Transcript
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Rachel, hello and welcome to teenagers.
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Untangled the audio, hug for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Talking a bonus. We're going to have a special bonus episode. We're trying this out. Don't know if it's going to work. Hopefully it will, my lovely older daughter, Phoebe, has agreed to come into the studio and just, let's shoot the breeze. Let's talk about an issue that someone has asked us to talk about, and welcome Phoebe.
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Thank you.
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This works. If we like this, we can do more of this. So the first issue I put, I put up on social media, on Instagram, specifically, is there any particular issue you would like us to talk about? And the answer, one of the key answers that we got back was the first issue we ever had, which was weight gain. And I asked for more information, and I got none. So we but it's great, right? It's just an excellent open question. Let's talk about it. So obviously this is quite a big issue for women. I think it's also a growing issue for young young men. And I have covered this in a couple of episodes. We've talked about how to talk about your body without being sort of giving your kid body issues. We've talked about how to help your child be get some healthy eating without giving them an eating disorder.
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I've also had an eating disorder specialist talking on the program. I've had a woman on the program called Elise resh who's talked about sort of going away from the whole diet culture. So I've tried to cover it from a few different angles. Yeah, should we just start off with puberty? You know, a lot of girls you, you're in a school of it's a co ed school, and I've been through that more recently.
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Yes, and you, and also, yeah, so, so should we just talk about how puberty you're nearly 18, yeah, so you've come out to the other end of the critical phase of this puberty. Talk about before puberty and how you viewed yourself compared to where you got to with puberty.
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Yeah. I mean, it's a really interesting one, because I think, like prior to going through puberty, you are you are just a child, and you see yourself that way, and you behave that way. And for me, I had no awareness of how I looked like. I was always very content with how I looked before going through puberty. And I just never, kind of gave any thought to my body. It just wasn't something that was a priority for me. You know, it was meaning like friendships and things like
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that. And I think part of that to jump in was because I actively ring fence to Yeah, and I made sure nobody commented on your body, yeah, because it felt really important to me, yeah, partly because of my background, but, but I did actually have to stop a member of our family who said, who commented on the way you looked, yeah. And I just said, Don't you ever comment on my children in their presence like that.
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Yeah. And it's very it's very important, kind of laying the foundations for, like, a healthy relationship with your body. Even as a child, when the child isn't aware of it, they're kind of, like, going through puberty. Girls should be aware, like, when they're going through that phase that obviously it's a period of massive change, you know, like, your hormones are going crazy, and it's so normal to gain like, weight, because your body is is, like, doing that in preparation for, you know, a huge, like, stage of growth. Yes,
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I think that happens just before people Yeah, the things they do is your body puts on fat, and the fat actually signals to your body, oh, we're ready to Yeah.
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And actually, you know, it's an essential part of the menstrual cycle, which is why, when people go through eating disorders or things like that, they lose a lot of weight like that's why you your period tends to stop. Potentially might stop is that you don't have enough fat to sustain that. And so actually, that it is essential to prepare your body, you know, for going through that. But I feel like, like there isn't enough awareness about that, or, you know, like normalizing weight gain when you know you go through puberty and so. And I think also, so do you
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think Sorry to keep jumping? So do you think that telling girls before they maybe even get to that point?
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Yeah, that just so, you know, you're probably going to put on some weight. It's okay. Don't 100% 100%
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and and also, you know, the way that you see yourself, changes a lot during that time.
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So I found that I became aware of the way that I looked when I hit puberty. It was genuinely like someone to switch we Oh,
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really, so literally, like outside you, rather, necessarily, yeah, I
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don't think there was any external factor that affected it. I think I just, you know, suddenly, like, I. My mind switched on, and I was like, oh, okay, so, you know, like, I have gained weight, and I just became aware of it. I was like, Okay, I don't look the way that I don't feel the way that I did before.
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I don't look the way that I do did before, and, and obviously, you know, that's due to a lot of chemical changes as well that's going on in your brain, because it can be quite a distressing time, you know, like, oh, hugely, you know, you're like, I'm changing. I don't like this.
