Transcript
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Hello, I'm Rachel Richards and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hardware. We use research by experts and our own expertise to discuss everything and anything to do with parenting teenagers.
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Hello, I'm Susie Asli, I'm a mindfulness coach and mindful therapist, and musician and mother of three teenagers two of them are twins.
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As a parenting coach, I've seen the transformative power of listening to how other parents work. We can feel supported, get fresh ideas, and even if we disagree, it helps us to think more clearly about the way we parent and why. So welcome. Pull up a chair. And let's begin now Susie, we always have a golden nugget. Yeah, can you give us one? Well, yeah, happening this week.
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So my one this week is the power of texting, ah, I sometimes with it's usually my eldest. If we we've had a few issues about various things, which is part of normal family life. And sometimes, I then will text him afterwards. And you go to a bit more depth about something or explain something in a different way, or tell him how I'm feeling about things.
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And we've been doing that for a little while, not all the time, but just when it when it's relevant. And I just find it a really good way of doing it. And I've done that a bit more recently, because we've had a few things that we needed to sort out. And it's always received really well it feels really nice for me that I'm expressing myself in a way where I had a chance to think or even write down what I think is important. And then we always talk about it in person afterwards, or he'll reply. And it just feels like a really wholesome way of doing it. And actually what happened this week was also something was really worrying him. And I woke up in the morning to a text from a couple of texts from him explaining something that he was really worrying about. So he's kind of taking it on board. And I'm we were able to then look at that in person later in the evening and sort of unpack it and talk about it properly. So that works really well for us.
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There is a danger, of course that you miss communicate things in a text, but we won't just leave it in the text, we'll talk about it as well.
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I think that sounds amazing. Thank you, for boys, when they find it hard to express themselves, sometimes actually writing it down and sending it feels less emotional or less, less explicit, like they're exposing themselves. And the whole thing is about building up that relationship where you start to learn how someone is expressing themselves. And it becomes easier. Yeah, some
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of my texts are their bullet points because he doesn't do so well. You know, I make it really clear. And it's just really helpful for us. It's really helpful.
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Amazing. I love that. For me, it's similar kind of thing, actually, my daughter came to me for some advice on how to communicate with someone who's her own age. And firstly, she said her friends were surprised that she would ask me, and she had explained to them that, you know, I know everything about her, you know, I've seen her relationships evolve as she's grown up. And and I care about her more than anyone else in the world. So she was very clear that coming to me was a good thing. And that it was very helpful to get my feedback. What was particularly interesting was that the teenager in me when she asked me how to communicate, wanted to sort of game it. I was thinking all strategically, how should you say there so that you get this and you get? And then I stepped back and thought, no, actually what we're trying to teach our children or teenagers is clear, honest communication.
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So I spent time asking her how she really thought. And then we talked about how she could compose a message that was very clear about what she thought.
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And so it wasn't full of emotion because I think quite often they really over emotional things or where they you know, where people come across as being unreasonable is more that they haven't quite got to grips with what they're really thinking.
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And they're trying to get some response from somebody without really understanding what they're trying to do. So it's
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between reacting knee jerk reaction and taking a moment and responding. Yes.
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And that was the other thing I just said her Darling, you don't have to respond immediately. And all these teams are quick, quick messages quick, shallow, pop up.
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And that she could say no, no, but But I read it now I need to respond to I said, No. You don't need to respond. You actually can stop and wait and think about what you want to say because it's much better to be clear than it is to be fast.
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Yeah. And it was really empowering. She came away from that same kind of feel so much better because I've been very clear and honest about what I think
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amazing skills.
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Yeah, that's brilliant. Because sometimes they do they feel that they have to reply immediately, don't they? But they could also go I've seen it I will get back to you later.
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Yeah, you can acknowledge it if you want to, but we all fall into that trap.
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Brilliant. Now Catherine has written to us with an excellent topic to discuss. She has been I'm struggling with the SEO of step parenting. Her partner joined her family when her daughter was preteen. And now she's a teen. He's having a really rough ride of it. She says her daughter defaults to her blood parents for absolutely everything. And he's finding that very tough. Yeah, I can imagine. So Catherine, I'm really grateful that you came to us because I'm a stepparent.
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Susie has a new partner. So effectively, she's a step parent, each of these is going to be very different. But there are things that are similar. So I started to be a step parent, when my kids were really little.
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Susie is in a situation where those kids are full blown teenagers and
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we don't live together. But we spend a lot of time in each other's homes. Yes.
