July 23, 2024
101: Shyness: How to support a teen who lacks self-belief and confidence.
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We'd all love our kids to have self-belief, and the confidence to make friends easily. The problem is that it's not something we can simply give to them.
Seeing our teen struggle in social settings, or suffer with crippling shyness, can be really challenging for us; particularly if it's a feeling we experienced as a teen and seeing our kid go through it brings our own discomfort flooding back.
Today's episode is designed to help our listener whose daughter's shyness is sometimes misconstrued as rudeness. We discuss our own experience of shyness, how it can be misunsderstood by others, and ways in which we can help our teens develop more self-belief.
RESOURCES USED:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/shyness#:~:text=Shyness%20emerges%20from%20a%20few,fear%20of%20judgment%20and%20rejection.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/social-anxiety-disorder-more-than-just-shyness#:~:text=Social%20anxiety%20disorder%20usually%20starts,in%20adolescents%20and%20young%20adults.
http://socialanxietyshortcuts.com/why-shyness-is-mistaken-for-arrogance-and-what-to-do-about-it/
- To check out the experiences JENZA offers, visit: www.jenza.com
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Thank you so much for your support.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
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Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk
Chapters
00:54 - Susie's five days without talking
03:30 - My five days with six sixteen year olds
07:59 - Nuggets: Fears
08:15 - Nugget: Executive skills practice
09:47 - Reviews
10:57 - Listener email about shyness
15:12 - Negative bias
20:56 - The ways shyness can be misinterpreted
25:52 - Visualising positive feedback
26:32 - The difference between introversion and shyness
26:49 - Tips for overcoming shyness
31:10 - Social anxiety
33:45 - ACT technique
Transcript
WEBVTT
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Music. Hello and welcome to teenagers.
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Untangled, the audio hub for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Hi
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there. I'm Susie asley, mindfulness coach, therapist and musician and mother of three teenagers. Two of them are twins. Welcome back, Susie, thank you. Did you have a lovely holiday? Yes, I did.
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Thank you. You spent five days quiet like saying nothing. Did you actually say nothing for five days
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said nothing, so I went on a just for some clarity, I went on as a mindfulness teacher, to keep your accreditation, you have to do five days of silent or five days of retreat. I think it is right.
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I don't know if it has to be silent, but and you don't have to do it in a five day stint. I haven't done that for a couple of years because of logistics.
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It's hard to define that. But this year, I did five days of Silent Retreat, which is in a mindfulness place, very quiet, beautiful place and silence, and you're meditating. So it's kind of the days are structured.
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You're sitting meditating, and then you're walking and you're eating, and it's all in silence, which is very like I've been in silence on my own lots of times when the kids are away, but being in silence with others, and meditating is very different. And basically you are then hearing all the rubbish that's in your head. Wow.
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So it sounds like, oh, use
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my mind, yeah.
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Like, some
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people go, Oh, that sounds really lovely and relaxing, which it also is. And some people go that absolutely terrifies the pants off me. I'm never doing that in my life. I don't think
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it terrifies me. It just sounds awful, like just sounds like five days I'd never get back. And I don't want my I know what I think I don't want, but do you kind of, I just talk to myself all the time, yeah?
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But it's kind of, the idea is to get behind the thoughts, because the thoughts are created by our mind, yeah, and most of them are rubbish, like absolutely rubbish. And we have patterns that we tell ourselves, and we loop round and round and round and round, and we don't know that we're doing that, and then we react to those thoughts which are rubbish. And that's how we love our lives.
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That's how we are kind of always, like puppets being guided by these thoughts that aren't true, and we are reactive to them. So if we can get quiet and listen and hear what's behind those thoughts, who's doing the listening to those thoughts, because they're not us, and then sometimes what reveals itself is not very fun, sometimes it's lovely, but to know what's behind is incredible information, because then we can choose. So
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if any of you want to do, I sold it, go ahead.
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Please write to us afterwards and tell us how you found it.
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Yeah, anyway, I've come back from that. Hi, well, well, it's very nice to have you back.
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Thank you very much for coming back to us. I just said I we went away to I had five girls, no, six girls, 616, year olds out in Chamonix, wow. And I said to the people on social media, any questions, I'll ask them.