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I want to stay a child. Like, what's going on? Why is this happening to me? And so kind of going through a change, like weight gain, can kind of just compound all of that. And so I feel like just, just, kind of being, obviously, like, being there for your child, but also making them aware that, like, that's so normal. So normal, and having that awareness as a parent as well. Because there are some parents who who like, might like, you get a bit scared when their child goes through this period of weight gain, even if they have awareness about, you know, people like weight gain during puberty, but they might think, Oh, my God, my child has gained weight like, they might not be healthy anymore. Like, just, just let that.
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What about if the parent sees that their diet dramatically changes, and they panic and think, Oh, also, what's happening now is they're starting to eat badly. Of course, when you become a teenager, you have more control over your diet, you know when?
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Yeah, because when you were kids, you know, parents used to put out the little snacks and things. You had a lot of control over a child. Control over a child's diet,
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yeah. Well, I think it's obviously natural for your appetite to change, you know, again, like we're going through puberty, like you're going to accommodate for that. But also, you know, you might just start eating differently. And I think, I mean, you've covered this in other in other podcasts, but just kind of not being, like, outwardly kind of critical, or something like, not Don't, don't drop small comments that come across as passive aggressive or anything like that. Like, try to be really gentle and and, like, potentially guide them towards, you know, like, better ways of eating. But like, don't be critical at all, because the child themselves are going through this kind of inner conversation already in their mind about, you know, like everything, their school, their friends, their their body is like with puberty and and having that kind of external pressure from a parent of, like, a you need to think about what you're eating and, you know, it just like, adds to everything. So, such an important point? Yeah, and it's not a priority for the child at the time, like the way that they're eating, that's not what their main focus is. What's their main focus? Well, it's, it's kind of, yeah, no, genuinely, I read,
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I've been reading a really fantastic book about this, and when they did some functional MRI scans of teenage brains, and they used their audio of their mother nagging them about something, and they could see what was happening in the brain if the mother was critical, the parts of the brain that were emotional were lit up like Christmas trees, and the bits of the brain so the prefrontal cortex, where you can make decisions and plan ahead dead, because they're just angry, yeah, and it doesn't help at all. Yeah, it
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doesn't help. They're not listening. So, yeah, so don't be pushy, you know, just just trust that it will kind of sort its way out. And you can be guy, you know, you can lead them and be gentle, but don't Yeah, but I got this wrong.
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I got this wrong. I and I the thing I got wrong because we talked about this, and you went through a phase of losing weight dramatically, yeah. And I was terrified when I saw that, and when we talked about it, it took a long time, yeah. I mean, I jumped in straight away, and I said, you're not doing this.
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This isn't happening. And I was actually quite I was quite earnest, yeah, my decision you were not allowed to get into an eating disorder cycle. People around you were also in having disordered eating, weren't they?
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Yeah, so that sort of normalizes, yeah, trying to control you. So can you talk a bit more about how other girls were managing their diet?
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Yeah, I think, I think it's a really big thing, and it's interesting, because when I look around me now with the same people, all of us, or most of us, have kind of come away from that, and we've all grown a lot, and, like, we've all got a lot more healthy relationships with our bodies. And I just think, like, for some people, that is a coping mechanism of going through extreme periods of change. And, you know, as I was saying before, like puberty, that is one of them. And so that can be a coping mechanism,
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or in a way, to gain, yeah, exactly.
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I can't control anything exactly control my body. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, yeah, when you're going through a huge change, like, you can turn to that. And so I think, like, especially within girls, there's so much comparison, there's so much comparison, and, you know, with boys as well, like, but it but, you know, it manifests in different ways, but, and it's really easy to look around, you know. You at the other people, and you respect your peers, and everyone is just trying to fit in.
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Well, you're now oriented, yes, being the most important thing is fitting in
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exactly. And so you're thinking, okay, so if a lot of people are doing this, then I'm meant to do that too.
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And you said to me that actually what was happening was almost all the girls were going through a disordered eating pattern. And it was things like they were either trying to suppress their their appetite, or what they were doing was eating junk and then panicking, yeah, oh my goodness, I can't, you know, I can't get that, and then eating nothing, yeah, for the next meal. And then, yeah,
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you saw a lot of that.
