Transcript
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Hello, I'm Rachel Richards and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hug where we use research by experts and our own experience to discuss everything and anything to do with parenting teenagers.
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Hi, I'm Susie Asli mindfulness coach, mindful therapist, musician and mother of three teenagers two of them are twins.
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As a parenting coach, I've seen the transformative power of listening to how other parents work, we can feel supported, get fresh ideas. And even if we disagree, it helps us to think more clearly about the way we parent and why so welcome. Pull up a chair. And let's begin. Now Suzie, any annual Thanksgiving time such as Christmas, it's a chance to come together, but it can also be very stressful content.
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Oh, it can be Yeah, it can be. Expectations.
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Expectations.
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Well, we've discussed tips for getting along in this episode.
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But first, what's your golden nugget for this week,
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while my golden nugget is Christmas themed, I thought that was appropriate.
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And for a few years, my daughter and I have done what we call a hug advent calendar, which is so cool. So pretty. Basically what you do is on day one, you hug for one second day to two seconds, etc, etc, etc. So we're up to what's the date today, it's the night. And I know you're the night. So we did a nine second hug this morning.
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And so what happens is when you hug for a certain amount of time, I can't remember the exact statistics. You release chemicals, which make you feel nice. So we haven't been as we haven't been as good this year, we keep forgetting. So we did the nine second hug this morning. And it's just a really lovely way of connecting in the morning. And we always say by the time we get to the 24th Oh, can we do this in January? It's really lovely. The boys look at us like what are you doing?
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I love that, you know, one thing I put in place when my kids were young is when they come down in the morning. They have to hug me, okay. And when I say half do is not that they don't want to I just say Hey, where's my hug and we all we just fold into each other and hug for however long we want to it's a really special is important. And I feel like I haven't kind of connected?
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Yeah, no, it's really lovely. I have two huggers and one non nada. And that's, you know, pat on the back kind of awkward things. So yeah,
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I love it. So my golden nugget actually came from listening to Bear Grylls who's chief scout around the world. He's an adventurer, most fascinating guy. And he mentioned during a an interview, dip, dip, dip. Now dip dip dip is the motto of the Boy Scouts.
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And I never really understood what it was. It's an acronym.
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And the acronym is do your best.
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And the reason I think it's so useful, or it really struck home was because when I was at work in my first job, every time I went out to a negotiation or presentation everyone whichever Hey, Rachel, be the best be the best. And I think oh yeah, I've got to be the best one to be the best. And I'd be really nervous.
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And and the thing about do your best is that it's taking a phrase like that, which is a kind of rallying cry, and giving our teenagers something that's much more honest. Which is not be is do yes, do don't don't you can't be you know, don't don't when you when you do things, and they don't work, it doesn't matter. You tried now try again.
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And you're it's not someone else's best. It's your best and the best. That's the best. And that that's the point because this whole kind of idea that there is some best out there gets bandied around all the time, it makes mothers feel really insecure. And we get stressed because we think somebody else is doing it better than us. And then our teenagers feel the same way. The truth is, it's your best. Yeah, do your best. I love it.
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Yeah, brilliant.
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That's lovely. Love. It's great.
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So
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I on that note, do your best at Christmas, to get on with your family. We're all aware that the time spent together as family at Christmas is marketed as magical, loving, joyous. The reality can be stressed arguments and massive levels of disappointment, right?
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Yeah. One of the interesting points I read was The it was using the work of Daniel Kahneman. Now Daniel Kahneman is an award winning economist, but he wrote a book called Thinking Fast and Slow. And he talks about the way our brains work.
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And we have track one and we have tried to track one is when we automate things. So when you drive a car, you're using simulate system because it's system one. So system one is just for anything where you're not thinking to autopilot, autopilot. System two is when you actually stop to think and try and solve a problem. So if I said to you, 35 times five, you would probably pause you'd stop walking. If you're walking.
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You'd look up to the left because that's where Have you access that part of the brain?
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And then you're trying to solve the problem? This is system two.
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Yeah, very often people try and solve system two problems by using system one. Yeah, they get an automatic response.
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Brilliant I love it is that like in mindfulness, the terminology would be reactive autopilot, versus, you know, pausing and choosing your response. Love it.
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And the reason I brought this up, is because when we spend time with our family, guess which system we mostly use. I wanted system. So we go back at Christmas, and particularly something like Christmas or a big event, we load shed, because there's so much going on, that you sorted.
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So except accentuates that desire to be on system one.