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They loved it. They loved answering people's questions, because it was kind of a group of non anonymity, yeah. And if anybody I have not written, I've been too busy, haven't written these things up. But if anybody wants those tips, I did put them on social media. I think I put some of them on my website, so if you want to see what they were saying, yeah. One was about screen time. And you know this idea, no, not screen time. It was about taking away social media for young teenagers. And the other one was about tips for friendships, which I thought they came up with some fantastic ideas. So great. And actually, my husband and I did an amazing hike in the Alps, which was really tough. I mean, it's not that, it's just if a lot of people it's tough, right? But I loved it, and it's the second time I've done it. And you know, the amount of vertical you're doing is quite a lot for one morning, stroke afternoon. And at the end of it, my husband said, looked on his driver, and he said, Hey, look, I'm the I was the fourth fastest man on that hike this year. And I said, that's amazing. And then he said, You, you're probably the fastest woman this year. And I said, Oh, okay, so every time we see people and he talks about, should I say, did you tell them that I was you were hiking with the fastest woman this year? The reason I bring this up is that my poor daughter, one of my poor daughters, she's just not competitive. She doesn't like competitive sports. She doesn't like that sort of push, push, push. And she just turned to us and said, Look, just, I mean, just, that's why I don't want to hike with you, because you're too fast and competitive and and just know. And I just said, she's right, but she's right, yeah. And so what I did was I took a special day where we took a picnic up, yeah, and did a much easier hike. It wasn't super easy, but we did a much easier one. And. And she absolutely loved it, because it wasn't about being fast. It wasn't about competition with anybody you know. So I think that's one of the things I took from it, was this, this, we sort of just got to understand that we don't all operate the same way that you might be on a very well and an extreme of something and not even realize it. I don't realize it until I start looking at I don't look at those. He looks at these numbers. I don't care. I'm not interested. But he does. And then that ramps up the pressure. Yeah? So it's nice to stop and go. Actually, that was a really stupid you know, this is not the way to operate.
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And if he finds that fun and lovely, then, you know, yes, go for it. But we don't all have to do that. Yeah? Love it.
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We can just walk because we want to walk Correct. Sounds like my kind of walking
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so Susie, what's your nugget?
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Well, I have two possible nuggets. I think that I'm based on my little explanation of my retreat just now. I think I'll do the second of them, which is while I was on retreat. You know, stuff comes up in your head and you're, you know, the idea is you go back to the breath each time. You don't follow the thoughts. But I obviously did follow thoughts, and that can be really helpful as well. So this idea of fear, so I think a lot of a lot of parenting is based on fear, to be honest. And we fear things, don't we? For our kids, which is completely natural and completely normal. And I just think it's really helpful, if we can, to really unpack what are we frightened of, rather than just being, rather than just it being, the thing that we are either being guided by or trying to push away and avoid feeling fear, because it feels horrible, doesn't it? So I was very fortunate that I could, well, I think it was fortunate I could sit with the fear when it wasn't very pleasant, but to really kind of and What? What? What if I can follow it to the end, what am I actually frightened? I love that. It's really helpful, and it's really helped me reframe how I see some things. And when those feelings of fear come up, which they will, and they will probably always, I can then go, oh, there's fear again. What?
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Remember? What that's about?
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It's, you know. Is it? Because I don't think my kids, you know, maybe capable. You know, are they resilient? Are they or is it my own fears of stuff? You know, unpacking it is super helpful, if you can, but pushing it away and avoiding it certainly isn't always the most helpful
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approach. Yeah, so just sitting with it and just noticing, noticing when
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the fear comes up, and trying to unpack what? What is it? What is it? I'm actually frightened of not. It's probably not even the situation. It's probably something bigger.
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Yeah, absolutely. And we've been making some progress over the holidays on executor skills. And I think one of the things that's really helped is my daughter doesn't feel like I'm judging her. And I think this is so important that I think once she understood that it's just a skill and it's something we have to practice, and that you're not going to get it instantly, and that you just need to set yourself goals. And one of the things I said to my daughter is, please be kinder to yourself you're setting goals that are too hard for what you're trying to achieve. So let's go back a bit and go for something a bit smaller. So then you feel good about things, and then you're more inclined to have another go the next day. And it's inching forward bit by bit, but she's actually engaging in trying to set her own schedules, setting her own alarms for things she wants. She feels really in control. And I think this is a really useful thing to do in this then I think this is a really useful thing to do in the holiday. Hand them back the control over their schedule, but with scaffolding, with support.
