys and but I'm very genuinely concerned about shifts in society in the West, and about how boys feel about themselves in the world, and how they become young adults, because I've talked to lots of young men who really get stuck and struggle when they leave school without the structure around them. It's very, very difficult.
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And I've had people come back after I did the failure to launch episode with Ken Rabo saying, we need more on this. So there are two books that I'd like to sort of zone in on but the first one I'll start with is called Boise drift by Dr Leonard Sachs. Now he's written other books, but this one, it's really interesting, because here's the subheading, why America's sons are underachieving, and what we can do about it. This book came from a presentation he gave to parents, and these parents raise concerns about the development of their sons, and the problems range from lack of motivation to acting out of school and home.
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And so he did the research, yeah, after these talks, and he came up with five factors he thinks are behind. Now, you could say, what's the what? What is this real? But he talks about a growing epidemic of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men. There are statistics behind this, which are in the other book that I will talk about. So one of the points he makes is education has changed. Students are expected to enter into rigorous study at a younger age. And he both he and the other guy, Richard Reeves, who wrote of boys and men, who works for a think tank in America that's trying to help boys. They both talk about the concept that we're putting boys into school too early, and they talk about red shirting, which is holding them back, giving them more time, trying to sit a boy down and force him. Yeah, right. So you relate to this?
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Wholeheartedly agree with that.
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Yes. I. And that they they're not getting the time to do the other things they need to do before they sit they're not developed enough. And so by the time they get to, I don't know, adolescents, they're like, I am so done. I'm
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done with school.
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Yes. I've been told from the age of four, when I couldn't sit still, that there's something wrong with Yes, yes.
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So this is a key. This is a key thing they both talk about. Yeah, right, video games. So this is Dr Leonard Sachs. He says he identifies first person shooter and violent video games as specific problems, and in these environments, he says boys can control their world and experience dominance that they just can't get in real in the real world, and it leads to a detachment from reality and a desire to just go back in and escape into that fantasy. And we've spoken to a lot of parents who said, I can't get my boys off the video games. And they seem to be spending huge amounts of times like they'll go into the holiday period and then they're in their rooms playing video games. And why wouldn't they? Yeah, and it's really interesting, because there was research done, and I don't have it all with me, but Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was Governor of California at the time, looked at reports about issues with these shoot 'em up games, which are unbelievably violent and bloody, and you get rewarded for the catastrophic things you do to human other human beings.
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And he decided that they should place restrictions on access for boys. So in other words, the parents would have to go in and buy these, these, these games.
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And he was beaten by the gaming industry who evoked the First Amendment. Wonderful, right? So there's that. Then Leonard Sachs talks about ADHD medication. He says there's a growing number of students who have been prescribed stimulant drugs. This is in America. This is not, I'm not talking about ADHD.
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Generally. I don't know anything. I'm not going to, you know, Project anything onto this. And he says they may not actually have the disorder. And he says there's a correlation between the dependence on stimulant medications and a lack of motivation and drive. I have no comment on that. I don't know. Environmental toxins. He talks about that. He says there are chemicals in plastic that are polluting drinking water and changing sex development in babies in utero. Role models, very interesting, like, I think this should be higher up, but anyway, there's a disconnect between males and their sons.
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And in cultures that have endured for hundreds of years, there's a distinct process where older males train young men how to be men, yes, and how to treat a woman, how to behave, how to provide and so on. And he says the rituals are passing on the torch. They're just there's just no process, no.
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And I think that's really interesting. Yeah, it's really interesting. I mean, there are lots of cultures, aren't they? I mean, tribal ones, where they, you know, they, they send the boys off. I can't remember the age, and it's, I think it's different in different places where they send them off into the survival skills, with the men away from their mothers, you know, they cut the umbilical cord, off, they go and they come back. And when they come back, they are men.