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Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And
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what can parents do? I suppose it's just about preparing them to know that this can happen and it's that they're supported. Yeah, I
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think, yeah. I think just, you know, it's really hard when you're in that environment, to remove yourself from that because as like, as we were saying, the most important thing in your mind is to fit in. And so it's really difficult to step back and say, like, I'm not going to do this. I want to maintain a healthy relationship with myself and my body and and things like that. But, but, yeah, I think it's, I think it's really important for parents just to to help them with that and and let them know that, you know, like this isn't normal. It will change. Like this isn't the way that you need to try to fit in. And you know, like it will stabilize eventually, but you've literally just got to focus on yourself, and that's so difficult to do, especially with I mean, this is a huge point, but with social media, I think kids now more than ever, are struggling with this because like social media is so it's like omnipresent, like you cannot escape it, and so we're constantly not only comparing yourself to your peers, but you're also looking online. And you know, you're seeing all of these beautiful people online, which is what you're getting pedaled, because those are the people who get the most attraction, absolutely no. And the
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same with boys that, you know, the ones who've got the big exactly the ones that get sent out in the algorithm,
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exactly likes. And then boys are like, Okay, well, I want to look like that, and so that, you know, they end up with a healthy, unhealthy relationships with gym and bulking, cutting, things like that. And I just think, you know, like, as I was saying, it's just, it's not, it's not real. It's so unrealistic. But it's difficult when you're a young, a young you know, person, to actually differentiate between that and understand what reality is. And something that's really interesting is what I don't think a lot of girls realize, and this took me a very long time to realize, is that the people that you're seeing online, they're not your age, they're not 12, they're not 12, they're they're 18. People do they're 20, they're 25 Yeah, they're not 12, yeah, they're not 13, they're not 14. And so it is impossible, no matter what you do to your body, no matter how much you restrict, or how much weight you gain, or you know, whatever you do, how much you exercise, you will not look like them, because you have not come out the other end of your growth, such a beautiful point.
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But it's true, though. And and you like you will not have that womanly figure. You will not have, you know, you cannot get to that point. And, and I think girls are fixating on this, because this is what they're seeing in social media, and they're going, I want to look like that, because these women are gorgeous. You know, they're really beautiful, but that is impossible, no. And
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I love that point, and I think it's what's so interesting about that is I've been obsessing recently about rites of passage, and the fact that we don't have rites of passage in our Western society, there were some religions that have them. You know, the Jewish religion, they had the Shabbat.
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And I've looked at them and thought, gosh, they haven't really young, yeah. And actually, this book, again, this book I've been reading, which I'll put in the podcast notes, was, is talking about how we at that point of puberty where they just start moving into puberty, they're looking towards the being an adult. They want to be an adult. So it's, it's obvious that they would be looking at that thinking, Oh, that's what it is. I want to signal that I'm now, you know, more of an adult, because then that gives them kudos in their peer group as well. Yeah. But they're not ready, yeah.
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And that's the thing.
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And, you know, like that.
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They'll look at, you know, the way that certain people looking at and like their bodies and things like them. They're like, why can't I have that? And they don't understand that you can't achieve that without growing, you know, like without getting to that age and that point in, in the in your body, in your body's, you know, period of growth. Um. And, and, but they don't understand. And so they think, oh, you know, like, I'll have that body of I do this, but you've just got to say to your child, you know, like, this is just unattainable for you because you're not that aged, yeah. And you've just got to, you know, that might, that can come for you, but later when, when your body finds its natural course, and once you're done growing,
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and you're such physically and mentally, you are such a different person, yes, and yet you're still the same person, yeah, and it, but it's the it's a phenomenal change.
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And the same for your sister I've seen and your older sisters, they still, they still change year and year. I see growth and change. And what about the way that we parents think and talk about ourselves?
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And I'm going to start start this by talking about the environment I grew up in, because I think a lot of parents will have been exposed to the environment I was exposed to.
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Now I'm old as a parent, and I was a teenager in the 80s, and in the UK in the 80s, it was very much a growth mindset in terms of money and finance and but not in terms of emotions or thinking you didn't so greed is good. You want a friend, get a dog. Those are some of the things that were coming out of the films at the time. And it was very much a culture of being thin. And was it we had, well, we had, I think that came a little bit later. We had Madonna. Madonna was gorgeous.
