Transcript
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Hello and welcome to this special New Year's Day edition of teenagers untangled. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. What can I say?
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Thank you so much for all your reviews and questions and support. I'm going into 2025 with so much positivity about the year ahead for us parents today, it's just me, so I'm going to try and keep it short, and I'm going to talk about making resolutions and what I'll be focusing my attention on this year, some of the best books I've read this year, not all of which are new releases, and then your most downloaded episodes of teenagers untangled. But before I go any further, I have a TV recommendation. I'm always looking for TV recommendation.
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This is mine. It's called Love on the spectrum, and it's on Netflix. There are two series so far in which people on the autism spectrum who are looking for love are matched up, and we get to follow their progress on dates. I can't begin to tell you how uplifting and joyous my entire family found this program, including my husband, who never normally watches this sort of stuff. The makers of the show have an advisor who coaches those looking for love on I don't know how to treat their date, and I tell you what. It's everything I would want my kids to hear. They're taught to be honest with each other, ask for consent, and if they don't feel attracted to their date, they call and they tell the other person that you know, can we just be friends rather than just ghosting them? Trust me, it will leave you feeling so much happier about humanity. Now onto new year's resolutions. And if you followed me for a while, you'll know that I have created an entire episode and a blog about New Year's resolutions because I have a specific technique that I've developed over the years, which is helpful to me. Suzy isn't a fan of resolutions, and that's fine. In my experience, they've been completely transformative. But you do whatever works for you, it's not a problem. I won't go into the entire technique. You can read and listen to what I've said before by following the links in the Episode Notes. If you're not interested in New Year's resolutions, just click to the next part of this episode. What I will say is that I think it's vital to start by noting down everything you've achieved and how much you've grown over the past year. We all suffer from negative bias, and it's too easy to beat ourselves up. Don't waste time regretting it. It implies that there's some I don't know, more perfect version of your life that could have happened, but you'll never know. So move on. Also, if you didn't follow through with previous resolutions, then I believe it's either because they weren't that important after all, or because you picked a technique that didn't work for you. In my blog, I explain how to be methodical about this process. So last year, I realized I'd been neglecting my social life, so I decided to focus on relationships and spending more time with my friends who really nourished me.
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I'd say I'm friendly, but I'm not very social, so I said yes more often, and I was way more proactive about organizing things. Did it pan out exactly as I planned? No some attempts I made failed. Others were different from what I did tended but the overall effect was a massive increase in fun and making new connections, which is a brilliant result, in my opinion. Listener, Frankie, messaged me to say she feels like a fun sponge because she keeps saying no to things. An example she gave was that her kids would want to make sure hot chocolate in a kitchen, but she just cleaned it. So she says, I'll say no, then I'll regret it. And it clearly shows that it's an area of her life that she'd really like to change.
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Man, that's a perfect start. So I suggested she puts up a post it note, reminder, so that she is intentional. I like to put it right where I'd brush my teeth.
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Also, I think it's a good thing to tell your family to say, I noticed that I tend to say no, and it's not really what I want, so I'd like to change. Then when she does say no, she can stop to think about what's making her feel that way. And sometimes it's going to be a valid reason, which is important too, and sometimes it's just going to be a habit. Changing ourselves takes time and intention, but it's so much easier when we focus on one thing and we get our loved ones to support us. So good luck with that. Frankie, this year, I have two key things I want to work on, and I think they may well strike a chord with you. One of them is definitely going on my mirror by my toothbrush, which is that I'm going to focus on doing one thing at a time. This is different from habit stacking.
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The way I habit stack, for example, is I put my face cleanser on before I brush my teeth, then I remove it after, so I never forget to do either.
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It's a habit, so I don't have to think about it. What I'm talking about is the daily build up of tasks that cause me huge stress.