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Yeah. And you know, that reminds me of that if the classic quote, which I love, it's, I think it's Ram Dass, spiritual guy. And it is if you think you're enlightened, try spending a week with your family, really. So we can all be super laser, super amazing. And then we go back to our nuclear sort of core family and get massively triggered,
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triggered, and also just resorting to behavior that we're not even conscious of, I've seen that with my husband, when he goes back to his mother's house, sits down on the chair, starts reading the newspaper, she's running around him making cups of tea, and he's just, he's back where he was when he was a young young man.
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So actually, these kinds of places are opportunities if we want them to be Yeah, so really, look, look at you know, I'm getting triggered, what's that about?
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And unpack it after Christmas?
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Maybe not in the middle of Christmas day? Well, this is interesting. It's like, it's, if you Yeah, that's where your triggers come up the most.
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And don't use Chris, we're not, we're not suggesting you use Christmas to solve your family problems, because it's not going to happen right. Afterwards, after blogging. Oh, before so this is what my suggestion is that we you will subconsciously be running information through your head that comes from previous family encounters. So you will have a history, some of it will be unpleasant, some of it will be fantastic. And if you have a mostly fantastic narrative, you're going to be really looking forward to Christmas, without too much in the way of expectations that it's got to be perfect. If it was has been problematic in the past, you're going to be anxious, you're going to be anxious about whether some of these things will happen. So being aware of what's going on subconsciously, by using system two can help you
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it can help you make better choices in the moments and take care of
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preparing for it. So the you mentioned it raised expectations. I mean, you know, thanks to Instagram advertising, very often people feel like it should be one way, and then their Christmas Day is completely another.
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And I think especially with teenagers, you know, this, that's, you know, what we're about here is that we may be you know, maybe our teenagers normally spend loads and loads of time in their room, and maybe we don't have massive conversations. Maybe we do, but that could be the case. You know, they're busy doing stuff.
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And then sometimes suddenly, we like, oh, it's Christmas Day, you have to be with us all day.
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And and you know, make
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personality transplants? Yeah, exactly. It's
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like, oh, hang on a minute. Just have a moment to think. And if that's what you want, then you you set those expectations really high. They might happen, but they might not so in a way so that you can then instead go well, what what's the most important thing to me today, and that could be I don't know, having dinner together. It could be having a cup of tea together could be going for a walk, you know, you pick one thing and then and then everything else is a bonus. Yes.
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Instead of everything else is a crushing disappointment that ends in a fight.
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Thinking about that maybe beforehand and saying, okay, the most important thing is, and then saying to a teenager, so for me, this is really important. What about you? Yeah, what do you what would really make Christmas for you? Because they've gone from, as we've said, In our previous episode, you know, the magic of Christmas? Yeah. And then suddenly, all that's gone. And they've basically seen the unboxing on YouTube, and they're trying to decide whether they're going to get what they want, or not only hate Turkey. And so, and also reaching out to the families where there's just one child, you know, this can feel like wow, you know, when I've seen parents saying there's, you know, there's just me and my child, my teenager, I don't even know what how to do this, because there's no modeling of it.
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No, there are a million ways to do Christmas
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million. Yes.
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And so stepping back and saying what do I want? What what what would be meaningful and enjoyable for me. Right. So coming back to this teenager, I mean, the law of the room does become very strong and the mom is
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stressing around the kitchen or he wants to be late.
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That's the best driver a way of
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just coming downstairs opening some presents and then going back to bed or I see teenagers Do you need sleep?
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So don't panic if they're staying in their room? Because actually, you think back to the times when you'd be waking up at four. Yeah, because it's a nice way nice to get a bit of a sleeping. Yeah. So allow them their space, as you said, give them give them that time to do what they maybe they want to meet up with friends, maybe they want to FaceTime their friends or they're on Instagram. But I would interject there on Instagram and to say, how is that making you feel? Yeah, if you're scrolling through Instagram and seeing all your mates with these pictures that look very brilliant. Maybe it isn't for them either.
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I think it's also okay to go Do you know what it's really important to me that you have dinner and that you sit and you know, if that is your thing that is important, you know, that you stay, don't just bought your food and run away. But we stay made we play a game that's really important to me. And I'd really like you to do it and have that you say conversation beforehand. How do you feel about that? What's what would be important to you today? Can I happily do that with you? So you have that in place? I think it's okay to to nudge in and have some I completely agree not just say right. Well, you can do what you like. I mean, it's it's a family thing. Yes.
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And actually, sometimes it can end up with everybody having a great time. I mean, I've nudged my mother in law before and she got involved in a game she probably didn't want to play and then loved it.
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And then it's really it's sometimes the resistance isn't actually real. It's just they just need getting over that.