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She had a bit of puppy fat, but she was just and I, but I really grew up, and my parents were obsessed with weight and talked all the time about diets, and were always overweight, stroke, obese and and I think, you know, I thought we you're not very good at this. You say that this is important, so I'm going to show you how to do and I think, but that was all around us. It was very much, and we'd wear really super skinny jeans. We would tighten them so much lie down to pull them on, it was just insane. Yeah, you're right groups, exactly. And I think that we grew up with this culture, and so when you're trying to raise kids in a culture that shifted in a really positive way, it can be a mental shift for parents trying to get trying to divorce ourselves from that way of looking at things and become a better person. So it's a journey for us too. Yeah.
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So talk to me about how parents talk about their own bodies and think and how that impacts on a teenager. Yeah.
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I mean, as you say, it's so difficult, especially when like you, when you've grown up with these you're surrounded by these beliefs, those kind of become cemented for you. And so even when you try to change the way that you behave, the way that you speak, it's very difficult to actually detach from that in your mindset. You know, I feel like that's a bigger leap. But in terms of, you know, being around your kids, um, don't comment on the way that you look. Don't ever show yourself to be speaking badly about the way that you you know, the way that you feel about your body, or you know, or don't. Don't be like, Oh, I've gained weight. Like, and make that a negative thing, because children are so attuned to that they're so finally, you know, like attuned to that because you're their parents, you know, they look up to you. They They hang on to every single word that you say, especially when they're young, you know, like you're, you're the people that they look up to, and so they hear you, you know, speaking negatively about yourself in that way that they they then think that that's acceptable, that that's a good, you know, that's something that they should be doing to themselves.
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And they ended up, end up kind of embracing that same mindset,
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because you're that half of their DNA came from you exactly.
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Well, yeah, so that they're thinking, firstly, that's kind of setting the scene as that it's acceptable to see yourself in this way that, like, you know, you can be commenting about your body and think badly about it as well, but also, as you say, like we've come from you, you know, we share your DNA, and so if you're speaking badly about yourself, and then, you know, we're thinking, well, we've, we're related to you like that, that I've got the same features as you. So if you're being negative about yourself, your child then adopts that.
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Because they think, Well, you know, when people
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say, Oh, you look like your mom. And you think, my mom says,
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she looks so what does that say about me? You
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know, such a,
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such a good point. So I just think, you know, it's so important to have and even if, even if you're not feeling good, because this is the thing, it never stops, you know, you everyone goes through periods where they don't feel good about the way they look. That's just, that's natural, you know? And it's normal for weight to fluctuate, like we sometimes game weeks. We sometimes lose weight. That's so normal, and that's that continues throughout your life, but do not voice that to your kids, yeah, so really, because they adopt it. And I think, like you said, you know, you created such a safe space when I was young, where I never heard any negative comments about the way that I looked, and that was so essential. And I think even if you're not directly commenting on the way that your child looks, your self talk is so important as
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well. And do you remember times when I was negative self talking
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about yourself? Yes, or like, just things like, Oh, I've, you know, I've eaten, eating really badly, or just things like that, you know? And it's hard, and
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you hear it, no, no, it's fine. I'm totally up for admitting my failures, because I'm a human being, and we are doing these things wrong, and it's only by admitting it that we can grow.
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But now, like whenever Amelia and I hear it, we just look at each other and laugh like we don't really something like that. We'll just look at each other, you know,
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because actually, I would say that I'm probably more recently in the best space I've ever been with my body. And I think, but
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what's interesting is that we've picked up on that as well, have you? Yeah, interesting.
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And I would say one thing that's been really healthy is spending time with emilia's friends. Yeah, when I took them away, and it's such an interesting thing, because they are all so comfortable in their bodies, and they're all different body shapes. You've got the super, super skinny one who's who's actually signed up to a modeling agency, and you've got the much larger girl, and they're all gorgeous. They're all beautiful. You look at them and you're like, you are just so beautiful. And the irony is that that men generally, if you ask them, they, they don't want super they, you know, they, it's a it's something, okay, I'm gonna say this, because the thing about women is they're really tough to design for.
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Yeah, because they're all different shapes, and they're wonderful. These different shapes are just amazing. But the fashion industry doesn't like it because it makes it much harder to design. And so you have to actually pick your brand, because your brand will have the block that works for your shape.