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So so
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there aren't we all going to be coming at this from different angles. But I'm going to break down the research that I found in two different topic areas, there's bonding with your teen family structure and the importance of a united front discipline. And then looking after yourself.
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Yeah, really important topics. I think it is really important to just take a moment, though, to sort of think about what stage Am I in? And it because it is really different.
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And it does make a huge difference as to how we approach it, you know, the kids a little or, or the, you know, the first divorces are really new, or has it been years in you know, that you've been on your own for years, or you've just broken up with somebody, the children, different ages, the same ages? I mean, there's loads and loads of different variables that actually make a big difference.
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So yes, they
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do. But we can we can narrow it down. So I started with bonding, because psychologist Patricia Pappa now says the mindset of the pet step parent should be connection before correction. Because the key thing that people struggle with is how do we deal with behavior. And as adults connecting with a teen is all about understanding where they're coming from. And we are the adults, and it's our job to connect with them. This is a really important thing to remember. They don't owe us anything. They didn't choose to have you as a stepparent.
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No, I mean that you can relate that to any kind of parenting or being with teenagers, but it's particularly relevant for the step parents is connection. Yes, what anything,
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and when relationships end in divorce, a child needs time to grieve. They can feel very defensive feel threatened when somebody else moves in. Children can struggle with a mate, you know, huge emotions, and then you can suddenly get anger or aggression coming from them. And we need to understand that they could be feeling guilt as well. Yeah, so it's understanding that there's probably a lot going on in there. And what you always say, which is don't react don't don't take it personally
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not personal. And I think it's, that's really hard.
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Because I think as you if you're coming in, and maybe if you don't have your own kids, or even if you do, it doesn't really matter. You want it to work, you really you know, you've got this new relationship that's really exciting and really amazing. And you really want the that part of it to be really successful or to feel really good as well. And if it doesn't, and it takes a little time, that can be really painful. Yes.
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And the most realistic goal for the first few years of your relationship with your stepchild is basically to be friends to be able to, to kind of talk to each other. And it's apparent and it can be painful. I mean, the first thing my one of my stepdaughter said to me was, I want to swap you with my mommy. That's her first one.
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She was little.
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I it's painful.
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But I thought Yeah, I get it. I get it. Yeah, of course you do.
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Of course you do. And wanting isn't straightforward. Your children can start opening up to you and being friendly with you and listening to you or talking to you. And then suddenly feel that guilt because they may feel that your presence is actually you're trying to replace their mom or dad or they may feel guilt that you're starting to bond with them. And then they they feel bad that maybe it seems like a rejection of their own parents who might not be with somebody. So understanding that that might be what's behind some of their things or they're behaving
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the parent that you're willing to change.
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There's a different dynamic they feeling left out maybe yes.
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So leave no doubt how important their role with their biological parents is. So I have always said to my stepdaughters, I am not your mother. I will never be your mother. I will behave like a mother towards you. I will love you as if you're my child. But you have a mother. Yeah. And there is only one yeah,
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there's a I love I love the word mothering. I think it's such a beautiful word. It's a verb to mother. And but we can mother. Lots of different things. We can be mothering and it just means nurturing and caring. We can be it with it with pets with plants with our homes, you know, with friends.
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We don't have to be a mother.
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Yes, but we can be mothering different. Yes.
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And you want to give them a sense that they're gaining. Yeah, you know, there's an extra person to love them and as an extra person to give them advice or to spend time with them. And if they one of the things that's painful is when they will tell you the amazing things that they've done with that other parent, or they'll tell you about the other parent.
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She's cool. And you just have to listen and just go, okay, I can see why you're doing that. And that's good. You know, it's important that you have that relationship.
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I actually see it with with mine. They share they talk about, yeah, the other parents on both sides. And I actually see that as something really positive, because it's like, oh, this is a safe space.
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You can talk about anything here. There are no hard, no sharp edges here.
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I love that.
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That's absolutely right. So they're telling us things, it's, you know, yes, they might be trying to manipulate you. But actually, at least they can talk to
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you. And it's normalizing it. Yeah, this is this is where you are right now.
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But you can you can talk about, you know, for them, they just want to be able to go back and forwards between both parents, they don't want any drama, they don't know, if there is drama.
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That's because something is difficult.