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So saying, so how are you scheduling your day? How are you fitting in the things you really want to do? Because they need this. They need this chance to structure their own time, because when they're at school, everything's structured for them, and it's really healthy so that later on in life, when they are left without the school schedule, and you know, they have had some experience of structuring their life for themselves. Yes, it's not all or nothing, yeah. So I found it really, really helpful, brilliant, amazing. We've had some reviews. What have you got?
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I have a lovely review here from somebody it's called excellent discussion understanding executive function deficits has been eye opening.
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It's not about laziness, it's about skill development. This podcast episode highlights how we can identify and support teens struggling with these challenges, excited to explore how targeted training can empower them to overcome obstacles and achieve their goals effectively. Thank you.
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That's really lovely. That's
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a gentleman from YouTube. Yes, it is, and he's brilliant. He actually listens to the episodes and then does a little summary of your time, which is amazing. Thank you. Thank you. And this one, I don't actually have put the name on it, but I just didn't want to stop listening. To You. Hello there, lovely sounding ladies. I stumbled on your podcast just last weekend down at the bottom of New Zealand while out walking, connection was the key word that stuck out to me as obvious as anything like a light bulb moment. Listening to you both has got me back on track, in tune with what I normally do.
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Naturally find my kind heart stop overthinking and worrying and to capture these years with love and joy too. Oh, that's that lovely summer. That's what we want to be able to encourage.
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Yeah, nice. So Sarah has also reached out to us on Instagram.
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Hello there. I'm very glad to have recently found your podcast that I'm finding really reassuring and useful. Wanted to suggest an episode on self belief and confidence for early teens. What a great, great idea I would find a discussion on this very useful. As I have an almost 13 year old daughter who struggles with excruciating shyness and lack of confidence in certain situations, which can then present as extreme rudeness or standoffishness, I believe she needs lots and lots of support to build her self confidence, and would love to hear more on strategies to help with the teen years. On the face of it, she appears capable and doing well, but I think she's hiding that lack of confidence underneath at all. Oh, so let's first make a distinction between shyness and social anxiety disorder, because they're not the same at all. No. And I'll talk about shyness first, but then we can go on to this order later. Just touch on what it is so that people can make the distinction and know if it's something that actually is a bit more needs a bit more support.
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Yeah. What do you think about shyness? Because you've got some experience. I've got experience of shyness. I used to be shy. I think most people are shy. This is it. Yes. I
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mean, I was cripplingly shy as a kid, and I absolutely not now, like what?
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And for me, my shyness was insecurity, like I didn't feel I was good enough, so I didn't want to show show myself. Yeah, my daughter was very shy when she was little, and I think it was different for her. I think you can just be quieter by nature, and she now she still has elements of, you know, being one of the quieter, like she would never be in the middle of the room shouting her head off, although when she's comfortable, then absolutely she is. So I think it's actually, I'm talking myself to an answer here. I think it's feeling comfortable.
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If you don't feel comfortable, you feel shy, if you feel comfortable,
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and it's a good response to a situation where you're thinking, I'm not quite sure, yeah, let
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me just hold back a bit. And the other, the other alternative is, if we don't feel comfortable, is shouting louder, isn't it? Yes, my
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daughter at her June, her younger school, a boy turned up from another country, and she came home going, Oh, I can't stand him. He's just so cocky. He's so and I said to her, darling, some people front foot it. When they feel uncomfortable and insecure, they'll push forward and try and insert themselves, and then other people pull back, which is what she did, and she interpreted it as being rude.