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Susie, when I was on my honeymoon in Malaysia, we did a trip into the jungle, and we were escorted into this camp. What they do to prove their manliness is they have to kill three monkeys with a blow dart. Oh, God, and then they can provide for their wife. So then they can take a wife. So they do this about the age of 13. Okay, guess who decided he'd try have a go with the blow dart and my husband, and then we spent the rest of the honeymoon with him in hot sweats, being very sick.
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Anyway. So coming back to this, my husband tried to so funny, I could feed my wife if I wasn't so sick. Anyway. So now on to the think tank Research Fellow Richard Reeves, who wrote of boys and men, he points out that girls are outperforming boys in most academic disciplines and rapidly closing the gap in those in which boys lead, not just in schools, in universities across the Western world and in the US, 57% of bachelor degrees are now awarded to women. Interesting, the problem with men is typically framed as a problem of men. Wrights, Reeves, it is men who must be fixed, one man or boy at a time. And he says this individualist approach is wrong.
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Instead, he maintains as a structural problems, societal issues. We need to be looking at men generally, not just, you know, looking at your son going, Oh, what's wrong with you, right? So he is. He's trying to focus the spotlight on these structural so his thing is red shirting. He's also talking registering as in, yeah, holding the boys back. He he's advocating for giving boys a longer, longer run up to education.
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They could all benefit from that, in my humble opinion, but especially
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boys, yes.
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Well, yes, of course, that's your and one of the other points he makes is that we need more emphasis on career and technical education, which they ripped out of the. Learn the English educational system. A couple few decades ago, we used to have polytechnics, and then it returned into universities, sort of rebranded, but we didn't need a rebranding, because, actually, we need those things, and we need those jobs, and we need to to say that they're important, yes, because, because boys aren't going to want to do stuff that doesn't feel important. And the other thing that's very big is a lack of male teachers, yeah, especially in the younger grades. Here's a question for you, how many teachers do you think I looked at? So okay, I was really interested in this, and thought, is it just America?
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Maybe it's just America. So I looked at the English statistics, so I looked at the Department for Education, and it said, how many teachers there are in the UK? How many do you think? Do you think there are?
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How many teachers?
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Oh, goodness, okay,
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half a minute, just under half a million. Okay, okay. What percentage do you think are female? This is in 2023 June. 2023 primary or secondary or both? Very good question. Yeah. Susie, go to the top of the class overall, 83%
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are female in primary or just overall, overall
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at secondary school teachers that so I moved I thought, come on, let's have a look at the secondary teachers.
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It's around 63% Gosh. And the reason this matters is because boys are going into a school environment and predominantly being taught to by women. So you're not getting that sense that this is important to men.
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No, and we can't escape the fact that they are boys, and they need role models, and they need to be able to look to to something go. I want to be that.
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Right? It's really important.
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It's so important. I remember that. I remember that time because I obviously, I was parenting on my own, and I was very aware I had a a boy who was six, seven and a younger one, but it wasn't as relevant to him at that point. And I was looking around like and he didn't want to go he refused to go to cubs, or you went to football, which was male, you know, male coaches. It's like, right?
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Great. When they need, they need male role models. They
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really do. They really do. And it's, it can be very challenging. And, you know, let's say you've got their father, he's not around much, because he's at work all the time. That's a good role model.
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But is it because there's no connection there? You know, they need that connection. They need to sort of be able to look in on the world and say, Oh, this is how I am as a man. Has how I become a man. It doesn't
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have to be like quantity necessarily, like the quality of connection, like connecting, you know, even if it's just on the Saturday or something, yeah, it's there's looking and saying, oh, oh, it's not. I'm not just surrounded by nurturing women. Yeah,
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absolutely, absolutely. And it's not to be fair, it's actually, there aren't. It's not, if you've got a partner who is not very present and connected, it's not that he's broken is quite common. And actually we're just, yes, it's men are becoming much better at doing this kind of connection and communication.
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But it's, it's a, it's a steady, slow trickle, rather than a garbage
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I think it's hard.