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And so what they do is they try to reduce women to this stick thin person because they're much easier to dress Yeah, all right, that's really what's going that's all that's going on here.
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And, you know, can we please have some more, more shapes, please? Can we have some bigger girls, something? And that's happened. And what, I think, what's actually happened when I spent time with those girls is I just stopped thinking about what I looked like, because no one, no one cares. No one cares. And it's so liberating, so liberating. Oh, it's so liberated. And I think about men, and you know, I've had friends of mine who said, Oh, I, you know, I can't wear a bikini.
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And I go, Well, why not? And she says, Oh, I think my body's past it. And I say, have you looked at the men around you? Yeah, you know, why are they not?
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Yeah, there are men in budgie smugglers, but,
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you know, and that's okay. Look, I don't care what people are doing, because we need to step back from all of the judgment and
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and and just getting it into your child's mind that, firstly, one thing that you always used to say to me, and I still like to adopt this, you know, this mindset whenever I'm not feeling so good about myself, is that your appearance is the least important thing about you, and if other people are making that something important about you, then they're not the right people for you. They're not the people you should be surrounding yourself with, because they don't see you for who you are. And also that, you know, again, if there was ever a photo taken of me, and I didn't think that I looked too good in it, but it was a photo of me and lots of other people, you would always remind me, well, they're not looking at you, they're looking at themselves. And this is the thing we walk around the world in our own mind, and most of the time, we're not thinking about what other people are doing.
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Like when I look at my friends, I look at them and I'm like, You are all beautiful people, but I have become, I become blind to how they actually physically look, because I just see them for who they are, and I see them as people that I love. And this is the thing, you know, like other people aren't picking up on how you look, they don't get I love. They don't, you know, yes,
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I love that point, and I think that's absolutely spot on, and we need to, I think that's, they call it the spotlight, yeah, where we walk around feeling like we're in the spotlight and we're very, yeah, and it's very, very much a teenager thing. And when do we drop that? When do we actually start to diffuse? I got it attached, and it's a hard thing to do. And I think because we're all main characters on our own plate, yeah, nobody here is a is a walk on
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character moment.
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You think about my life story, I'm not a I'm not a bit part character. I'm not sort of playing second I me, right? And it's natural that we would think that way. You've got your own narrative, but it doesn't help us when we're getting obsessed with our the way we look. So it's really good. To remind ourselves of what, exactly what you're saying, yeah, that other people aren't they're not actually looking
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Yeah, and the negative self talk, just, you know, don't be critical, you know, like, we're all allowed to have bad periods where, you know, you get up in the morning and look in the mirror and just think, like, you Yeah, like, I'm just not a fan of how I'm looking today, and that's so fine, you know, yes, but just kind of like removing the importance from that and just going like, I'm allowed to to look like this, because it doesn't matter. And
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one of the reasons I haven't, I mean, it takes a lot to set up a studio so that you can actually have a video. It's it's still not there yet for a lot of it. But one of the reasons I haven't gone in that direction is because I don't want to distract from the the real thinking part of this to actually having a visual element, because it's, it's more stressful, because then you do start thinking, Oh, do I look acceptable, but that's, but I think that's, it would be a good thing to move beyond that and stop worrying about whether it looks right or not. Yeah.
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Problem is, social media has all of that in
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it. And also, you know, if people don't like the way that you look, then they won't, don't look. But literally, though, exactly, that's what, that's the mindset that they've started adopting. Like, if you don't like the way that I look, then I'm not. I'm not doing anything for you. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not I'm I'm not gonna change how I look or who I am to suit you, because that's not how I am. I've spoken to people about this, and, you know, I've heard lots of different people's opinions, and I can guarantee you, every single child has gone through a phase of dressing in a way that they regret now, but 100% like, I look at some pictures of myself and I went through a leggings phase. Why did, why did you let me look like that? It's character building. You know, it is, it is, though and and when you first start at school, you know, you want to fit in. You want to have the shoes that everyone else has. You want to have the things that everyone that everyone else has. And as a parent, even if you like, don't think that that's the right thing for your kid, or, you know, you don't like that, just go along with it, because that's what's going to in that moment.