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Yes, yeah, right. And I think that's one of the things we have to remember to start with, is that the whole limited understanding side of it, because a lot because teenagers, let's be honest, they've got, you think about the world of a child, and then progressing to being a teenager, they have so little experience of meeting new people, dealing with different types of people, they'll they'll have had their primary setting, and then they'll go into a senior school and and it can feel very overwhelming, but it's they don't necessarily have the skills to be able to look at someone else and say, Oh, they're feeling this. No, that's kind of really
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no high level skill, yeah, and they immediately think there's something wrong with them, because we celebrate extroverts, don't we? The whole society is built up to celebrate extroverts. And in the in the school, you know, I can't remember the amount of times my daughter had in her report, you know, she's doing really, really well, but she needs to speak up a bit more. She needs to do a bit more like, you know, there was something wrong? Yeah, we celebrate. We celebrate the ones who are more confident, and, you know, burst into the room, because I don't know that's what we
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do. Yeah, no, absolutely. And I think that if you are holding back, which I did, and and actually, people thought I was a snob, and so I thought, fine on this person, and then I can stay shy. And that became my, my persona, and I made up this entire world around what people thought I was. And I was, and I thought, finally, that's what you want to label me as. I'll just be that person I can still hide. Yeah.
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And also, I remember sitting on the coach, even to a level College, which is quite a long journey, thinking the entire time, what am I going to say?
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What do I do? You know, really scared about having Yes, because we've all been so this is the other thing that we forget. It's that we I think, look at coming back to the whole teenager thing, I think, as human beings, and you've said this before, many times, we do have negative bias, and negative interpretation tends to be come to the fore. So in social situations, people tend to interpret and be. Curious behavior in a negative light.
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And so kids, I think, quite often, because they're nervous and they don't understand the thinking of somebody else, they just think, if you're You seem a lufu or you don't say anything to them, you don't respond, then you just don't like them. Yeah, and my daughters came home and they said, Oh, they don't like me. And I said, I'm not sure that that's the case. And one of the things that the one of the girls said in this kind of chat, you know, talking about friendships, that I thought was so useful, is, is she said, you know, go up and say hi. And she said, if you're the person who goes and initiates a conversation, I just think, Oh, wow. What a lovely person. I don't think, Oh, who's she to talk to me, but the person having to go up and say hi would be thinking, Oh, they're going to reject me. Yeah? Fear of rejection. It's really brave, but actually it will probably be received really well, because everyone else is really scared too. Yeah?
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So, so actually, that reminds me, my daughter, who was super shy when she was little, has just she's going to a Sixth Form College, and she won't mind me sharing this. Me sharing this. She went to, I can't know what they called it a day, where they had to go and look at their a level choices and all of that kind of stuff.
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And I was actually not here. So she came, she came home and she said she went with quite a few from her school. So, you know, comfortable, nice. And she came home sort of saying none of the other kids, as far as she could see, I'm sure they did talk to the other kids. They all stayed safe. And she said, I went up to kids I didn't know, and said, Hello. So this shy girl, so you don't have to stay shy, it's being is feeling comfortable.
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And she she said, I went up and said, Hello. And said hello, and it was brilliant. It was really, I really enjoyed it. And she was like, Why did, you know, why did they not do it? And she could, she can tell that, you know, they'd come on their own and they didn't have anyone to talk to. So she picked those ones out, amazing, great skills,
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amazing skills to have, and those will help her her whole life. So no one told us to do that. No, exactly. And this, Mum, when you're at home listening to this, just don't, don't, because the mother's also quite shy, and she's worried that she's looking at her daughter going, oh my goodness, the whole path is being repeated again. Don't panic, because she doesn't have to be stuck in shyness. No, this isn't, this isn't, you know,
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and it's also, it's painful, isn't it? Because it doesn't feel nice feeling shy, it feels horrible, especially as a teenagers construed, yeah, you think, oh my goodness, my daughter's gonna feel the same that I feel and I felt. And it's, it's, it's painful, isn't it? And so then we, we kind of can quite easily and understandably and quickly make it into there's something wrong that we need to fix, like we need to fix the shyness. We need to make them more confident and more outgoing. So they pick up on that, and it's super, super well meaning and lovely. And you know, you need to do this and this and this. But I think a lot of what they hear is, there's something wrong with me. I already feel horrible because, because I don't like feeling shy, and now that's all you know. There's something wrong with me. I need to, I need to fix
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it. Yes, and my daughters both said, when they first went into school, when we would have conversations about other people and how they were, they'd say, Yeah, but they're really confident. They're really happy, they're really and I said, Well, are they though, you know they may, that may be the front that they're putting forward, but you don't really know how they're genuinely feeling. So I think there's an awful lot of Miss, yeah, misunderstanding, yeah. They're going on at those ages because everyone's so insecure. We've always
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had at home, like, they talked about, you know, the shy kids. And I love the shy kids because you relate, I relate to them. I was, like, I was that kid. So we've always had, like, in there, oh, they're really shy. I really like the shy ones. So, like, it's a, it doesn't have to be a bad thing in their ears. You know, we like them, and
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also cultural differences, because individuals from different cultural backgrounds will interpret social clues, cues. Yeah,
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that's a good point.