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And why has this become my focus? Well, do you remember the episode on concentration and the troubling effect of too many choices? I'm going to put all the links in the podcast notes, just in case you want good to go back to it. Basically, the number of things available to distract us is making it harder to pay attention and less satisfied when we. Do make a decision. Also in episode one nine, we talked about the enormous stress of parenting, and during that discussion, one thing I noticed was that whenever I focus on doing one task at a time, my stress load drops. I've just listened to a Freakonomics episode looking at what we know about multitasking, and the research has proven that what we are doing when we multitask is we're switching tasks. We're not doing two things at the same time. We're switching between them. And each time we switch, our stress levels increase. So I have evidence to back up my experience, and I'm going to be much more focused on ensuring I finish tasks before starting anything new, and I'm going to be very boundaried and clear with my family. I'm only going to do this and then going to move on to the next thing. And I think that's a really good thing to teach them to. Another thing I'm going to work on this year is routine maintenance. Now if you've been listening for a long time, you'll know that I came from a family that lacked healthy routine of any type.
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Much of this podcast is about me trying to figure out how to be a useful, capable human for the sake of myself, and so that I can teach it to my kids. Some of you will have been blessed, I know, with being taught a lot of these things. So forgive me if some of what I say seems obvious again, flick to the next section if it's boring you, but I share it because I know that there are going to be people like me who weren't given the gift of structure. So coming back to this, this subject, the light bulb moment came for me when I made episode 88 on how to reduce nagging using routine. And all of the you parents who have a solid family routine, you have less nagging. So that was a real I know that really woke me up.
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Then this week, I listened to a different Freakonomics episode that talked about how some cultures are more focused on maintaining things than others, and it got me thinking about how since the invention of plastic and disposable everything, the concept of maintenance has become far less important to westerners as a society, And I think we're more focused on innovation and driving things forwards, and you know, not worrying about whether something you know, you break it, you throw it out. This is not healthy for us or the planet.
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And the way this affects our home life is that there are lots of us who may not be one of them I know, who are so busy working on new things that we forget to build time in our day to maintain what we already have. I noticed it? Watching the way my very messy husband operates. He never makes any time for fixing things or tidying or organizing all of the stuff tends to be pushed to the edges of his to do list. They build up, and then when he needs to do it, it's a massive job. So I explained to him that I think we all need to become intentional about maintenance, intentional about having time in our day to do the maintenance, rather than squeezing it around. The other things we do, and it's just yawn making but we need to do this.
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One thing that's helped me is the five minute concept, if it will take five minutes, do it now. So when we all get up from a room to leave, I just say to everyone, let's take five minutes reset the room, back to how we found it, fluff the cushions, wipe the table, that way everything is always going to look good. And the same with the bathroom basins and toilets, etc. So none of this really takes much time, but without making it intentional and routine, it eventually becomes overwhelming. If everyone in the family follows the same routine, then the nagging disappears.
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Well, in my dreams anyway, I've also found that if my kids are leaving a mess, my feedback is far better received if I take responsibility. So I say, oh, I can see I haven't explained this well enough. So could I show you it again? We can't assume they'll pick it up from watching what we do, and kids need regular reminders of their responsibility, which is better if it doesn't make them feel bad about themselves. So that's a little trick that I've started using. And my younger said she'd like to have a family meeting once a week where we discuss our expectations of each other, and I tell her what needs to be done, because she doesn't like me nagging during the week. And I know this is a good thing to do, because I used to teach this in parent gym, but I haven't implemented it in my house. And I started to wonder why, and finally realized that it's because I don't want to have to take on all of the responsibility for explaining every job in the house. So I said to her, let's go one better. We'll discuss what we all think needs to be done. So you have to come to the table with what you've noticed. Then it's not up to me to constantly come up with the expectations, and hopefully we'll work together better as a team. I'll let you know how it goes right now. For the most interesting books I have read this year, in no particular order, 10 to 25 the science of motivating young people, by David Jaeger, I warn you, it's a huge book, and I think it could really be two books, but, but it will stay with me for a very long time, like a set of fine kitchen knives. That I will use time and again. What I love is that it's based on science, but illuminated by real stories that show ways in which we can turn the science into practice. So you know how obsessed I am with keeping it real. Anyway, he even admits that a lot of the scientific thinking about parenting happens in quiet offices while parenting isn't actually happening. So my key takeaway is the clear explanation of how we see young people in the wrong way. He calls it the neurobiological incompetence model. When we take that viewpoint, it stops us from helping our kids to achieve their best. He explains how just seeing them differently makes it possible to develop a mental mindset and that will get the best out of them. I also love how he's an advocate of the do over you get it wrong with your child. You say, sorry, you try again. I love it, because my kids tell me all the time that my willingness to admit I'm wrong and try again gives them permission to make mistakes themselves and to feel genuinely connected with me. Number two, the Essential Guide to raising complex kids with ADHD anxiety and more, what parents and teachers really need to know to empower complicated kids with confidence and calm. This is by Elaine Taylor class. It isn't a new book, but I read it this year, and I found it packed with guidance and loads of tips on raising a neurodivergent kid.