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That's what's going to make your child happy, you know, that's what they want, and that's going to help them fit in. And if that makes them feel good about themselves then, then, like, help them with that.
00:27:22.640 --> 00:27:24.200
But what if they keep coming back? Okay?
00:27:24.200 --> 00:27:25.099
Well, I need this now. And
00:27:25.099 --> 00:28:02.039
I need this now. Well, I mean, obviously don't, like, buy them every single thing that they want, but, but, I mean, I said this to you yesterday. I think attraction comes entirely from confidence. Yeah. I think, like, attractiveness, yes. And, you know, someone can be not conventionally good looking, but if they are completely comfortable in their start, and they can wear the most outrageous things as well, but if they're just confident in what they're wearing, and they're doing it their way, and they're just so attractive, completely at ease, that is when you look at someone, you go, Oh my God, they're so attractive.
00:27:57.819 --> 00:28:50.200
Because, you know, and so I feel like part of that, and, you know, the way that you're dressing and trying to fit in and everything, that's just part of the journey of finding what you know, you're testing the waters, and that's a part of being teenagers, like you're just experimenting or trying on different costumes and thinking, Oh, does this fit for me? So, like, my style has been a massive progression, like, it's been a huge Absolutely, it's been a big curve, and I've got to the point where I feel like I am able to choose clothing where I really express myself, and that's and that brings out my confidence, and that's when I feel most good about the way that I look, is when I wear something I feel good about myself in it. And it's not that I'm fitting in, and it's just about, you know, tailoring things to how to what makes you feel good, and things that you feel brings out the best. And
00:28:50.200 --> 00:29:28.579
I saw that happening with you and your friends probably around 1617, that's when it starts to, you can see it go, yeah, starting to calm down, yeah. Starting to sort of, and I don't know the extent which, on our feet, yes, and I don't know whether it's the extent to which in the UK schooling system there's this kind of you're all funneled down track until GCSE, which is at 16, yeah, you've got to do certain range of subjects, and then you can pick, yeah, and at that point you've got some free periods. You've got some, you know, you just become more your own person. Do you think that has any bearing on this, or is it 100%
00:29:28.940 --> 00:29:48.819
agree? I think GCS uses a big period of growth for everyone. You learn a lot about yourself in that in that time, and also you learn about what matters most to you and what your priorities are. And I feel like that comes into the whole kind of self perception thing.
00:29:44.980 --> 00:30:13.859
And as I was saying, you know, you learn about about yourself and also what what you how you feel you want to present yourself to the world. And, yeah, so, like I have. Just every single year, I've just got more confident, more happy with just who I am in the way that I look, and, you know, things like that, and, and I think, I think everyone gets to that point, but it, but it's a journey, and people have got to realize that.
00:30:11.099 --> 00:30:32.119
And can't hurry it. No, you can't hurry it. And, and the, the honest truth is, you cannot change the way that your biology has made you look. It's all about just, it's all about confidence and just being happy in yourself. And I know that's so easy, that's much more easy said than done, but, but people will get to that point, and you've just got to, you've just got to go along with it, you
00:30:33.380 --> 00:30:52.359
know? And I think as parents, understanding the journey the child is taking is one of the most important things, I think, having compassion for the stress that they're under, and just being able to say, Wow, I can see that that's hard, and then try because that we want to fix things. You know, we've been through this pain ourselves.
00:30:52.359 --> 00:30:56.019
It's horrible, and we want to make it go away, and we can't.
00:30:56.019 --> 00:31:03.299
And I think that's one of the hardest things. Is there anything else about sort of weight gain or or any of that that you think we should have mentioned.