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So my daughter had a South Korean friend who was really meek in the way she came across, but that's a norm, yeah, for her culture, it's a really good point and and, you know, so if you come from a culture where they're quite loud and shouty and they they think that's really important, then that will make it even harder,
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yes, and then you can take that down into, you know, each family has a culture, exactly. So it's not just International, which is, you know, maybe more obvious and really important, but each family culture, you hear it, don't you? When, when people marry into into a really loud family and they come from a really quiet one that sort of mix, Max,
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yes, my daughter's, my daughter's dating a girl who has a very a family that's typically Middle Eastern.
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And she said, It's hilarious, because they all, you know, they're really passionate, and they talk over each other. And I said, Yeah, I know exactly that style. And it's quite a shock.
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If you're an English person and you can, sort of, I remember it when I was a teenager, going, Whoa, what's happening? Yeah, but that's just a different you know, it can be lovely. It can be really refreshing. So
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coming into a school environment, you'll come from a culture you're. Family culture is, or we let other people speak first, and don't shout too loudly. And you know, we have to take turns. And it's, you know, being being quiet is, is valued and is a great thing. And you're in a classroom with a handful of kids who are from the opposite where you know the loudest gets heard, you know they're shouting, and that's a great thing. Then you know, that's hard, yeah, yeah.
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So don't be when you're thinking about Yes.
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So the thing about So, just so we've got a sense of how these can get twisted. So let's say you're shy and you don't start conversations because you're scared of being rejected. Some people can confuse that with being unfriendly. Yeah, you feel extremely self conscious, so you spend a lot of time and energy on your appearance. Other people confuse it with being vain. You can't look someone in the eye because you're too shy. Some people confuse this with a lack of interest or even being furtive. You give short responses because you're anxious. Some people can confuse it with thinking they're not worthy of your time, right? And you adopt a defensive or a stay away body language because you're feeling self conscious.
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Other people confuse that with being rude. It's just these languages. Yeah, absolutely. So you can see how it can be mistaken for arrogance. And there are a few key characteristics of people who are shy. So there's self consciousness. You know that?
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They call it the spotlight. And I, I remember when I was at university, a friend of mine who decided to stop going down to supper because he was gay and he'd been bullied a bit, and he just stayed in his room. And I went into his room and said, You are not allowed to do this. You have to come out. You think everybody's looking at you.
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They're just not. No, they're not. Everybody is doing their thing. They're all self conscious, and I dragged him out, and actually he got through it, but it's that whole spotlight thing. We all need a regular there's that spotlight thing, isn't it, where you just I think we feel uncomfortable.
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We feel like everybody can see our discomfort, but actually they're probably not even noticing
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all the time, and especially for teenagers, because, as we've spoken about many times, the world revolves around them. Yes, it just does.
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So everybody in their head is looking
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at them looking at really not yes. And there's a negative self preoccupation, low self esteem, which we talked about and and that fear that they're going to be judged and rejected. So all of these things will put sort of meld together and be something
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that won't belong in the pack, which is what every teenager wants, yes,
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and exactly, it's so vital and shy people often make unrealistic social comparisons. Yes, they'll look at other people and they'll they'll choose the most vibrant, the most wild, fun, you know, the person with all the friends.
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They'll look at them and go, Well, I'm not that person. I wish I was that person, and and then put themselves down. But they're their own unique, special person, yeah. And
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that's the quickest road to self confidence. Well, I guess it's twofold, isn't it?
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You can practice stuff. You can, you know, it's like the anxiety thing we often talk about. It's, you know, if you stay comfortable, you you won't stretch yourself. So it's practicing it, yes. And I think the quickest route to self confidence is, you know, liking who you are as you are right now, so not trying to fix yourself or change yourself, and then you can, then you change.
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Well, that's
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a process, isn't it? Yeah, you know, to be fair, few adolescents really like themselves, yeah, most of them feel really they suddenly it's, it's, it's part of the natural process that suddenly become totally self conscious, and they'll pick on all sorts of things.