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Maybe it's, maybe it's more, it's more complicated in home life, obviously, but yeah, I think in school, it's really, it's really, really relevant, isn't it? Because it's a sort of hierarchical, isn't it? And if only you're only getting women surrounding you. It's, it's not, it's not. Some, some kids are fine with that, but some, some suffer with it. Yeah, and
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you can't get men to go into workplace if it doesn't look appealing, you know, you can't force men to go and do these jobs. So there are some amazing males, amazing male teachers, amazing, yes, and it's really, I've met quite a few, yeah. And our government has actually woken up to this issue in april 2024, so just now, MPs have announced that they'll investigate why boys lag behind girls at all ages of education.
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So it's genuinely a thing. So if you're a parent at home in despair, you're not alone. No, this is actually a thing ensuring, isn't it? I That's why I wanted to go into this, because I don't, I think it's really important, because we parents sit in our own bubbles going, what's wrong with my child, and we really need to understand there are people out there, right who would do in think tanks really concerned about this and trying to do something about it. So don't feel alone.
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No. I mean, just based on my own eyes, it seems to me that some boys seem to find it quite hard to take responsibility. And I don't know how that's connected, like they know, they know, they get the same information, but I don't know somehow it glides off them that, you know, the working hard ethic, or the some of them do like it, and it depends on their friendship group. And I'm just spouting from my hip. No, no, it does, actually, yes. You know, this kind of idea that it's, you know, maybe it's someone else's fault that they haven't done well. Well,
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also, in that book that I read by Dr Leonard saxoph, I remember rightly, he was talking about the culture, and he said, what's happened is, we've created this culture online, of not really working.
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King. He said, We have never had a successful culture where boys are made to feel like it's okay to stay in your mum's basement till you're 25 and playing video games. And he said, but that's actually happening. And they're like, No, I'm fine with that. I don't need and he said, I'm talking to more and more young men who go, No, I don't Yeah, I'm fine. I don't really want that job. I'm not interested.
00:25:21.140 --> 00:25:23.119
Yeah, so that's never been a thing that's
00:25:23.119 --> 00:25:33.079
really true, but I see and again, based purely on my own personal experience, which could be absolutely wrong or or not representative at all.
00:25:29.059 --> 00:25:45.519
But girls seem to take, like, too much responsibility for when stuff happens to them, like, oh, it's all interesting. And the boys, it's their fault. It's nothing to do with me? I don't know. I don't know if there's anything to base that on, but write in,
00:25:46.599 --> 00:25:49.359
what is your experience? We would love to know. Yeah, it's
00:25:49.539 --> 00:25:55.960
not my fault. It's the system. It's the school. The exam was hard. They you know, no, it's probably because
00:25:56.019 --> 00:26:27.259
you didn't actually do it. No, come on. So coming back to this lovely step Mum, I personally, I would I look at this, and I think there could well be some rabbit in the headlights of both parents, where they might may sense that there's something going a little bit wrong, or they may not. They may be happy with what things are, but they don't really know how to do anything about it, and hopefully hoping that somebody else will do something about it.
00:26:23.420 --> 00:27:16.740
Maybe, maybe not. Maybe they maybe this woman's worrying unduly, as you said, it could be that they're all I think maybe people need to communicate, yeah, and actually say, how, how do you really see this? And also with the boys, I wonder whether those boys, whether they really know that people care that much about what they do. And I'm going to say that because I know I've made that mistake with my daughter where I wasn't explicit enough with her about what my expectations were, and that I genuinely cared, and I cared because I believe in her, because I think she's worth more. Yeah, and I realized that with some kids, they absorb things really quickly and easily, and they're like, Yeah, of course you care. And you're you're there all the time.
00:27:16.740 --> 00:27:22.640
You're always helping me support fast, scaffolding, things having and then other kids, they just don't pick up on that at all.
00:27:22.640 --> 00:27:31.700
And it needs to be very explicit. And you saying, just so you know, I really care.
00:27:26.119 --> 00:27:45.339
Yeah, I really can see that you are worth so much. You have so much to give, but we're not seeing it. What can I do to support you? And do you? Are you seeing that? How do you feel.