00:31:05.759 --> 00:31:18.299
I think, I think coming back to social media, there's been a massive move more, not really movement that kind of something on the rise at the moment, which is the almond bomb. A lot of people will be what
00:31:18.299 --> 00:31:22.579
is that? You don't know what that? No, I do not know. Tell me, ah,
00:31:24.380 --> 00:32:43.900
with this, yeah, I'm chronically online. But an almond mom is basically, I'm not sure what the the origins are, but the reason why it's called an almond mom is because, like, she'll go for the almonds rather than, like, the chocolate or something like that, you know, like, like, all the crisps, like, but, but it's, you know, the kind of, the trope of, like the mother who's constantly like, oh, you know, you mustn't eat the crisps. You know, we have, we have kale chips in the oven for you. Well, no, no. But the reason why I want to touch upon this. Yes, is that? Like, it's very easy to think that, you know, like, as a parent, that you're doing the right thing by prioritizing health, yeah. And I think balance is so essential, and you very important. You've got to like, I feel like, throughout my journey with kind of weight gain, weight loss and just getting comfortable with myself like, you've kind of been not on a similar journey. But I journey, but like, like, we've all been changing as well in the way that we view food and our bodies and things like that. Because I remember when we when we were younger, like, we had very different diets. I don't know what do you mean. Well, you know, Amelia and I, like, we used to eat a lot of, like, just random junk food and things like that. No, it's true, though.
00:32:44.079 --> 00:32:48.099
Like, I remember, you know, getting Chris a lot, and I don't know we're
00:32:48.099 --> 00:33:14.220
not from our we didn't eat Chris. Oh, Daddy is Daddy, maybe. But you know what it is? It's because I've stopped buying crisps or and when he buys them, he has to keep them in his car, because that's a snack ban, yeah, every now and then he wanders out to his car and gets his snacks, yeah, crisps, like, because he used to buy kettle chips, yeah, I remember, yeah, darling, don't have them in the house because I'll eat them. Like, I don't actually feel good, but
00:33:14.220 --> 00:33:23.119
that's the thing. But I feel like, but I think that we've, we've got to a point where, I mean, obviously, like, we care about our health and we care about, you know, eating.
00:33:23.119 --> 00:33:42.700
Well, yeah, um, but it's not rigid, but it's not rigid. And I think having that flexibility, and just like having, you know, that balance is so essential, there isn't good food. So even if, yeah, even as if you as a parent, are trying to improve your diet, and maybe you're, you're, maybe you're on a diet, like, maybe you're trying to cut out certain things. Don't do it.
00:33:42.759 --> 00:34:29.420
Don't do it because, no, genuinely, because your kids will pick up on it. Yeah, even if they they're not letting you know, like kids are noticing your every single move, every single comment. We're very, you know, tuned in, um, but, but just make sure that that you're letting them know that you're you've got that balance. And then, you know, like, it's fine to enjoy, you know, junk food every now and then, or, like, you know, not even that. It's called, you know, don't even label as junk food. It's just, like, it's just food. It's just food in different forms, you know, ultra processed food, whatever. But like, it's fine if you have that every now and then, and make sure your child knows that even if you're trying to give them a healthy lifestyle, because that, but you know, they shouldn't be beating themselves up about how they feel completely when they eat.
00:34:27.199 --> 00:34:29.420
You know, yes,
00:34:30.438 --> 00:34:37.099
and it's all around us, and it's not something that you can completely cut out. Yeah, and, or should it's
00:34:37.280 --> 00:34:42.099
Oh. And also, another thing, same with finishing your plate.
00:34:42.820 --> 00:34:43.659
Oh yeah, no.
00:34:43.719 --> 00:34:49.420
Like, that is, I'm just sorry to any listeners like, Please don't make your kids do that.
00:34:49.659 --> 00:35:04.500
And I've been through that. So as a child, growing up, I had that was the culture of my generation. So my parents were war, my mother went through the war and. Her attitude was, basically, we keep everything, you eat everything.
00:35:04.860 --> 00:35:20.960
And it was, you know, you have to fit. And I remember as, I remember as a young girl, we once went out to a pizza restaurant, and I must have been about, actually 12, maybe, and they put this big pizza in front of me, and I cried, yeah, because I thought, I can't eat all that. And that's a horrible thing to put on someone.
00:35:21.079 --> 00:35:44.739
But I think I 100% agree, and I just think children we like when you're young, you are listening to your body, yeah, like you are very much in tune as a child with your body and the way that you feel. And if your body needs something, you will seek that out, right?
00:35:40.900 --> 00:35:59.500
So, so if, obviously, as a child, all you want to do is, like, eat ice cream and junk food, isn't it? You know, like, like, that's just, and if we had free reign, like, we would do that as kids. So obviously you need guidance and things like that. But just your kid will stop eating when they're full.