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Yes. And it's hard to pack up all your stuff to have a stuff in one house and in another house. And family traditions are a really great way to do this bonding. So things like just introducing a new family tradition. So for example, ice cream on a Sunday will always do ice cream on a Sunday or something where you can all say, Well, that's what we do, and not something that competes with the other family unit. But just giving them a sense that there's something that you all do together, it really helps. Yeah, you need to let the child take the lead. You can't force them to want to spend time with you. So you always have to see that if they want to have alone time. That's okay. So just say, Look, I'm here, if you want to chat, I'm around,
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but don't you want their room, if you try and force anyone but particularly a teenager to do anything, they're going to run away? It's kind of being a magnet rather than you know, in sort of making it a safe space where they can come or they can go and you're cool with either and then they're way more likely to be interested by that.
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Yes. And supporting their interests. So are they did have homework that you might be able to help them with, you know, do you want to shy sit with you with the homework and go through some of the things go into a sports game or a school performance, doing what they enjoy doing, find out what they like to do and just say, Oh, I'll do that with you, particularly if it's something nobody else is good at, or nobody wants to do.
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And then if they say no, thank you being cool is fine.
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And you can try a solo outing with them to something that's not competing with others that they wouldn't do with the other parent. And also accept that the biological parents need time on their own with that child, if they're not going to feel like they're being supplanted. So accept that and appreciate that, that's important.
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Just not forcing it, there's so much time and the more we force things to be a particular way or expect them to be a particular way than then the more pressure we put on it and usually the worse it is, and they can smell it. They smell it and and they will they will probably not all of them. And it depends this age based, you know, they'll test the other person the new person coming in.
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That's human nature. And who is this coming into our our safest, the safest space they know is home is the safest place for all of us. Some buddies coming into it, they're gonna want to check them out. Who is this? And test?
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You know, test them? Maybe they'll see a do they get my jokes? Are they annoying, and they'll push maybe push to their boundaries? I think that's a normal response. And we just mustn't take that personally.
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Yeah, mine bond with my new partner over taking the mickey out of me. Are they did not so much now? Well, actually, still no. But you know, they'll find something to bond about. Who is this person? How do they tick?
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They want to know?
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Yes, yeah.
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Brilliant. And he just gets involved. And you can all laugh, laugh, it's fantastic. Anything that you can make your love. As long as one person is not just being
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picked on? Yeah, that's usually me.
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So bonding is critical. The other thing is family structure and being a united front. So as a new person coming in, it's important that you both have a conversation about how how things are going to work in the house, who's doing the the main the lead disciplining if there's going to be any disciplining who's running this and it needs to be the biological parent. And the step parent needs to be backing them up. So you need to have had conversations about how this works. Otherwise, you could easily come on Start
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Yeah, yeah. And I think it depends on your relationship, doesn't it? You know, how well do you talk to each other? Because sometimes these things can just happen organically because it's just it just works. But if it doesn't, and you may even need to have conversation with the teenagers or not it just it depends on the situation. But just having your antenna out all the time, you know, how is this going how you know little baby steps, baby steps be Baby steps rather than shoving everyone together and you know, sticking your fingers in your ears and hoping everyone's gonna work out they might do but it might be a disaster. So I mean, we did really Jen and we don't live together full time. So that is also different very different.
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But you know, really, really slow really gentle baby steps and then antenna out. Who's okay with this? Who's not okay with this? I asked ad nauseam my particularly my younger kids, you know, how do you feel about so and so coming over to stay?
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Or, you know, later down the line? Or? Or, uh, you're right, if sensor comes over this evening, and we will have dinner? Until they were like, ma'am, you don't have to ask anymore. It's fine. But they I said, I want you to feel that this is your home, right? That you have just foisted on them.
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No. Space, we're a team of four.
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And somebody else is coming in.
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And I just want to check in with you. And I might check in too much. How do you feel about this? Are you okay with this so that they could feel they could say, actually, you know what, I just want to hang out with you tonight. And that did happen occasionally.
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I think with Katherine scenario, she's got a partner who's living with her.
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And one of the issues is, you know, when when the children aren't behaving, the way that you expected them is how do you cope with this? And the, the refrain is, you know, often kids will say, You're not my dad, you can't tell me. And that's a very interesting one, because we can sit with our partners and say, okay, absolutely. I'm not your dad, I'm not your mother. I totally get that. But we all live in a house together. And that, therefore gives you some authority over how things work.