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And look, it's not just the techniques that I thought was helpful, it's the way it made me feel about having a child who needs a bit more help and support. Elaine has been through all of this herself, and one of the hardest things, I think, for parents like us is the need to recalibrate our expectations so we set sensible goals, and we get the most out of the child we have, rather than wishing things were different. But the key thing is, she does say, Keep a vision of what your child can attain for them. Say, I believe in you. I believe you can do this, and it really helps them to stretch themselves. Number three, sexism and sensibility the guide to understanding and dismantling sexism for parents trying to raise confident and powerful girls in a culture that often demeans them. And this is by Joanne Finkelstein. This is like a bomb going off in my head. I have four girls, and I thought I was pretty aware, but this book made me realize I have been avoiding talking about certain issues, because I don't want to undermine my girls opportunities and their belief that they can achieve what they want. But as Joanne points out, when we do this, we deny our girls the chance to frame their experiences in a healthy way or actually push back against messages that they internalize.
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Is not about creating a victim mindset is about arming them.
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There were so many brilliant points made in the book, and I one that really stayed with me was that girls are constantly reminded to think about how they look, and this robs them of the chance to excel, because every time we think about how we look, it takes us out of our flow state. So another book just before I move on, that I read, which I thought really helped with this kind of girls and their relationships was when girls fall out by Andrew Hampton, and he's a former head teacher who now runs a Schools program called Girls on board. I interviewed him. He's trying to help teachers understand the rocky sea girls find themselves in when they hit puberty. This book helps us parents to see what's actually happening with girlfriends, what's happening with girlfriendships, why it's so fraught in the teen years, and suggest ways in which we can support our girls. It's short, very clear, great read. Oh, another one. Hold on to your kids. I love that. This is what this is one of my favorite books. It really is one of my favorite books. It really struck a chord with me why parents need to matter more than their peers by Dr Gordon Neufeld and Grabel matte. It's another old book.
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It's not new, but it's I don't know. It just was more clear about everything else that I've read and how I feel about parenting than any other book, and it talks about why it's important to keep connected with our kids as they go through puberty, and to be clear with them about our values. Now, instead of focusing on the latest parenting mantras, it's all about how we keep close to them and how we instill our own family values, hierarchy and connection, and use all those things as a powerful protection for our kids when they're in a hostile, sexualized youth culture. It's really, really good. The publication of anxious generation by Jonathan Haidt now that's going to go down as a watershed moment in the narrative around digital media and raising kids. The book itself is, well, it's an excellent explanation of the way in which handing our kids devices from a young age has interrupted the flow of childhood and the natural risk taking. And you know that it's neuro protective, this with this, this risk taking that are we used to let our kids do, and instead, we've replaced it with access to a world in which our kids. Being socialized in a way that makes them really anxious, and they're being exposed to things well beyond their age group that they should have been exposed to. So it's a must read, purely because it's finally made decision makers stop and take note of what's happening and actively consider whether we need to do far more to stop these big tech companies from influencing our kids and exposing them to a world that's just not healthy for them developmentally, another narrative that's being challenged at the moment our obsession with grades in education. Two books came out at almost the same time in both America and the UK. It was really extraordinary. I interviewed Sammy Wright about his book, and as I was sort of putting stuff about it in LinkedIn, I noticed another one had just been published.