00:27:38.900 --> 00:28:23.779
Because I also think that that getting one of the things she can do is like, whether you first of all, she needs to touch base with the other people in the family, like the parents in the family, and she can't, she could. So we talked about this in the step parent episode. She has a very special role that she could play, yes, but she's a woman, so it's slightly different. But she could be the coach, so she can be the person who's on the sidelines going, You know what, boys, I think you're amazing. I think you've got so much to give. And I'm just wondering how you feel about your situation at the moment. Let's not dwell on what you've where you're at right now, but let's look forward.
00:28:23.900 --> 00:28:27.019
What do you see your life being?
00:28:23.900 --> 00:28:42.519
What's holding you back from getting a job? What's holding you back from, you know? What are you interested in? And then actually keep it going down into what? So, what's stopping you, what's stopping you, what's stopping you, and letting them talk in a way that's non judgmental, yeah, because I can, they're probably stuck,
00:28:42.579 --> 00:29:10.079
yeah, and, and she has to Yeah, it Yeah. There are many ways she can do all of that. I think that's really beautiful suggestion, if, if that is appropriate, and if it, if it feels comfortable for the family. We don't really know too much detail, do we, but yeah, I mean, I'm sure she could, she could play a really important role of just letting them know that she's, you know, she really loves them, and maybe she's already done that. We don't know that. She sounds like she's very loving, but I
00:29:10.079 --> 00:29:32.599
think it's, I think there's a difference between because that's the mistake I make, because I'm always I show my daughter's my daughter's hugs galore, lots of love. But I think it's this leaning in and saying, I am not here to judge you at all. I'm here to help you figure out what you want. And let's go piece by piece through this. This does not happen overnight. This takes quite a bit of time. It
00:29:32.599 --> 00:29:47.740
does, and we can do it. And when she can do it with with the with the parents, as well as touching base first, as a way of like in this, I kind of called it holding up a mirror in a really gentle, non judgmental way, like I'm seeing this, What?
00:29:47.740 --> 00:30:00.839
What? What I'm seeing that they're, you know, doing this and this and this, and I'm a bit worried about them. What are you, you know, what do you think exactly, exactly? And then you can do the same to them. I'm, I'm just seeing this and, you know, correct me if I'm wrong.
00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:19.380
Like, making. Really like I'm just just doing around noticing, is there anything you need help with? Do you want? How do you feel about it? First and foremost, you know, is it a problem for you? And how? Again, how can we help you in it? But this is what I'm seeing, because there are some facts aren't there that you can't really run away from. Yeah,
00:30:19.559 --> 00:30:30.140
and I think Ken Rabo was talking about this, and talking about how structure, being a getting support in structuring things, and saying, Okay, you what you do is you just peel away the bits and pieces. So what's going on here?
00:30:30.140 --> 00:30:46.480
What's going on here, what's going without any judgment, how can we so what you need? You need sleep. You need adequate sleep. You need exercise. You need to eat reasonably well, and you need to have have a goal.
00:30:41.079 --> 00:30:46.480
Have we? We grow from our why?
00:30:46.480 --> 00:31:06.539
Yeah, so they need a why, and helping them try and find that could be the kindest thing she's ever done. And I've spoken to boys, men who are late 20s, who said I found that so hard when I was at that age because I didn't get enough scaffolding, and I didn't get I just didn't and I didn't know how to ask, because you don't do that if you're a man,
00:31:06.599 --> 00:31:24.259
no, that's really good point. That's a really good point. And I like your point as well as it's, it's not an overnight fix, is it? Oh my goodness. So she could almost kind of offer it like, this, is this as the mirror? This is what I'm seeing. What do you think about it? And if they go, I'm fine. I don't need any help. Oh, okay, I hear that you're fine.