00:23:20.778 --> 00:23:24.499
So maybe accepting themselves better a better way,
00:23:24.619 --> 00:23:41.019
or just also knowing and realizing. So one thing we can do is we can say, you know, that everybody goes, everybody will be feeling insecure. This is okay. And I think one of the hard things for shy people is that they work so hard to hide their shine office.
00:23:36.200 --> 00:23:51.880
Often they don't want to say, I'm shy because they're embarrassed, and then that makes every social interaction exhausting, but you're having to work extra hard exhaust to get past those experiences, and
00:23:51.880 --> 00:24:23.299
then you're going away with a million thoughts as to how you did it wrong and how you should do it better next time it's exhausting. Yes, I remember when I was at school as a teenager, and I didn't, you know, discuss this with anybody or have this podcast to listen to. And I remember picking out girls in my class that I thought were like, cool or or I, you know, thought they they would seem to be socially acceptable and and trying to mimic their qualities like, in a really unhealthy way.
00:24:25.160 --> 00:24:34.880
Well, yes, it can be unhealthy. But I actually said to my girls, because I was there, I was a magpie. I looked at things people did that, I thought, oh, that's I like that.
00:24:34.880 --> 00:24:40.519
Yes, it depends how you have to magpie. Rather than try and be the whole person. You can't do a transplant
00:24:40.578 --> 00:24:47.919
and doing it from a like a deficit of I'm not good enough? Yes, yeah, yeah, absolutely, it can be useful, but has to be done in the right
00:24:48.160 --> 00:24:51.519
way. Yes, yes.
00:24:48.160 --> 00:24:59.680
First of all, it's getting to the nub of just being able to say to them, I've noticed you, you're feeling a bit uncomfortable. You know, it's normal, it's okay. There's nothing. You're not broken.
00:24:59.680 --> 00:25:27.319
There's. Anything wrong with you, really, it's just these are the things that might be behind it. But also imagine how you might behave if you weren't suffering from the fear of rejection. Or imagine how you might behave if you walked into a room and you thought everybody really liked you. Like, what would you do then? So you can try and get them to visualize how that might feel, so that they can listen, taste it, and get to move beyond that stuck feeling that they're alone in this, yeah,
00:25:27.319 --> 00:25:32.119
even though their mind is at the simultaneously going, Yeah, but that's not realistic, they still are tasting it.
00:25:32.180 --> 00:25:42.039
Yeah, they're tasting it. And just to be clear, shyness is different from introversion, because introverts feel energized by time alone.
00:25:37.880 --> 00:25:45.759
You don't need to be an introvert to be shy. No, absolutely right. Vice versa.
00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:45.880
They
00:25:45.880 --> 00:25:48.940
often overlap. They can overlap and they're not the same thing. Yeah,
00:25:50.318 --> 00:25:51.999
right.
00:25:50.318 --> 00:26:20.538
Overcoming shyness. Should we give us some tips? So researchers have said that it's often best for people to acknowledge their shyness and try to release themselves from that feeling of self consciousness. So rather than trying to hide it, actually just being able to say, you know, I'm just a bit shy, yeah, and then that just lets the bubble, the air out of the bubble. That's one thing that they've said.
00:26:16.199 --> 00:26:38.719
Instead of avoiding social events child people can schedule them in advance. So you might think, Oh, I don't want to do that. Well, actually, scheduling things and practicing the skills ahead of time can help. Yeah. So this visualizing of how am I going to do this, preparing, can shift the focus from what could go wrong to what could go right,
00:26:38.719 --> 00:26:47.439
yes, and putting things in place, I imagine, like going with a friend that you feel comfortable with and knowing you can leave if you want to, because, yeah, feeling trapped isn't really fun, is it?
00:26:47.559 --> 00:27:04.140
Yeah, and you can talk through okay? So if there's a moment in the conversation when you're feeling really awkward, what are the things you can do, either to kickstart the conversation or remove yourself so that you can go and regroup and come back in again, right? So giving them techniques that they don't end up going, Oh, I can't do this.