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And when I talk about authority, I mean, authority comes from connection, it comes from trust and a bond. And so you also is a two way street. So the teenager needs to be able to have a conversation with you about things that trouble them. Yeah, it's about a constant communication about these things. We can
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set boundaries in our home, we don't have to be related. No, we don't have to be parental doesn't come from Do you know what, when you speak to me like that? I really don't like it. We don't have to talk about it now. But just so that, you know, that's not okay. For me. Yeah, that's nothing to do with being a parent. Yes, putting your own boundaries in place.
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Absolutely. So it's keep keep keep an eye on that and just be able to answer back and say no, but the role needs to be more like that of a babysitter, whether the biological parent takes the lead in terms of what they think things should be like, the step parent has to have a be prepared to have a conversation with them about it. Because if you don't like something, you need to have those conversations probably away from the kids, and work those out. And then establish what the consequences are. And the person who needs to put those consequences. Forward has needs to be the biological parent. Yeah. And I saw a wonderful example where a psychologist said it's a bit like a bank account. And you know, the biological parent has been putting money in that bank account all these years. And then when they want to withdraw some or, you know, penalize that that's that that can happen. But if you've just moved in, you know, you're trying to take money when you haven't got any in the bank.
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So great image that is really great image. I also think that as the kids get older, and and yet, I totally agree with with Catherine, if he's living that it's really different. And that, you know, that refrain of you're not my parent can be really hurtful.
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But, you know, it's it's natural and normal. And you know, they're not doing anything wrong. I'm sure that's just part of the process. But as they get older, I do think they can really appreciate that, you know, mom or dad, having a new partner and being happy, adds huge value to their life.
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Because, you know, we all know if mom or dad is miserable, and they're the primary caregiver, everyone's pretty miserable. And I'm not saying that you have to have a partner to be happy. I'm absolutely not saying there's a word for years and was perfectly happy. But they do mine.
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Definitely. They it's definitely added value. You know, the, the vibe is really different. They see that and they want that so
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true. My my bonus daughters say that when I come on holiday week, because because they've been on holidays with their dad on their own. And I've it's it's a little bit painful, because okay, but then I think it's important. Yeah, but they have said, Oh, when you come it's so much more fun.
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Yeah, they want to see, you know, the end of the day, they want us to be happy. A because they want us to be happy. And be because when we're happy, everything is nicer.
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Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Do discuss with your partner what sort of relationship you want.
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As a step parent, you know, it's worth having this conversation.
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So what are we trying to achieve here? If you know that you're both in Yeah, yeah. So it's, it's the whole thing always is about open communication bond first bond first, then, you know, have this structure so everybody knows that you're united front and that you back each other up. Yeah needs to be that way. It's critical. Yeah,
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the United Front thing is really important even because if you're, you know, even when we're taking the mick, I'm being taken aback make out, there is a definite vibe, you know that my partner has my back. This is just fun. Yes.
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And so when it comes to something like discipline, for example, where there were consequences that have been in place, you've all agreed what the consequences are. So, you know, step parent and parent, again, resist the urge to go in and tell them that they have to do you know, to enforce the consequence, you can just say you can report back to the real the biological parent, or you can explain to them that that's not we know, we all know, that's not acceptable behavior.
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But just resist the urge to go there. Because the experts all agree that the step parent shouldn't act as the chief disciplinarian. It doesn't mean to say you're your carpet. No, it shouldn't be feeling like you're being walked on.
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Yeah, there's a very big difference between having normal, normal human personal boundaries and parenting anybody else's kid. Yeah, you can tell them I don't like that. Yes. But that doesn't mean you have to.
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And I struggled
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with that a bit. I would see things happening and think, oh, yeah, I mentioned them to my husband, and he would be a bit lost. But you just have to resist any urge to step in. Yeah. When the biological parent is committing to some kind of action. You need to back them? Yeah. So it's, it's slightly, you need to be behind them. Not in the front.
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Team. Yes, your team. And then looking after yourself. Now Natalie made fantastic points about this while she's got it nailed. Yo, she's got a very complicated, very difficult set up. Both she and her partner have teenagers, they're living together, what they've got in place is a very strong establish relationship between she and her partner. Thursday night is their date night, no one is allowed to book anything on a Thursday night. It's not negotiable. And I think, wow. Because we all say, Oh, we're going to have a date night, but actually being able to say to the entire family, this relationships very, very important. Sacred. Yes, it's the rock of everything else that's happening around here, shows that you respect so the step parent is highly respected by the parent. And then everything is much easier. But another thing she told me that was really interesting when she said that, when there's a locked locked horns between the biological father and one of the children over something like schooling, she said, Well, oh, I can come in from the side. It's like a coach, like a friend. And it's great. We, as parents want to try and reach for that to be the coach, we okay, but sometimes, we get triggered, massively triggered, and actually they can, that's where the added value comes in. So being able to sit side by side with the teenager and say, Hey, I get it. Yeah, but maybe your dad's feeling this way. Because you can interpolate and I've done a lot of that where they've been angry about something and I and, and the two, the divorcees are angry with each other for something and I'm, the person will say, What did you think about this,
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that's amazing, that's been really valuable for you, I hope.