00:31:24.259 --> 00:31:41.980
You think you're fine. Okay. I'm just a little bit concerned. So, just so you know, if you change your mind, I'm here, and it could well be they go away and they go, Oh, I really need I really need that. But they need to collect themselves. They need to think about it. And then, you know, maybe a few weeks or even months later, they go, do you know what? I do need a bit of help. It's
00:31:42.099 --> 00:32:10.140
but I but I also do think you can't be like I said, when my bonus daughter graduated, she sort of sat around in her bikini, relaxing in the sunshine, getting a bit of you know. And that was great, yeah. But then I said to her, so right now, what? Yeah. And she was going, Oh, I just want to relax. And I said, Yeah, but while you're relaxing, can you be thinking about and I think we can't just let them slide. We have to say, so you do, you are going to have to find a way to make a living in a world I'm so you need to
00:32:10.140 --> 00:32:12.960
think about that.
00:32:10.140 --> 00:32:18.960
Yes, absolutely, much harder for her to do so she can really only offer it. Yes, no, absolutely, only jump on. But as parents, we can absolutely,
00:32:18.960 --> 00:32:30.740
but so they may want to have a family meeting about it, or, you know, like we know, these boys need to find a way through life. So, you know, does it need to be CVS? Do I need to take whatever, and even
00:32:30.740 --> 00:32:53.079
if it's just, it feels to me like she she needs some reassurance, and it's absolutely worrying, and that must be really difficult. And she's got her own kids. I mean, they are her own kids. But, you know, I mean her own, her own daughters, she's she's really worrying, and that's a horrid space for her to be in. She needs some reassurance. She needs reassurance to be able to Mother, you know, and be, be okay in the world.
00:32:53.200 --> 00:33:22.759
And in terms of holidays, phones, things like that, you don't have to take them on holiday. I want them to slowly start to launch themselves. So when my daughter went away with her friend and she said, Oh, you know, can you help out? I said, I'll reimburse the mother some, you know, for her the accommodation, because they'd taken the villa. And I said, yeah, absolutely okay, but you're paying for everything else, so get a job, because it's this kind of I said, I'm not paying for you to go and have holidays with other people. And if we go on holiday, I would love you to be with me. I
00:33:22.759 --> 00:33:32.539
think you can do that differently. I love I love that. Like this summer, for example, I'm taking my my elder boy, on a lovely holiday.
00:33:29.599 --> 00:33:36.799
There's no way he could go on that. And then he wants to go away with his mates, and he's got to find the money for that.
00:33:35.059 --> 00:33:36.799
I'm not paying
00:33:36.799 --> 00:33:44.200
for that exactly. So you're paying to be with them, which is right now, she's just like, I love being with you. You're special to us.
00:33:41.200 --> 00:33:44.200
And holidays like the
00:33:44.200 --> 00:33:49.240
best connecting time. So if you take that away, that no slippery slope, in my opinion, yeah, I
00:33:49.240 --> 00:33:51.339
agree. I agree.
00:33:49.240 --> 00:33:55.720
And it's, it's it as long as you know, when they come on holiday, they want to be there, yeah, they don't want to be there, though, that's really terrible.
00:33:56.920 --> 00:33:57.880
Can you make them going?
00:33:59.559 --> 00:34:10.860
And the other thing was, you know, this sort of, you know, their phones, incidentally, at 18, they can take out their own phone contract, and that helps them build up a credit rating. Yeah.
00:34:07.799 --> 00:34:29.059
So it's worth looking at, you know, restructuring all of this, and saying to them, by the way, you do actually have to pay it, and you can help them. I mean, you can have an allowance with them, but it's about getting them to to we've got to slowly shift them into understanding that you're not doing everything. They have certain skills that they need, and one of them is paying their own way in the world,
00:34:29.059 --> 00:34:36.139
teaching them those skills, which you're really so you're not just going from one day to the next. Or, by the way, I'm buying a mobile anymore like that would be awful. You
00:34:36.318 --> 00:35:05.278
go through phone contracts together. You say, What do you think is mostly what matters to you? How much can you pay? Yeah, much is realistic? Yes, yeah. And actually doing all of those things slowly inches them towards understanding how the world works. And so you don't even have to be you don't even have to focus at the start on, you know, then getting a job, you can focus on the other things that make up a life, like shopping for food. This is what it costs to go shopping. For food. This is what it costs, you know, get them involved in all of that so they can see incentive to go, yeah,
00:35:06.599 --> 00:35:18.179
exactly. But it is really, I mean, she sounds lovely, and it is a very, it is a very difficult space to be in as a step parent, because your hands are quite tired, aren't they, especially if the communication isn't open, yeah.