00:27:04.140 --> 00:27:27.200
Yeah, running. Because I think every time that happens, then it's it'll just build on that, that anxiety, having a few questions and talking points. So just being able to chuck in a question and and actually, that whole thing, the whole thing about being able to try and learn the sorts of questions that get conversation started.
00:27:23.059 --> 00:27:27.200
And actually, that's so helpful.
00:27:27.200 --> 00:27:49.599
I mean, I wish somebody, when I was younger had said, you know, the sorts of things that get people chatty are, you know, and they can be really boring and simple things, but they do, they do, you know, like, like, my favorite one that I said to my girls was, like, my I've run out of really good music. What are you listening to? Yeah, oh, brilliant. How to Get a teenager started, yeah. What are the great bands? Have you been to?
00:27:49.599 --> 00:27:55.420
Any concerts? Have you, you know, just show me your playlist, anything like that.
00:27:52.180 --> 00:27:56.019
Because they always, they're all listening to me.
00:27:56.078 --> 00:28:02.519
Well, most of them are, yeah. Or we could do it with films as well. Can you series? Yeah, that's a really good one. Yes, yes.
00:28:02.818 --> 00:28:12.058
And so this being curious, it kind of softens the self criticism, because it takes the focus away away from that what's going on inside you.
00:28:12.118 --> 00:28:24.858
And if you Yeah, I really like that. Because you're asking about something, they can talk about that like asking them about something personal, then the other person might be shy and it might just dry up. But if you're asking about, do you like this movie? Yeah? Like, yeah, that's brilliant,
00:28:24.858 --> 00:28:58.298
yes. So have a list. You can give them a list, or you can sit down and work out a list of the really things that really interest them. And actually, I think at the root of this is we can help our children find their passions or things that they enjoy, because if they're doing something they enjoy, they're more likely to meet other people who enjoy the same things and that. And you know, you've said this before, that actually, you don't shut up if you're with people you really feel comfortable with. So actually, part of the shyness is just your inner you're not with your tribe. You're not in a situation that feels warm and inviting and that you can be
00:28:58.298 --> 00:29:01.499
yourself. Yeah, it's discomfort. It's you don't Yeah, you don't feel comfortable.
00:29:01.500 --> 00:29:14.099
Yes. And I think we can help them with practicing some key techniques that tend to be things that people do when they're shy that cause problems. So try to maintain some eye contact, yeah?
00:29:11.400 --> 00:29:17.460
Try to look people in the eye rather than always looking away.
00:29:14.099 --> 00:29:28.039
Try to be a little bit more open. You know, if you thinking, Oh, I'm feeling really anxious, just try and relax your shoulders. You know, the little things that they can do might help ease that social barrier.
00:29:28.038 --> 00:29:38.179
And as if we're doing and sort of emphasize it, doing it in the tone of this is just to help you feel a bit better and healthy, rather than, Oh, you feel shy, we need to fix
00:29:38.180 --> 00:30:05.579
you. Yeah, no, completely agree. Like, this is you could try this, is you could try this. Yes, I love that. I love this. And actually, this mother who has been shy, you're in an amazing position to be able to say to your daughter, you know, I used to feel really shy, and I still find it a little bit hard. But here are some of the techniques I've used and and, you know, you're not broken, no. And. Actually, people can be very successful.
00:30:00.480 --> 00:30:05.579
Yeah, really, people
00:30:05.578 --> 00:30:07.858
are often really lovely. Oh, yes.
00:30:10.618 --> 00:30:52.538
Now I promise to mention social anxiety disorder because it is different, and it's important that there is a distinction. The thing about social anxiety disorder is it's actually doing everyday things, such as eating or drinking in front of others, using a public restroom. These things can cause fear or anxiety. You can feel humiliated, judged, rejected. My daughter, you know, when I was looking down the list of these things, my daughter did struggle with this, with having to stand up and talk in front of people, and she had the sweaty palms the the close up throat in front of people, yeah? And, and it can be small, and it could become really big, if, you know, if it's not kind of noticed, yeah.
00:30:52.720 --> 00:31:02.339
I also think it's banded around a lot of that term. It's becoming really popular. It's like, Oh, I've got social anxiety, you know, you haven't? You just feel a bit awkward, like every other person on the planet, yes,
00:31:02.579 --> 00:31:17.759
and I think that's the thing to do, is just to be with it's such an important point you're making, because I've seen a lot of stuff about what's happening in classrooms where there have, there has been a movement where it's a no call. And what they mean by that is the teacher should not be. There are parents saying, don't call on my child.