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Bribe them
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with immense bribe them. Bacon, bacon, yeah.
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So So coming back to this system, too, and thinking ahead of time so that we can help ourselves with this.
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How do we do it? So one of them is setting boundaries, like you say, actually, so for example, if your family members always expect you to do something, and you think God, I've been doing that for years, I don't want to do that. Just say, right, you're doing the potatoes this year, you're doing that, you know, just try and say, or what would you like to do get? Think about what matters to you? And if you don't like somebody using a name, you're they're the nickname they've been using since you were a kid. Just yeah, so this Christmas, you know, your gift to me, I don't really care what you buy me just stop calling me widget. Just whatever.
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Yeah. And also, as with boundaries, made of a tangent, really, but you know, I think sometimes we think if we say something once, then everyone will go, okay, great.
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Now, this is family.
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Many times, but just do it in a nice way.
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And also, if you if you end up feeling like people are quite ungrateful, model it, model gratitude, you know, and you won't, you won't always get it back. Of course, but
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try it. Yeah, and maybe try and be I think one of the, the biggest gifts I think of not being able to be with my kids every Christmas, of course, I would rather there I was with them every Christmas, but there were their data really is kind of taking all the taking the Christmas out of Christmas, if that makes any sense. It's just a day. When I don't have my kids, it's just a day. I mean, I celebrate it, I'd be with my family or not be with my partner. But you know, we just pile so much into it. It's literally just today, what is important to you is, you know, is just having a box of chocolates and watching a movie, what you want to do then do that. It's it's, we but we build it up in a really crazy way. And then when we don't get get it to be how we want. We can feel, you know, loss of angst. And yes,
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and again, that system one talking, isn't it?
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Yeah. So if we get into the system, too, then we start thinking, Okay, why am I even thinking this? Yeah, why does it matter so much? money worries.
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And this is a massive one that a lot of people feel huge pressure to spend to make it the perfect day is just not worth getting into debt for. So the, as I always say, you could sit in the middle of a field with people you love and have the best time.
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Yeah. So it's all about connection.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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Absolutely. And you know, having that talk beforehand,
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having the talk beforehand, you don't have to get involved in the family drama. So you know, what sort of things happen with your family?
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What are those controversial topics? We know, we know what triggers a bit different members of our family, try and stay clear. There are things you can do, for example, have safe conversations ready. If you start going into dodgy water, you can have games ready, you can suggest a walk walks are great. And you can also even have a trigger. So you can say to people, you know somebody who's on your side, somebody in the family would just say, Oh, this really upsets me. You know, I'm going to use this word and then we need to move on we need to do something else. Or you can just have you're going to be as honest as having a card that you lift up and say right I don't want to talk about that.
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Yeah, brilliant, brilliant. We I remember having that conversation with my dad years ago like there because he liked discussing particular political subjects with me and because I gave him punches back verbal and I He was just annoying after a while. So I just said, I'm not going to talk about that, or that or that with you. And he would keep trying.
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And I say, remember, we're not talking about that. And actually one of my kids the other day noticed, and they said, Yeah, that topic, a topic came up. And and suddenly, we weren't talking about it. And I'm How do you do that? is a skill, you can hear something coming up, and you can divert, but you can do it consciously. And you can do with grace. So nobody notices. Yeah.
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And accepting your family as they are. So So yes, they this, you know, that's the annoying uncle who drinks too much. And you sort of, you're not going to suddenly make them change. You can either say, right, we're not going to include them in this particular thing. Or you think, what do I what do I actually like about them? Again, modeling that with your teenagers is a really good skill. Yeah, modeling
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tolerance.
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And be mindful of all patterns in yourself. So are you the person who always stomps upstairs because of such and such, but when you've done that, ever since you were a kid, are you the person who gets up after lunch and goes and has a nap instead of actually helping with what you do? Yeah,
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I'm gonna start doing
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that. And if there is an old pattern, then you don't do it. And it can be very disruptive and the family can try and lure you if you're the person who always throws the Monopoly board, tips, a monopoly because you're cross about something and everyone's like, Oh, we're waiting for that.
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Yeah, try and restrain yourself from it. And it's a bit of a disrupter.
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Yeah, yeah, rocking the boat. Yes.
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We came up with this idea of family bingo. So for example, in my book club, we all know how someone's going to react to certain books. So I'll be reading a book and I think, Oh, I know how Sally is going to react to this. And it's the same with your family. So if you know there are certain things they always do, you can even have a little joke about and say, oh, when they say this, that's bingo.
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I love that. I think is so funny. I'm going to use that. Thank you.