00:35:18.539 --> 00:35:33.619
But maybe she can be the change in that fact, and I think that's what she's itching to do, be the seed, but in it, she has to do it. And obviously, and I'm sure she's aware of it, just like in a gentle, non love confrontation, non judgmental way, like, I need reassurance here. Can someone help me? Kind of thing? Yeah.
00:35:33.858 --> 00:35:52.358
So there are a few episodes I'll put in the link, dealing with a blended family. So, you know, step parents, yeah, failure to launch the ken Rabo thing about kids who are struggling money at my system that I had with my daughters, setting expectations, setting high expectations, because that's still relevant.
00:35:49.478 --> 00:35:55.898
Hours of listening, yeah, and then charging rent, which was really interesting. I learned a lot from
00:35:55.960 --> 00:36:08.039
that, yeah. You know, whenever I hear because I have a literal brain, which drives my partner in saying and my kids. I the word blended family is, like, we're all in Blender. Every time I hear the word, I see us all spinning around.
00:36:08.518 --> 00:36:30.199
That's really funny. I think that with, you know, the name Claudia, I just think, oh, clouds. I think, yeah, yeah. I always think it's good, like, it's Claudia, yeah, Claudia's arrived. I'm like, Oh, she's light. Oh, yeah. Anyway, I hope this helps. I hope we've secured something for you. What do you think of the episode?
00:36:27.798 --> 00:36:31.518
Tell us, yeah, did we get it wrong? Did we get it right? We'd
00:36:31.519 --> 00:36:39.739
love, I'd love to hear about about the boys, though, because it is super interesting, and it's like it almost feels like it's something that is really changing at the moment. And it would be really nice.
00:36:39.798 --> 00:37:00.039
And you're really helping us, yeah, you're helping all of us, listeners, because we're all navigating this stuff. Like I said, we are not alone. There are all these other parents struggling with the same things, and you bringing this up has really helped us unpack it, yeah, and then maybe we've touched some things that other people can help.
00:37:00.099 --> 00:37:06.059
And the voicing is tough. I mean, I have hands on hands up there. It's tough.
00:37:03.179 --> 00:37:06.059
Yeah, you
00:37:06.059 --> 00:37:25.699
can message me using teenagers untangled@gmail.com leave a review on your podcast platform, or on the podcast website, which is www teenagersuntangled com, or message us on social media, on the on that platform, that's where the search engine is. So you just put in a keyword. Find out whether we've talked about it, if we hadn't let us know.
00:37:25.760 --> 00:37:27.980
Yeah, Susie, you can be reached.
00:37:28.460 --> 00:37:32.900
My website is www amindful life, co uk.co.uk,
00:37:34.340 --> 00:37:47.320
and you know, she's also on Instagram. She's on LinkedIn, yeah. And main on LinkedIn. At the moment, I kind of flit about a bit, yeah. And I had a message on Instagram from a woman saying, Oh, wait, I heard something about you having a Facebook group. Can I join it?
00:37:44.559 --> 00:37:57.039
What is it? And I'm like, I am so bad at that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, guys, I'm so bad at the Facebook thing. I find it really clunky. I you know, I'm sure there are other people who do amazing groups. I'm not one of them. I
00:37:57.039 --> 00:37:59.320
always think it's good to focus on one. And yeah, I
00:37:59.559 --> 00:38:07.559
think so. Yes, I'm really apologizing, but we're just a group this way, right? Yeah. Anyway, have a great week. Bye, Bye for now, bye, bye. Finna, you?