00:31:17.880 --> 00:31:48.099
Don't ask them to put their hands up. They they've got social anxiety. And the problem with that is that I understand why their parents are saying that the problem is the child is never, ever going to deal with that feeling. And it may really not be a big thing, until you label it as that, and then you create something. So, yeah. So it is. It is one of those ones where it is genuinely a big thing where they are struggling to do anything they you know, they're struggling with normal day to day things they need.
00:31:44.799 --> 00:31:53.500
They need proper professional support. Yeah, definitely. But this is not like, you know, the trembling, the mind going blank.
00:31:50.440 --> 00:31:53.500
We all experience
00:31:53.500 --> 00:32:02.160
everything. It's completely normal. It's a survival mechanism. We're meant to have it so otherwise we would not have made it this far.
00:31:58.720 --> 00:32:02.160
Absolutely, absolutely.
00:32:03.420 --> 00:32:14.279
So there are treatments for it. CBT, I had a very interesting discussion with Renee mill, who's based in Australia, about anxiety. She was amazing. So listen to that.
00:32:14.279 --> 00:32:41.140
If you interested in that at all. There's another treatment called a CT, which is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is rather newer, yes, and I knew you recognize that, because it's strategies like mindfulness and goal setting to reduce discomfort and anxiety. So again, it's taking you out of your like. It's like being mindful and accepting the discomfort, but at the same time setting goals and things so that you're moving forward, rather than just saying on that same track going over and over and over, there's
00:32:41.140 --> 00:33:32.779
a really brilliant, I don't know what, if you call it technique, or it's a thing, I use it in teaching. And it's, it's this idea, it's a CT, and it's this, you know, we have a mantra in our in our heads, all of us. It's often, I'm not good enough for people. But it could be, I am. You know the thing you tell yourself when you're feeling down on yourself, I'm not good enough. I'm lazy, I am stupid, whatever your particular personal brand is. And you go, you hear that I am, I am so let's take I am lazy. Then you then you take it to the next level. And you go, I am having the thought that I am lazy. And then you sit with that and notice what that feels like. And then the third step is I notice I am having the thought that I am lazy, and you sit with that, and you just notice the difference, and it's quite
00:33:32.779 --> 00:33:36.680
that's wonderful. Yes, we should all try that, because we
00:33:36.680 --> 00:33:42.339
are not those things. They are thoughts. And then I am having that thought.
00:33:39.019 --> 00:33:45.640
And it just usually, not always, but it usually provides a little distance between that and
00:33:45.640 --> 00:33:51.579
to inspect it and go, Is it really true, or is it just something, a narrative?
00:33:48.400 --> 00:34:17.699
Yeah, like that. That is ACD, great. One of the things great, yeah. What do you think of this episode? You can message me using teenagers untangled@gmail.com leave a review on your podcast platform, or on the podcast website, which is www teenagersuntangled com, where there's a search engine for entering keywords to find an episode that might answer a question that you have, and if it doesn't answer your question, then message us. We'd love to hear from you. Don't
00:34:17.699 --> 00:34:19.679
be shy. Don't be shy.
00:34:22.079 --> 00:34:34.940
We're getting messages through on Instagram, and, you know, I'm sort of getting it's great. I think, I think now people are seeing the put email question or listeners question. People are going, Oh, I've got a question. Brilliant.
00:34:35.900 --> 00:34:38.360
And if you found this useful, please just tell somebody else.
00:34:38.360 --> 00:34:43.000
Yeah, anybody? Just one person, if it could help them. Susie, how are we going to reach you?
00:34:43.719 --> 00:35:01.019
I have a website. Is where all my links are, so it's probably easiest to find me there, which is www, amindful life co uk, no.co.uk, sorry. Is it calm? You can't remember.co.uk
00:35:02.699 --> 00:35:09.300
and if she doesn't answer immediately, that's because she's enjoying herself somewhere else, or she's taken another five days retreat in
00:35:09.900 --> 00:35:13.139
silence with no gadgets, somewhere fabulous.
00:35:13.440 --> 00:35:16.320
So have a great week. Bye bye For now, bye bye for now. You
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