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Amazing. Anyway, these books pick apart what is wrong with our focus on grades and how we need to think about the way we give feedback in education. It's long been known that if you put a grade on a paper and then you also write an explanation of how this child can grow and improve.
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It's only the grade that they're going to look at. So one of the books is called failing our future, how grades harm school students and what we parents can do about it. That's written by an academic, Joshua Ayler. It's very sort of structured. And then examination why our obsession with grades fails, everyone is by Sammy Wright, and that's more of a narrative explanation littered with lots of laugh out loud anecdotes. And if you're a teacher or a parent who's questioning the system, then read one of them, at least.
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The links to the interviews are in my podcast notes. And finally, if you've noticed, like I have, that boys and men are struggling. I mean, there are horrifically high suicide rates, difficulties with defining masculinity. And boys are falling behind in school compared to girls. Now there's a really interesting read, which is of boys and men by Richard Reeves. He's the father of three sons, a journalist and now the president of the American Institute for boys and men, and in his book, he explains how massive social and economic challenges have impacted boys and men. The lives of women have changed, but the lives of many men have remained the same or worsened. Reeves looks at the structural challenges that face boys and men, and it's important for us to know this if you're raising boys, or even if you're raising girls and you're we're talking about inequity, it's really important that we don't just bang one drum. It's important that we look across the board and say, oh, we need to tweak this here. And I think boys are there are structural challenges which are causing problems. But he talks about how we can tackle some of those problems. And I'm not a fan of pitting these sections of population against each other, so we need to all rise together.
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So I do think let's, let's be more conscious about how we can help boys through education. And if your boys are failing, it's not just your boys. There's a whole thing going on at the moment. Another one which was really useful and really interesting was Leonard Sachs's book, boys adrift, and that's more about the and what's happening in America, but this kind of failure to launch and the cultural malaise for around boys and the sort of society they're living in, really, really interesting. Again, have a look at that one if that's something you're interested in.
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Finally, I thought you might like to know which were the top five downloaded episodes that I produced this year. In fifth position number 80, a general chat with Susie on taking things personally, coping with adversity, teen love and changing our minds when we get new information. In fourth position number 110 motivation.
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How to motivate your teenager?
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It's that interview with the eminent psychologist David Jaeger, you know, the one who wrote the book. In third position number 77 standards, setting high expectations without the pressure. This has fascinated me so much. It's such an important topic, I can see it is for all of us. In second position number 88 again, I've already mentioned it nagging, reducing the friction, using the magic of routine. But by far the most popular is number 93 screen time for tweens and teens, the latest on what works and what doesn't. And I tell you that we all all struggle with this. So have a listen to that again. If you want to pass it on to other people, tell me if I didn't cover enough, tell me if you want me to say more about it.
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And that's it for today's episode. I hope I've inspired you to think about what you've achieved in 2024 be kind to yourself. Think about perhaps what you'd like to change in 2025 little tweaks.
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You can find my previous episodes on that just go through the podcast notes. Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoy this, why not send it to at least one other person? And look, you know, it would be amazing to get a five star review. You can find all of the links in the podcast notes, and you can search all of the older.
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Episodes@www.teenagersuntangled.com there's a kind of episode section, and then there's a search, sort of word search at the top of it. One final thing, just the fact that you care enough to listen to this podcast makes you a great parent. You're not perfect, of course, just doing the very best you can with what you have. Don't forget that. Have a great week. You.