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Because it's very hard when you're a teenager to step out of your own anger, and as a parent, and as a parent, and be able to see the world from a different perspective. So that's a really valuable role that you can play
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amazing. I love the date night thing as well, because there's also this the, you know, the signal it sends, you know, and I think one of the most important things we can teach our kids or model actually, rather than teach is how, what does a good relationship look like? What does a loving, respectful, beautiful relationship looks like? Look like because they, you know, teenagers aren't so good at doing what we say they will they, they mirror us, and, you know, we're our biggest, we're their biggest role models, relationship wise. And, you know, we all know that your relationships are the, the or one of the most important things in their life. So in the future, they'll have this really lovely reference point in their subconscious of how to how to treat a woman how to treat a man how to treat your partner. And I think that is absolutely fundamental.
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I love that.
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And, and particularly, they've come from a situation where they've seen a family break heart, which must be incredibly painful, and the sense that because quite often children from that scenario will think I'm not doing that. That's awful. Yeah. Being able to see a healthy relationship
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and maybe they've also heard and seen and experienced, even if it's passive aggressive, or blatant, you know, what the their parents who are not together anymore, not being respectful, you know, actually being not very nice.
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And that's, that's terrible teaching. And we've had loads of people do it and there's, you know, there's a little bit of judgment there. I'm sure I've been, you know, we will it's the So getting divorced is really painful, really difficult and children experience things that are not great. But then to be have a new remodel, this is how you do it is really, really valuable.
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Yeah, I completely agree and laugh a lot. Yeah, laugh, laugh yourselves laugh at each other, you know what, however you can get laughter into this relationship. So coming back to it, it's basically bond First, create a united front in your family structure and a really strong bond where you back each other up and you and and if they're going to the they're saying, Oh, you're not my parent, be the when you're the biological parents, hey, we as Bond, be the person to step in.
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And just say you're actually that they're still very important. They can offer us roles. And we
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can practice, you know, this is where I think mindfulness is amazing, because we can two things in that one that we can really practice being present. You know, we have we often go into sort of future worst case scenario, if my step child or whatever you want to call them, is, maybe we're not connecting, and we're not clicking, it's difficult. That's going to be like that forever.
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It's going to be a disaster in a nanosecond, we're there. Yes. So practicing stepping back from that and going in, it's just today, it's just let the match Yes, yes, right now, it's really difficult. But tomorrow, it might be better. And really taking it day by day, day by day, step by step and it will change things change, and that being
00:26:24.210 --> 00:26:29.789
consistent with them, and just letting that go, will will calm them down.
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Because they will test right.
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Yeah, they
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will test and the other thing I think is really helpful is, as adults, we can try we can you know, access that really wise part of ourselves.
00:26:37.140 --> 00:26:45.539
They're not the emotionally somewhere in there somewhere.
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But you know, we don't have to go down to the teenage level of reactivity, which is really tempting and really easy to do.
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But we can stop and step back and go actually hang on a minute. What are the ways part of myself saying here? What do I need here? So that when we're told something that makes us triggered, and it's painful and difficult, we we manage it in an in an adult, mature way? Yeah,
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I remember that they didn't choose this. And when
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we don't manage that, which is also normal, we are kind to ourselves,
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because we are super human. Yes, exactly. We will make these terrible mistakes at times. So do you have a blended family? How much have you had to adapt? Have you managed to help each other? Or is your team's reactions causing a rift between you we'd love to hear from you. If you've enjoyed this episode, then why not help other parents, tell your friends tell the school, subscribe to our podcast and it would be a massive bonus if you left a review. You can also contact us using our own website where there's a blog reviews links to every episode and easy ways to contact both of us. www dot teenager's untangled.com And you can find out more about Suzy at
00:27:51.539 --> 00:27:57.390
WWW dot mindful hyphen life.co.uk.
00:27:57.930 --> 00:28:00.088
Great. Well that's it for now. Bye bye for now, bye bye.