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And it just turns on little, we've all got these little things we do that are really annoying to other people. And just make it
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funny. Do you make cards? Or do you just do it in your head?
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We do it in our heads? It could be it could be a bit painful. offended the person would be when you do it. But it's it's yeah, there are certain tropes that constantly come up. Which, you know, that's really funny. All right, yeah.
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And that's your only your family can do that. Because they know all that stuff about you. Yeah.
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All little kind of funny tics that you have.
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Exactly. So you know, talk to your partner, or anybody in the family. And you know, if you're going to have tensions, be honest about it beforehand, and to say, you know, we usually get on really well, but I had remembered last time, I always get a bit stressed. Here's why don't take it personally. Yeah, let's have that conversation beforehand.
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Yes, I love that. Limit your contact. My point about that is let's say you're all living in the same house together for five hours, two days, five days. I mean, how long is this going on?
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I don't know how long your Christmases are, or you're going from one house to the next. You know, there are various ways you can you can slice this one. But you don't have to all be in the same room at the same time. And that's why teenagers are so smart to go up to their to do their regulating, feel free to go up and have a bath if you want to get out of it. But also just get outdoors, go for a walk and play games. And if people fight over the TV, just find other things that you can. And what we found is that there are certain people who don't want to do things. So, you know, one member of family does not want to sit down and watch a film.
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That's absolutely fine. So we do the film watching much later in the day. Yeah, because you can do
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that now. Yeah, and we don't have to explain. I think we often feel we have to explain, I'm going to go out for walk because I can just go just go to say typing out. We don't have to justify any
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absolute and coming back to the teenager, they should they should feel comfortable. If they want to retire to the room. Don't say where are you? Where are you going? Unless it's something you've agreed beforehand. Just give them their space? Yeah. And actually, I think that for my family. The reason we really, really, really love Christmas now is because we've taken all the pressure off. There's, you know, literally nobody's working harder than anybody else.
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Everybody mocks in we wear our pajamas until whatever time and we play games, and everybody is allowed to be themselves. Yeah,
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that's perfect. That sounds really lovely. Yeah, I think in our house, we we really appreciate the Christmases we have together because it's only every other one. And that I love a different perspective. It's like, you know, I get to have Christmas with you this year.
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How can we make this lovely?
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Yeah,
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but you don't feel the pressure? No, good. No, because that could also feel quite pressured. Where you think we were there last year. I need to do it better. I see. I can imagine that being stressful.
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Yeah, it could be.
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Could be done that way. I've only got one in every two. So it's got to be amazing. Yeah, no, no, it's like, I always use that sentence. I try and remember I get to do this. I
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get to do this.
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Yes, I love that. And one last one is drinking the alcohol. We often think I think that when we drink, it's going to relax us more and we'll be happier. But my experience quite often, it just heightens when people have disagreements, it can make it just harder so I can give you think that it's one of those things that might feel the disagreements, maybe just ease back on the alcohol a little bit and think of other ways that you can if you've got the drunk in the family who irritates people, because some people are teetotal, and the other person's the drunk. Again, you need to manage expectations. Yeah.
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And you're not going to so much they fall asleep, make them
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suddenly change them. No, I think it's this sense that you come together and you think, Oh, this has been irritating. Yeah. Never fix it.
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Can I fix it? No, you can't. No, no, no, you can't.
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No, no accepting us.
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I think it's a beautiful place to learn boundaries and and tolerance, and you can learn both.
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Absolutely. Do you have good memories of Christmas? Are you expecting this year to be fantastic, are an absolute turkey. Remember, you are not alone. And make sure you do some of what you enjoy.
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So you know, actually, you can set aside if you're the person who's having to run the household prepare everything.
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What are you going to do to make yourself feel fantastic? Yeah.
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You know, just sitting in the bath.
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And if you're feeling tension if stuff is difficult, so you know that asking that that really helpful question is, will this matter five years from now? Will I look back on this Christmas and be thinking of that? Or can I just let it go? Does it matter?
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If you've enjoyed this episode, then why not help other parents? Tell your friends, tell the school, subscribe to our podcast. And if you could bonus review us that would be really, really nice, please. You can also sign up to receive all the latest at our own website where there's a blog reviews links to every episode and easy ways to contact both of us. That's www dot teenager's untangled.com and Susie has her own mindfulness website. She's also you can buy bouches
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for present you can mindfulness vouchers, all different kinds of teenagers, Family Mental ones is all on my website. So what's the website again is www dot. Mindful hyphen life.co.uk.
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That's it for now. Goodbye.
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Bye bye for now.