00:35:55.300 --> 00:36:12.119
Yeah, and, and you just need to be happy with that. I agree. And I think also, like, this might be a really controversial opinion, but I think telling your child no no pudding until you finish the play is not a good thing. Why do you think?
00:36:09.300 --> 00:36:29.659
Because I can recall so many scenarios where all I wanted was just a sweet treat after what I'd finished, like after I'd finished eating something savory, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to get it unless I'd finished what I see, so I would do it myself, Yes, clear the entire plate, just so that I could have that one sweet treat. And I think just that.
00:36:27.079 --> 00:36:32.360
But that's not healthy. That's not good for the child, because they're now way too full.
00:36:32.420 --> 00:36:36.500
They've eaten too much for them.
00:36:32.420 --> 00:37:26.840
They haven't met their needs, as you know, and but they've put themselves together well, you've taught them not to listen to exactly, and it's really hard to get back into that rhythm. But I think being tuned in to what your body needs, and knowing, you know, hunger signals and things like that, like, they're really essential. And so many of you people have screwed them up because of diet culture, because of, you know, thinking that you're meant to eat less, or, you know, whatever. And so I think just just saying, like, stop when you're full, you know, give it some time. And maybe, like, in half an hour you can have a sweet treat if you want one, yeah, you know, something like that, yeah. Like, just stop that disconnect, right? And so, and then if the child forgets, if the child forgets about it later, then they cleave in one of that much. But if they come back to you and they're like, and they're like, Oh, actually, I do fancy some chocolate right now, give it to them completely agree.
00:37:26.900 --> 00:37:34.039
Yeah, we're trying to teach we need to teach them, because we talked about this, that actually what we want them to do is to tune into their own hunger and their own body.
00:37:34.159 --> 00:37:44.500
And Elise resh talks about that as well. It's all about teaching us to listen to this that's essential for having a good relationship with food. I agree that, and that's where diets go wrong. But go wrong, because they're trying to teach you.
00:37:44.500 --> 00:38:01.260
They give you a prescription and that may not meet what your body actually needs. And what you're doing is you're taking yourself, once again, away from your own signals, yeah, and trying to impose something on it. And when you impose things on your, your your lifestyle, you just can't, you can't do it. Yeah, I love that.
00:38:01.320 --> 00:38:13.739
Just let your kid lead the way. Basically, I mean that this is talking about younger kids, but so obviously, if your child is now a teenager, then potentially those habits are cemented, but there's always time to change that. Yeah, but yeah, oh, I
00:38:13.739 --> 00:38:23.179
think once I teenager, you can, you can keep talking about, how does your body actually feel? Yeah, how do you just keep talking about, is that? How do you feel like now?
00:38:23.179 --> 00:38:26.360
Are you full? Are you not full?
00:38:23.179 --> 00:38:29.599
You know, just teach them to keep tuning in to their own feelings. Yeah, yeah. Good.
00:38:29.659 --> 00:38:31.219
Great. PB, thank you.
00:38:31.280 --> 00:38:32.119
No. Thank you. What
00:38:32.119 --> 00:38:32.780
a joy.
00:38:32.840 --> 00:38:34.039
I've enjoyed this. Lots
00:38:34.039 --> 00:38:39.920
of lovely points there. If you found this useful, then let us know you could. You can send us an email.
00:38:39.920 --> 00:38:40.099
Let
00:38:40.099 --> 00:38:44.260
me know if you want me back? Yes, yes, I'd have you good that
00:38:44.260 --> 00:38:46.539
would be great.
00:38:44.260 --> 00:39:07.559
We've got lots of topics we could go through. So you can email us at teenagers untangled@gmail.com or come to the website, which is www teenagersuntangled com, and we'd love a review Apple. Apple is it's awful. It's really hard to review on Apple, but just bear with them. Go on, have a go.
00:39:04.079 --> 00:39:24.860
Have a go. Or on Spotify, you can just do a little star, and actually, we now have an easy, quick text. So if you're listening on the phone, you can just see in the podcast notes, it says, text us, yeah, straight away, it's instant any feedback and questions, any other things you'd like us to discuss? We're here, yeah, we're listening.
00:39:24.860 --> 00:39:28.940
Yeah, that's it for now. Have a good week. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye.
00:39:28.940 --> 00:39:29.059
You.
